Behavior in schools

[Anonymous]

I work in a private school, so most of my student population comes from educated families with a lot of resources. Since coming back to the classroom full-time from hybrid there have been real shifts in behavior, socialization, and self control. A lot of our students are really anxious and avoidant. Some have no intrinsic motivation and need really flashy rewards for extrinsic motivation. Unfortunately, we only have the budget and time for occasional class parties for good behavior or up to a few minutes of extended recess. Many kids don’t know how to play. They’re “bored” on the playground or during down-time at home. This has ripple effects on their ability to socialize. For all the time some of our younger students had at home with their parents, they’re coming to school unable to cut and glue or to write their names. They don’t have the core strength to sit upright at a desk or cafeteria table for more than 10 minutes. Impulse control is really low too. Getting these kids not to run through the hallway, keep their hands to themselves, or to stop wandering through the classroom mid-lesson is constant work. Of course educators are prepared to redirect children and assign consequences. We also develop positive relationships with students to foster mutual respect and we explain the reasons for our rules. But no one can sneak in meaningful instruction when pausing every 45 seconds to correct behavior. It’s become a bonkers game of whack-a-mole. I’ve also encountered a lot of kids who don’t take a hard “no” seriously. They’ve learned at home that “no” means ask 10-50 more times until an adult relents.

[Anonymous]

OP, parent here and I agree with you. I talk to my child about and am demonstrating at home sharing, taking turns, waiting while I am speaking to someone, gentle touch, playing nicely, no hitting, kicking, biting, throwing. We are in behavioral therapy. The behaviors are not changing. Meetings set up at school, teacher down plays the behaviors to psychologist and social workers. But sends me emails describe horrible behaviors. Why not describe these in the meetings instead of down playing. I acknowledge the behaviors, am troubled by them and am begging for help!

[Anonymous]

I agree. I don’t love all these dojo points and incentives. At least my kids teacher does a mix of prizes and fun experiences. But I think without these incentives the behavior would be pretty bad. I like OPs reminders. My child is well behaved at school but I have let her interrupt me and I need to be better about making her wait ( I do think this is a byproduct of the pandemic and having untethered access to me). I do home based health services and I see parenting up close and personal. I think many families used and are using TV as a babysitter. Parents are distracted and stressed and kids aren’t getting the attention they need.

Anonymous wrote:Great post, OP. Obviously struck a nerve with some of these parents. I'm so over the modern parenting methods common in our UMC circle. I'm truly shocked by the behavior I have seen when volunteering in the schools as well as hosting other children at my home.

My kids come home almost weekly with toys and other junky "rewards" for good behavior. My phone dings with "dojo points" all day long. I remember the days when kids exhibited good behavior because that is what was expected of them, not so that they could earn a dollar store prize at the end of the school day.

One thing my father taught me is the importance of high expectations. Today we just keep lowering expectations for kids all around and then wondering why they keep lowering their performance in all domains, from behavioral to academic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work in a private school, so most of my student population comes from educated families with a lot of resources. Since coming back to the classroom full-time from hybrid there have been real shifts in behavior, socialization, and self control. A lot of our students are really anxious and avoidant. Some have no intrinsic motivation and need really flashy rewards for extrinsic motivation. Unfortunately, we only have the budget and time for occasional class parties for good behavior or up to a few minutes of extended recess. Many kids don’t know how to play. They’re “bored” on the playground or during down-time at home. This has ripple effects on their ability to socialize. For all the time some of our younger students had at home with their parents, they’re coming to school unable to cut and glue or to write their names. They don’t have the core strength to sit upright at a desk or cafeteria table for more than 10 minutes. Impulse control is really low too. Getting these kids not to run through the hallway, keep their hands to themselves, or to stop wandering through the classroom mid-lesson is constant work. Of course educators are prepared to redirect children and assign consequences. We also develop positive relationships with students to foster mutual respect and we explain the reasons for our rules. But no one can sneak in meaningful instruction when pausing every 45 seconds to correct behavior. It’s become a bonkers game of whack-a-mole. I’ve also encountered a lot of kids who don’t take a hard “no” seriously. They’ve learned at home that “no” means ask 10-50 more times until an adult relents.

+1 It is shocking to me that people can't make the connection to what is causing a lot of this. Just mind boggling. No one wants to admit it and will twist themselves into a pretzel to avoid the truth, but it is there nonetheless.


