Helping DS, 8, make peace with not being one of the popular boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Except that "popular" for a child is different than "popular" in an adult's mind.

After years of volunteering in elementary school, I have never observed kids identifying the sporty group as the "popular" group. Amongst themselves, in their minds, they try to be included in a group that they LIKE, according to their interests: sporty, imaginary play, conversational, etc... Often children will try several groups, because they're interested in all of these things. Groups are fluid and change with the years.

There is no hierarchy in their minds that a group is socially better than the other. Your kid might say: "I want to be with the kids that play soccer at recess! It's the best group!" But this comes without a social judgement. It just expresses exactly what they want to do at recess, with the people they like. The social hierarchy concept is an adolescent and adult construct that parents often project on their younger children's groupings.

Middle school is when children experiment with perceived social hierarchies. It's when kids are full of hormones yet still immature and don't understand that ruthless categorizing of their peers is cruel and unnecessary. It's when there's the largest range in physical development and the highest risk for misunderstanding motives and impulses among the groups.

And then usually they grow out of it sometime in high school.

Nope. As an elementary teacher this just isn’t correct. It usually ends up being the sporty boys (who are often older and/or physically more mature) are the popular boys. These boys alongside the witty boy who is the class clown. OP’s
son is perceptive.
If he enjoys swim team then keep him swimming but for school popularity it doesn’t transfer. More boys are playing basketball or soccer at school in pick up games so being able to play those can be helpful at recess.

Sorry, but I have to disagree. Perhaps they're popular in your mind. Or theirs. But most of the students in any given school just don't care that the sporty ones are "supposed" to be popular Also, it's funny that it's just always certain kinds of sports, and not others.

I've got high schoolers. I've been at this for some time. Every time a thread like this comes up on DCUM, and a bunch of posters agree with each other that certain sports=popular, I have to laugh. Perhaps you're all in a self-reinforcing social circle where you feel this is true, but you've got to accept that a lot of other families just don't see it that way. So if you've got kids who are suffering from a perception that they're not breaking into whatever group they wish to break into, you have to encourage them to seek out other friends, and socialize with new people. Don't fall into the flawed thinking that your child's little circle is a reflection of the wider world.

Yes. Your knowledge > the elementary teacher and other "posers"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of two boys here - if your second grader is obsessed with being one of the popular kids, he is absorbing that from you. I have one super sporty kid, one who is completely disinterested in sports, and neither is "popular" by their own admission. They have friends and generally get along with people very well, but somehow decided early on that they'd rather be themselves then try to impress a classmate. I'll admit there have been moments when I wished it were otherwise - they're great kids, they should be popular! - but for the most part I'm happy that they are not caught up in that BS.

Bottom line: OP examine yourself if you're worried about this.

I get what you're saying, but there is a tone/underlying message to your post that the 'popular' kids are not really being themselves and are only acting a certain way to impress other people.

FWIW, that's been the opposite in my experience. My daughter is honestly, the most popular kid in her elementary school. But that's bc she does girl scouts, softball, basketball, swim, band, piano and GotR.

So she knows just about EVERYONE in the school. And since she's kind, she talks to everyone. And since she's sporty, she plays with the boy at gym and recess.

It's not that she's trying to impress other people, or not being herself. She's doing the opposite. She has a ton of interests, and is just nice to everyone she encounters. That's how she became the most popular kid in school

[Anonymous]

What grade or age does a “popular” group emerge?

Reading this thread I got a memory of being in second grade and rambling on to my mom how I was the third most popular girl in the grade because I was friends with the number one most popular girl. So ridiculous. I can’t believe I was even aware of this so young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all have to help our kids discover and cherish who they are. With lots of love and support, OP, your son will get there.

+1. Love and support. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and vocalize his wants.

+2. I know this is an old thread that someone else revived but I wanted to chime in because so many of the posts were spectacularly unhelpful. I also have a kid who wants badly to be friends with kids who aren’t that interested in him and it’s tough to watch. I agree with these PPs that our job as parents is to love and support them and I also think asking them thought provoking questions (to encourage them to observe what’s happening versus interpreting for them) and helping them learn that the world is a bigger place than their school (through travel or activities that link them to people outside school). Ultimately they need to find their own way, we can’t take away the various disappointments they’ll encounter but we can provide the love/support necessary to manage them.

