Helping DS, 8, make peace with not being one of the popular boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must be in UMC primarily white schools - our diverse school doesn't really have a "popular" group in each grade. There are multiple groups of different types of kids. I feel very fortunate that my kids don't have to deal with people like you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised that a rising third grader is aware of popularity. My rising 4th grader is certainly not, but maybe that's because my kids go to a big school - 4 classes in every grade.

You need to find him activities where he can find his special group of friends. Scouts, maybe? Some sort of STEM club like Lego robotics or something if he likes that sort of thing?

If the kid wants to be cool, this is not the way to go about it. He has a group, but wants to be with the “cool” kids. Unfortunately, I most places, this will be the athletic, good looking or funny kids. It’s just the way life is, and no, it does not even out in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And a last piece of advice OP--are you sure your kid cares as much as you think he does? You say it hurts you to see it. He probably picks up on your feelings about it. You may want to examine who actually cares more. I don't say this as a criticism. There are definitely times at which I probably cared more about that stuff than my kids did.

I had this thought as well...OP you say he "wants desperately" and "longs to be part of" but has he actually articulated this to you or are you projecting this longing on to him? Or maybe he said once "I wish I could be with them" and it's spiraled in your mind? None of these things are bad (for lack of a better word) but it is useful to understand whether this issue is driven by your son or your projections because then you can address it appropriately.

OP here. No, it’s actually said many times that he wishes he could be like those boys and friends with those boys.

OK, then I agree with 13:51's comments on page two...while you can provide support, he needs to work through this himself.

[Anonymous]

I think you just keep him focused on the activities he likes and is good at. Does he go to a small school without a lot of varied social opportunities.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you thinking you know "who's popular" and "what he longs for" is not helping.

Maybe you focus less on it. Support his friendships. Encourage his stengths.

[Anonymous]

Has he actually tried making friends with these guys? Just because he’s small doesn’t mean he can’t be part of the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he actually tried making friends with these guys? Just because he’s small doesn’t mean he can’t be part of the group.

+1. He’s on the swim team, right? How much pushing is going in in swimming? Why can’t he make friends with the popular guys there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d get him contacts and sign him up for more sports if he wants to do them. If he’s willing to put in the work of training hard for sports so he can be as good as those boys, let him.

If only it were that easy. Some kids just can't do it. Lots of kids have developmental coordination disorders or hypotonia, etc. etc. These are "hidden disabilities," and kids like this are often wrongly accused of "not trying" when really they are working harder than the naturals and failing spectacularly and getting bullied for it. The attitude that "if he’s willing to put in the work of training hard for sports so he can be as good as those boys," is actually really harmful, because it isn't always true and wrongfully suggests these kids aren't working hard.

[Anonymous]

Help him redefine "friend" "cool" and "popular" for himself. After all, if the other boys are excluding him or are actually mean to kids who aren't athletic (not saying they are in this case), are they really the kids he wants to be friends with? If they always want to be engaged in an activity that he doesn't like or isn't able to do, are they truly friend material for him? Help him know himself and what he likes and that will help him find real friends who share those likes and want to do them with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And a last piece of advice OP--are you sure your kid cares as much as you think he does? You say it hurts you to see it. He probably picks up on your feelings about it. You may want to examine who actually cares more. I don't say this as a criticism. There are definitely times at which I probably cared more about that stuff than my kids did.

I had this thought as well...OP you say he "wants desperately" and "longs to be part of" but has he actually articulated this to you or are you projecting this longing on to him? Or maybe he said once "I wish I could be with them" and it's spiraled in your mind? None of these things are bad (for lack of a better word) but it is useful to understand whether this issue is driven by your son or your projections because then you can address it appropriately.

OP here. No, it’s actually said many times that he wishes he could be like those boys and friends with those boys.

OK, then I agree with 13:51's comments on page two...while you can provide support, he needs to work through this himself.

DP: Lots of kids don't have a naturally strong EQ, so the support they need is learning how to 'join play,' and how to have a give and take conversation about topics of general interest, and how to read social cues. To make friends you have to be a friend, and for some kids what that actually means and looks like is super unclear. This comes naturally to the kids who emerge early as "popular," but has to be taught to many other kids.

[Anonymous]

If Cub Scouts is popular at your school then it's like joining a frat in elementary where you pay for friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If Cub Scouts is popular at your school then it's like joining a frat in elementary where you pay for friends.

But it’s the dorkiest frat on campus

[Anonymous]

It is a matter of making peace with who you are. My daughter is a dedicated athlete in an elementary school where the cool girls are the girls whose interests are in make up, clothes, nails, TV. She just isn’t like them but admires them and wishes she were included in their group.

But it’s just not sho she is. She’s kind to the cool girls but I think is starting to make peace with who she is and cherishing her “jock” friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, are the parents of the popular kids also friends? I can tell you thats the case in my 3rd graders class. They all hang out only with one another and act like high schoolers. Honestly I have no desire to hang out with those people outside of what is necessary. So my son will likely never be part of that crowd because I will not make an effort to be part of that crowd. I just don’t like them and I’ve seen how they act. DS is friendly with many of them and plays sports with a few of them and that’s fine. But we don’t hang with them socially like they do with one another.

[Anonymous]

I think we all have to help our kids discover and cherish who they are. With lots of love and support, OP, your son will get there.