Technology, for all of it's benefits, has destroyed the ability of people to think, control themselves, entertain themselves, etc. Kids are BORED by regular life because it's not as stimulating as an iPad and computer games, starting in infancy now. And it's so highly addictive that they are angry when they aren't doing it, and throw temper tantrums when it's taken away.

Good luck fixing this problem. It is too late. Mainly because parents gave up first...gave in. Now the problems in schools are just a symptom of a larger problem, and trying to fix it in the schools won't work despite the best efforts of teachers who care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a private school, so most of my student population comes from educated families with a lot of resources. Since coming back to the classroom full-time from hybrid there have been real shifts in behavior, socialization, and self control. A lot of our students are really anxious and avoidant. Some have no intrinsic motivation and need really flashy rewards for extrinsic motivation. Unfortunately, we only have the budget and time for occasional class parties for good behavior or up to a few minutes of extended recess. Many kids don’t know how to play. They’re “bored” on the playground or during down-time at home. This has ripple effects on their ability to socialize. For all the time some of our younger students had at home with their parents, they’re coming to school unable to cut and glue or to write their names. They don’t have the core strength to sit upright at a desk or cafeteria table for more than 10 minutes. Impulse control is really low too. Getting these kids not to run through the hallway, keep their hands to themselves, or to stop wandering through the classroom mid-lesson is constant work. Of course educators are prepared to redirect children and assign consequences. We also develop positive relationships with students to foster mutual respect and we explain the reasons for our rules. But no one can sneak in meaningful instruction when pausing every 45 seconds to correct behavior. It’s become a bonkers game of whack-a-mole. I’ve also encountered a lot of kids who don’t take a hard “no” seriously. They’ve learned at home that “no” means ask 10-50 more times until an adult relents.

+1 It is shocking to me that people can't make the connection to what is causing a lot of this. Just mind boggling. No one wants to admit it and will twist themselves into a pretzel to avoid the truth, but it is there nonetheless.


Technology, for all of it's benefits, has destroyed the ability of people to think, control themselves, entertain themselves, etc. Kids are BORED by regular life because it's not as stimulating as an iPad and computer games, starting in infancy now. And it's so highly addictive that they are angry when they aren't doing it, and throw temper tantrums when it's taken away.

Good luck fixing this problem. It is too late. Mainly because parents gave up first...gave in. Now the problems in schools are just a symptom of a larger problem, and trying to fix it in the schools won't work despite the best efforts of teachers who care.

This is likely part of the problem in addition to weak parenting. One of my kids is absolutely bonkers any time a screen is delayed or denied. She acts like a crack addict, and it’s extremely disturbing. It’s also impossible to parent in a low-tech way when both parents aren’t on board because handing a kid a screen is always easier than playing with them, encouraging independent play, going to park, disciplining, etc.

Even worse, the screens have now saturated the school environment so that kids in first grade are now spending hours a day on the iPad in the classroom. With no evidence supporting the effectiveness of the learning apps our district spends millions on.

[Anonymous]

So...you do remember, right, that you teachers were the ones that led us to virtual schooling for so long (and you know...failing our children). I love how you've just decided the children have had enough time to move on from the trauma of the last few years - we all seem to be pushing that all under the rug without any real social discussion.

No offense, but guess what - during the pandemic, many of us parents were working full time and trying to keep our kids academically focused against a crazy backdrop. Our society decided screens were the answer (!) and now you're telling us (again) that it's our fault that they're now too screen-dependent?

I'm not saying you're wrong that kids' behavior is an issue these days, but please, let's not put this all on the parents again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So...you do remember, right, that you teachers were the ones that led us to virtual schooling for so long (and you know...failing our children). I love how you've just decided the children have had enough time to move on from the trauma of the last few years - we all seem to be pushing that all under the rug without any real social discussion.

No offense, but guess what - during the pandemic, many of us parents were working full time and trying to keep our kids academically focused against a crazy backdrop. Our society decided screens were the answer (!) and now you're telling us (again) that it's our fault that they're now too screen-dependent?

I'm not saying you're wrong that kids' behavior is an issue these days, but please, let's not put this all on the parents again.

