Behavior in schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is absolutely right.

To those who are saying it’s the school’s problem for not having better classroom management… you underestimate the challenge. This isn’t 1 kid in a classroom of 25. When it’s 15 out of 25 and it’s every day, you are spending all of your time disciplining and none of your time teaching. The kind of behavior that parents may think is cute or innocuous in 1 kid is absolute chaos when 15 kids are doing it at once.

OP is right, and PP is right - and that's why I left the classroom after last year. My friends who are still teaching report basically exactly what OP is saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear parents,

Many of your kids are out of control. They don't listen to adults at school, they are physically aggressive, they have no respect for property. Yes some of your kids are delightful. But every teacher who has spent any significant time in elementary schools are saying this is the worst year ever in terms of behavior. I know we like to blame the pandemic, but enough time has passed with them back in school that I don't think we can keep blaming that for such a huge level of disrespect.

Yes I know your instinct is to blame teachers, but I can't tell you how hard they are working. I know you don't believe it, but I see it every day.

Here are some things to consider when you are parenting at home and saying "I have to choose my battles"

--when you don't make your children sit at the table for a meal, let them get up at restaurants, or pacify them with screens--you're not teaching them to be able to sit at a cafeteria table for 25 minutes and eat their meal with focus. When there's 100-200 kids in there at a time, this becomes a huge problem.
--when you carry their jacket for them or pick up their trash when they've dropped it, you're not teaching them to take care of the environment around them or take responsibility for their belongings.
--when you let them interrupt you and you allow them to dominate conversations, you're not helping them to learn how to hold their comments in class until it's time to comment, or not interrupt when a book is being read to them.
--if they make a big mess and you take a photo of it to post on social media, you are teaching them that it's funny
--if a teacher lets you know that your kid made a poor choice, don't just let it go.

Work with your children to problem solve without being aggressive. Talk about feelings at home, but don't allow their feelings to completely excuse poor choices. Give them chores. Hold them responsible for their actions. Set boundaries and don't be afraid to enforce them. Be consistent. Positive parenting has its place, but if you see a behavior is not going away, consider other options. Yes I know it's harder to do these things and yes I know you're tired, we all are., The kids I see with the most egregious behavior problems need the most support and love. But it's exhausting giving that to them when they're constantly hurting others and trashing the school.

I hope I don't get crucified for this post, but if I do I can take it. It takes working as a team to get these kids educated and safely to leave your home as an adult. Let's do this together. Please don't take this in defense, but in the possibility that doing these things you can help your child succeed at school and in the real world.

100%!! We are all still coming out of the pandemic with residual effects. My DD started in person school this year and her teacher kept noting that she was talking during innappropriate times, etc.. I had NEVER had a teacher tell me anything like this. I admit too my first thought was maybe it's the whole class dynamic, maybe the teacher doesn't have classroom control, maybe xyz. Then I posted on here and people were saying that if the teacher is telling you that your DD is talking too much, that I needed to tell my DD that basically she does not speak PERIOD unless it's appropriate with consequences attached at home. I did this and the next week the teachers were singing praises. I think sometimes the natural inclination as a parent is to get defensive or not see things from a teacher's perspective. The teacher is trying to teach and maintain some level or order in the classroom, if you don't help the teacher with follow through at home, your child no matter how cute and special they are may be contributing in a negative way. OP I agree with you 100!

[Anonymous]

I agree and I am a parent and try hard to teach my kids respect and manors. I’ll admit I cater to them a bit more than I should. I like your examples!
We will be raising terrible adults if we don’t remind them daily how to behave in the world

[Anonymous]

I agree with OP. But it’s always been this way. The difference is that the bad kids used to be counseled out, put in different schools or expelled. Now they stay and the other kids also see this and it bring down all the behavior in the classroom.

Kids are so bad in my dd’s 1st grade that I don’t think she’s getting an education.

Positive parenting combined with schools who don’t discipline or hold kids back is the issue. The combo is bad

[Anonymous]

Agree e we it’s everything OP wrote. I have a well-behaved third grader and am personally past taking seriously parents who cling to the pandemic as their never-ending reason as to why their darling makes violent threats (but don’t worry, they don’t own guns!) or is just straight mean to all other kids. There’s nothing COVID isn’t responsible for!

[Anonymous]

OP is right and all the parents objecting on this thread are the problem. We as teachers try our very best but in many cases our hands are tied. We are no longer allowed to give zeros to kids who just refuse to do any work. We are no longer allowed to give detention for bad behavior, withhold recess, etc. We have essentially no recourse.

Parents have recourse. You can do carrot or stick or anything in between. When you abdicate this responsbility and claim its somehow the teacher's fault, you are only hurting yourself and your child. Next year they will move up a grade and I won't have them any longer. But if they continue this behavior, its only going to hurt them. It doesn't affect me. You should care a lot more than you apparently do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The school and administration is working very hard, but there is just so much we can do. Student aren't afraid when their parents get a call from the principal. They have behavior charts, incentives, consequences. Rules, repetition, predictable schedules. The behavior continues. Sometimes immediately after it was addressed.

Even if you haven't recovered from the pandemic, you have to put the time into your kids, for their sake (and yours). Kids thrive with firm, loving boundaries. But we can't do this alone. I know this sounds grating to some, but I'm saying this all with sincerity. And I've talked to teachers in schools with different SES levels and it's a problem across the board.