Also, the fact that your son has close, mutual friendships is a really good sign. Not all kids that age have good friends yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PP teacher that for ES boys, being sporty and outgoing is pretty much a guarantee of popularity. OP, is soccer one of the sports your son has tried? If he’s a decent athlete, his size won’t hold him back at all as a soccer player, and it is fun for kids to play at recess

Agree with others that he should focus on activities that he loves and that play to his strengths, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with working on learning to be good at a sport at the same time.

While my son is a coordinated athlete, soccer is too rough for him.

Wtf. Then what sport does he do if soccer is too rough for him?

Swimming, tennis, golf, sailing, and baseball.

Crew, track and field, distance running, gymnastics, skiing (not in DC obviously). Or get good at an activity like kayaking or rock climbing and once he has mastered the basics he can invite a friend. My non-sporty DD took to kayaking and it really built up her confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a rising 3rd grader and very smart. He does great in academics and some sports but is small (10th percentile) and wears glasses. He is a really great kid - kind, inclusive, and outgoing. But he is not part of the bigger, rougher, popular boys groups at either school or swim team and I know he wants to be desperately. He does have some good friends but I can see that he longs to be part of the popular boys group.

What can I tell him to make him feel better about who he is? I know it will all even out by high school and college but I hate seeing him wanting to be something he just isn’t.

I just read through this thread and want to quote your original post because I think you are seeing this issue pretty clearly and are not hung up on your own ideas of popularity as others have suggested. Some kids are popular and some are not, and the ones who recognize this are the ones that seem to be more observant and understand that social acceptance is important. People like to say that kids should be themselves and not care what others think, but life isn’t fun if you are not part of a social group.

It sounds like you are not worried about the long term because your son is kind, athletic, and academic. But you are worried about the short term because you don’t want him to think of himself as less worthy or be unable to enjoy his current friends as much as he should. Many people have suggested activities to get involved with. I would concentrate more on discussing what qualities make a good friend. Good friends make you feel comfortable being yourself. They are interested in your ideas and activities. They are thinking about your feelings as much as you are thinking about theirs. Instead of trying to make him feel better that he doesn’t need to be friends with a certain group of boys, I would emphasize how terrific the friends that he does have are. Talk about your own friends and why you value them.

[Anonymous]

My kids definitely identify some kids as popular and other as nerds but they don't assign value judgements to those words. My kids proudly identify as nerds. They haven't watched Stranger Things but I think shows like that and Never Have I Ever have helped make the nerds seem cool in their own way, which is great to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PP teacher that for ES boys, being sporty and outgoing is pretty much a guarantee of popularity. OP, is soccer one of the sports your son has tried? If he’s a decent athlete, his size won’t hold him back at all as a soccer player, and it is fun for kids to play at recess

Agree with others that he should focus on activities that he loves and that play to his strengths, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with working on learning to be good at a sport at the same time.

While my son is a coordinated athlete, soccer is too rough for him.

Wtf. Then what sport does he do if soccer is too rough for him?

Swimming, tennis, golf, sailing, and baseball.

He would be very popular in prep school.

[Anonymous]

It’s been a few months since OP posted. If she’s still reading, how’s it going? If your son is still small then I would suggest your local wrestling program. He could be successful with that at any size and it’s an intense physical workout that could translate to any sport as he grows. It’s great for confidence too, and there are likely boys from his school also doing it. It’s a winter program so registration is probably starting soon.

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting thread. I have a teen girl who when she was in mainstream classes, had an assortment of friends but she became the outlier as middle school progressed. She is at a SM magnet now and loves her nerdy weird crew. My youngest is in 1st grade and is a jock but also prissy strangely enough. She is well loved and hangs more with a sporty or the kids who love clothes and cutesy stuff. But, she is not academically inclined like my eldest and chooses not to hang with those kids. Kids are intriguing.