The districts love that teachers are taking the blame for their incompetence. Even before the pandemic, we worked in substandard conditions. Teachers expecting soap and hand sanitizer and air filters is what took these districts so long to open. They couldn’t get their acts together to provide the basics. When school opened only 4-5 of my students chose to return. That year I had 25 students. The trauma came from their family members dying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear parents,

Many of your kids are out of control. They don't listen to adults at school, they are physically aggressive, they have no respect for property. Yes some of your kids are delightful. But every teacher who has spent any significant time in elementary schools are saying this is the worst year ever in terms of behavior. I know we like to blame the pandemic, but enough time has passed with them back in school that I don't think we can keep blaming that for such a huge level of disrespect.

Yes I know your instinct is to blame teachers, but I can't tell you how hard they are working. I know you don't believe it, but I see it every day.

Here are some things to consider when you are parenting at home and saying "I have to choose my battles"

--when you don't make your children sit at the table for a meal, let them get up at restaurants, or pacify them with screens--you're not teaching them to be able to sit at a cafeteria table for 25 minutes and eat their meal with focus. When there's 100-200 kids in there at a time, this becomes a huge problem.
--when you carry their jacket for them or pick up their trash when they've dropped it, you're not teaching them to take care of the environment around them or take responsibility for their belongings.
--when you let them interrupt you and you allow them to dominate conversations, you're not helping them to learn how to hold their comments in class until it's time to comment, or not interrupt when a book is being read to them.
--if they make a big mess and you take a photo of it to post on social media, you are teaching them that it's funny
--if a teacher lets you know that your kid made a poor choice, don't just let it go.

Work with your children to problem solve without being aggressive. Talk about feelings at home, but don't allow their feelings to completely excuse poor choices. Give them chores. Hold them responsible for their actions. Set boundaries and don't be afraid to enforce them. Be consistent. Positive parenting has its place, but if you see a behavior is not going away, consider other options. Yes I know it's harder to do these things and yes I know you're tired, we all are., The kids I see with the most egregious behavior problems need the most support and love. But it's exhausting giving that to them when they're constantly hurting others and trashing the school.

I hope I don't get crucified for this post, but if I do I can take it. It takes working as a team to get these kids educated and safely to leave your home as an adult. Let's do this together. Please don't take this in defense, but in the possibility that doing these things you can help your child succeed at school and in the real world.

We do follow those guidelines. It’s not enough. Virtual at preschool and kindergarten did not help dial in classroom awareness. It’s no one’s fault but it’s a real and residual thing. Many of us are truly doing our best even if it’s not translating to perfect hands in laps quiet compliant kiddos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The school and administration is working very hard, but there is just so much we can do. Student aren't afraid when their parents get a call from the principal. They have behavior charts, incentives, consequences. Rules, repetition, predictable schedules. The behavior continues. Sometimes immediately after it was addressed.

Even if you haven't recovered from the pandemic, you have to put the time into your kids, for their sake (and yours). Kids thrive with firm, loving boundaries. But we can't do this alone. I know this sounds grating to some, but I'm saying this all with sincerity. And I've talked to teachers in schools with different SES levels and it's a problem across the board.

Kid's shouldn't be afraid when you call their parents. That type of scare parenting never worked and I'm glad we are moving away from it. I want my kids to know that if I get a call that they are struggling I will love them and help them through it. Not "OMG mom's going to be so mad!". That tactic does work for some behavior modification, but it doesn't actually help any kids, and the kids you're talking about with chronic needs it definitely wont help.

Agree with putting time in to kids and understanding boundaries, but don't agree with parents being scary.

I literally laughed at this. They're ignoring the teacher telling them to sit down and stop talking, they keep shoving kids when they're in line, they keep throwing things, and you view this as a day when they struggled and you want to show your kid extra compassion and love? What, you think they need more loving attention from you? NO! They need to be punished for their crappy behavior and told in no uncertain terms to knock it off.

Delayed punishment and telling them to "knock it off" will not work for most children. Particularly children with actual impulse control issues (including chatting too much) because they are not making a choice to behave a certain way. Their brains just literally don't know any other way to behave. So you need to figure out how to help them get their brains and bodies on board with this. Yelling at them to stop, or imposing some false punishment is just... not going to ever work. This obviously depends on age, history, and a lot of other factors, but yeah, in most instances I would give my child extra compassion if they were unable to keep up with classroom standards during the school day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So...you do remember, right, that you teachers were the ones that led us to virtual schooling for so long (and you know...failing our children). I love how you've just decided the children have had enough time to move on from the trauma of the last few years - we all seem to be pushing that all under the rug without any real social discussion.