Kid's shouldn't be afraid when you call their parents. That type of scare parenting never worked and I'm glad we are moving away from it. I want my kids to know that if I get a call that they are struggling I will love them and help them through it. Not "OMG mom's going to be so mad!". That tactic does work for some behavior modification, but it doesn't actually help any kids, and the kids you're talking about with chronic needs it definitely wont help.

Agree with putting time in to kids and understanding boundaries, but don't agree with parents being scary.

I literally laughed at this. They're ignoring the teacher telling them to sit down and stop talking, they keep shoving kids when they're in line, they keep throwing things, and you view this as a day when they struggled and you want to show your kid extra compassion and love? What, you think they need more loving attention from you? NO! They need to be punished for their crappy behavior and told in no uncertain terms to knock it off.

+1. I'm the PP and here's an example. A girl spends the entire 80 minute block of English chatting with her friend and/or daydreaming and gets no one bit of any of the classwork done, despite numerous friendly prompts from me. As I get more frustrated and terse, she comes out with the "you can go ahead and call my mom, she won't care."

So PP is saying that if her child spent an entire class block chatting with a friend and not doing any work, she wouldn't be angry?

[Anonymous]

Human beings understanding that there are consequences for behavior that is outside the rules of the situation you are in, sometime unpleasant consequences, is what enables a civilized society to function without devolving into absolute chaos. Call it "fear" if you want PP, but if your child does not have the desire to avoid the consequences of his or her anti-social behavior (because there are none), that behavior will continue.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are in HS and college. We reinforced from a young age that there are consequences at home for misbehaving at school.

If a teacher wrote to say my kid wasn't listening or did something wrong, the boom came down. I read the email to my student, and said that something was now taken away. I remember taking away outdoor after-school play time, and no TV. They could hear the neighborhood kids playing outside as they sat in the house.

I also told them that I will email the teacher on Friday to ask if they were behaving better. If the teacher says you're still doing it, then your friend is not coming over for that sleep over this weekend.

It worked. I only heard from a teacher one time for each kid. From then on, they got 4s for behavior at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you're really discounting the effects of the pandemic. While DD and DS have mostly recovered, DH and I have not. And our kids don't live in a vacuum. Nor do any other kids.

If you haven't recovered then it's because you want to blame it for all your problems brought on by yourself.

These are public schools so your giving in to your kids' poor behaviors affects the other kids who are being parented more closely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree e we it’s everything OP wrote. I have a well-behaved third grader and am personally past taking seriously parents who cling to the pandemic as their never-ending reason as to why their darling makes violent threats (but don’t worry, they don’t own guns!) or is just straight mean to all other kids. There’s nothing COVID isn’t responsible for!

+1 we are living in a 'but-I'm-a-victim-society'

[Anonymous]

Great post, OP. Obviously struck a nerve with some of these parents. I'm so over the modern parenting methods common in our UMC circle. I'm truly shocked by the behavior I have seen when volunteering in the schools as well as hosting other children at my home.

My kids come home almost weekly with toys and other junky "rewards" for good behavior. My phone dings with "dojo points" all day long. I remember the days when kids exhibited good behavior because that is what was expected of them, not so that they could earn a dollar store prize at the end of the school day.

One thing my father taught me is the importance of high expectations. Today we just keep lowering expectations for kids all around and then wondering why they keep lowering their performance in all domains, from behavioral to academic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are functional parents. We are trying hard. I can’t believe how much work we’ve put in that doesn’t seem to pay off. Does it eventually? (DC is 5 and I worry this is where we are headed.)

Yes, it will absolutely pay off! Keep up the loving, firm boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think parents not parenting the way she would like in her examples correlate to kids behaving poorly in schools. I do most but not all and my children are beyond well behaved at school. It’s about patents not being present or caring. The financial situation is rough for a lot of families and you are looking at parents working more than one job. Then you have parents who have addictions or untreated mental health concerns and don’t know how to be present. Of course then there are those who really don’t care.

All that being said we don’t have these issues in our public schools. Sure there are a couple in each class but it’s not thre norm. Kids regularly get sent to admin for making poor choices so it doesn’t impact the learning of the whole class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The school and administration is working very hard, but there is just so much we can do. Student aren't afraid when their parents get a call from the principal. They have behavior charts, incentives, consequences. Rules, repetition, predictable schedules. The behavior continues. Sometimes immediately after it was addressed.

Even if you haven't recovered from the pandemic, you have to put the time into your kids, for their sake (and yours). Kids thrive with firm, loving boundaries. But we can't do this alone. I know this sounds grating to some, but I'm saying this all with sincerity. And I've talked to teachers in schools with different SES levels and it's a problem across the board.

Kid's shouldn't be afraid when you call their parents. That type of scare parenting never worked and I'm glad we are moving away from it. I want my kids to know that if I get a call that they are struggling I will love them and help them through it. Not "OMG mom's going to be so mad!". That tactic does work for some behavior modification, but it doesn't actually help any kids, and the kids you're talking about with chronic needs it definitely wont help.

Agree with putting time in to kids and understanding boundaries, but don't agree with parents being scary.

Are you being purposefully obtuse? No one is talking about teachers calling to discuss academic concerns. My kids know they would lose life as they know it if their behavior was having a teacher call me.