No offense, but guess what - during the pandemic, many of us parents were working full time and trying to keep our kids academically focused against a crazy backdrop. Our society decided screens were the answer (!) and now you're telling us (again) that it's our fault that they're now too screen-dependent?

I'm not saying you're wrong that kids' behavior is an issue these days, but please, let's not put this all on the parents again.

The districts love that teachers are taking the blame for their incompetence. Even before the pandemic, we worked in substandard conditions. Teachers expecting soap and hand sanitizer and air filters is what took these districts so long to open. They couldn’t get their acts together to provide the basics. When school opened only 4-5 of my students chose to return. That year I had 25 students. The trauma came from their family members dying.

Hmm. Not what I remember, at least in FCPS.

[Anonymous]

A variety of thoughts around this below... and I'm lucky to have a kid that is well behaved 99% of the time.

- You can discount the pandemic all you want, but it's effects will be lingering for a long time. I would guess if you studied it, those whose districts took longer to open up to in person (and remove masks, yes, I said it) have worse behavior issues. They haven't learned to socialize and learn in person. I think it's absolutely ridiculous that this is surprising to anyone (particularly if they had 2 working parents!!) Best thing I ever did was pay for private school for kindergarten in the fall of 2020 (she's now in public 2nd grade). But not everyone can do that and they shouldn't have had to. We did not prioritize children and families during the pandemic as we should have.

- Schools (and some teachers by way of unions) WANTED schools to remain closed. I'm not an educator who is an expert and even I could see a mile away how terrible this was going to be for kids.

- Everyone wants to chirp about that kids are too dependent on technology. Well no $h*t. But maybe we shouldn't have had them try to do Zoom classes. Maybe they shouldn't even have access to iPads at ALL in school. I would support that 100%. My daughter's private school didn't have them and they were able to learn just fine... just like we all did back in the 80s/90s.

- We had some of the most INSANE behavior I've ever heard of in my daughter's 1st grade class last year. The only thing that admin "could" do was remove all of the other kids from the room. My daughter spent most of the year in a hallway. And admin had the nerve to speak to me condescendingly when I asked what more they could do.

- I do feel like parenting has gotten more relaxed over the years, for sure, and those that parent like that are doing their kids a huge disservice. But I think it's been like that for awhile and it's all coming to a head when you add in how poor public education is getting.

It's not just teachers' fault. It's not just school admins' fault. It's not just parents' fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a private school, so most of my student population comes from educated families with a lot of resources. Since coming back to the classroom full-time from hybrid there have been real shifts in behavior, socialization, and self control. A lot of our students are really anxious and avoidant. Some have no intrinsic motivation and need really flashy rewards for extrinsic motivation. Unfortunately, we only have the budget and time for occasional class parties for good behavior or up to a few minutes of extended recess. Many kids don’t know how to play. They’re “bored” on the playground or during down-time at home. This has ripple effects on their ability to socialize. For all the time some of our younger students had at home with their parents, they’re coming to school unable to cut and glue or to write their names. They don’t have the core strength to sit upright at a desk or cafeteria table for more than 10 minutes. Impulse control is really low too. Getting these kids not to run through the hallway, keep their hands to themselves, or to stop wandering through the classroom mid-lesson is constant work. Of course educators are prepared to redirect children and assign consequences. We also develop positive relationships with students to foster mutual respect and we explain the reasons for our rules. But no one can sneak in meaningful instruction when pausing every 45 seconds to correct behavior. It’s become a bonkers game of whack-a-mole. I’ve also encountered a lot of kids who don’t take a hard “no” seriously. They’ve learned at home that “no” means ask 10-50 more times until an adult relents.

+1 It is shocking to me that people can't make the connection to what is causing a lot of this. Just mind boggling. No one wants to admit it and will twist themselves into a pretzel to avoid the truth, but it is there nonetheless.


Technology, for all of it's benefits, has destroyed the ability of people to think, control themselves, entertain themselves, etc. Kids are BORED by regular life because it's not as stimulating as an iPad and computer games, starting in infancy now. And it's so highly addictive that they are angry when they aren't doing it, and throw temper tantrums when it's taken away.

Absolutely. The pandemic merely accelerated and intensified this development as kids were stuck at home on screens and parent couldn't or wouldn't push to provide balance to counter this. Now they merrily go along with it because all those videos and apps are apparently educational and keep blaming the pandemic and remote schooling. I see this everywhere I go and have to force myself not to care. I thank the universe that I'm almost done raising my kids as I probably would not have any now.

Good luck fixing this problem. It is too late. Mainly because parents gave up first...gave in. Now the problems in schools are just a symptom of a larger problem, and trying to fix it in the schools won't work despite the best efforts of teachers who care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The school and administration is working very hard, but there is just so much we can do. Student aren't afraid when their parents get a call from the principal. They have behavior charts, incentives, consequences. Rules, repetition, predictable schedules. The behavior continues. Sometimes immediately after it was addressed.

Even if you haven't recovered from the pandemic, you have to put the time into your kids, for their sake (and yours). Kids thrive with firm, loving boundaries. But we can't do this alone. I know this sounds grating to some, but I'm saying this all with sincerity. And I've talked to teachers in schools with different SES levels and it's a problem across the board.

Kid's shouldn't be afraid when you call their parents. That type of scare parenting never worked and I'm glad we are moving away from it. I want my kids to know that if I get a call that they are struggling I will love them and help them through it. Not "OMG mom's going to be so mad!". That tactic does work for some behavior modification, but it doesn't actually help any kids, and the kids you're talking about with chronic needs it definitely wont help.

Agree with putting time in to kids and understanding boundaries, but don't agree with parents being scary.

I literally laughed at this. They're ignoring the teacher telling them to sit down and stop talking, they keep shoving kids when they're in line, they keep throwing things, and you view this as a day when they struggled and you want to show your kid extra compassion and love? What, you think they need more loving attention from you? NO! They need to be punished for their crappy behavior and told in no uncertain terms to knock it off.

Delayed punishment and telling them to "knock it off" will not work for most children. Particularly children with actual impulse control issues (including chatting too much) because they are not making a choice to behave a certain way. Their brains just literally don't know any other way to behave. So you need to figure out how to help them get their brains and bodies on board with this. Yelling at them to stop, or imposing some false punishment is just... not going to ever work. This obviously depends on age, history, and a lot of other factors, but yeah, in most instances I would give my child extra compassion if they were unable to keep up with classroom standards during the school day.

DP. Yes, those things do work and not trying anything is obviously not working. Giving kids firm boundaries means firm boundaries, including consequence, more than just losing a minute of screen time.

Or we can just wait and hope they grow out of it, at some point in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A variety of thoughts around this below... and I'm lucky to have a kid that is well behaved 99% of the time.

- You can discount the pandemic all you want, but it's effects will be lingering for a long time. I would guess if you studied it, those whose districts took longer to open up to in person (and remove masks, yes, I said it) have worse behavior issues. They haven't learned to socialize and learn in person. I think it's absolutely ridiculous that this is surprising to anyone (particularly if they had 2 working parents!!) Best thing I ever did was pay for private school for kindergarten in the fall of 2020 (she's now in public 2nd grade). But not everyone can do that and they shouldn't have had to. We did not prioritize children and families during the pandemic as we should have.

- Schools (and some teachers by way of unions) WANTED schools to remain closed. I'm not an educator who is an expert and even I could see a mile away how terrible this was going to be for kids.

- Everyone wants to chirp about that kids are too dependent on technology. Well no $h*t. But maybe we shouldn't have had them try to do Zoom classes. Maybe they shouldn't even have access to iPads at ALL in school. I would support that 100%. My daughter's private school didn't have them and they were able to learn just fine... just like we all did back in the 80s/90s.

- We had some of the most INSANE behavior I've ever heard of in my daughter's 1st grade class last year. The only thing that admin "could" do was remove all of the other kids from the room. My daughter spent most of the year in a hallway. And admin had the nerve to speak to me condescendingly when I asked what more they could do.

- I do feel like parenting has gotten more relaxed over the years, for sure, and those that parent like that are doing their kids a huge disservice. But I think it's been like that for awhile and it's all coming to a head when you add in how poor public education is getting.

It's not just teachers' fault. It's not just school admins' fault. It's not just parents' fault.

Well said. We must stop blaming each other and brainstorm how to fix this mess. Had it been articulated with a different tone, OP offered good suggestions for how parents can promote respectful behavior in the home. However, blaming parents for the consequences of the pandemic causes further animosity between parents and teachers.

[Anonymous]

Ours went feral during virtual. Unsure if she’ll ever fully turn back. But she’s reading a few grades over level.