Counseling Out

[Anonymous]

i didn't write it pp -- but I think they meant why would you invest $30k if the kid wasn't going to really excel or try.

[Anonymous]

My kid was counseled out in JK (meaning no K offer). He has no LD (we've had him tested), but according to the Head of the School my kid doesn't have the self confidence, doesn't consistently work independly, and gets tired (need a nap) in JK so he's not ready for K. After an initial period of anger, we just realized that this may be a blessing in disguise. We were not happy with the school to begin with (we have 3 kids there), and this helped us make the decision to go through the hassle of moving the kids to new schools.

[Anonymous]

Bingo!

If you're wealthy, I guess it wouldn't matter as much, because you would have the extra income to burn anyway. But there are plenty of families who struggle and sacrifice to scrape together $30,000/year for tuition, in order to provide their DC with a wonderful academic opportunity and the possibility of going onto a great college. What about the kids who don't have LDs or SNs--I'm talking about the ones who are just lazy/spoiled/unmotivated? What's their excuse? If you are one of those families struggling financially, why would you continue to pay $30,000/year, if your child squanders that opportunity by refusing to put in the effort?

Anonymous wrote:i didn't write it pp -- but I think they meant why would you invest $30k if the kid wasn't going to really excel or try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bingo!

If you're wealthy, I guess it wouldn't matter as much, because you would have the extra income to burn anyway. But there are plenty of families who struggle and sacrifice to scrape together $30,000/year for tuition, in order to provide their DC with a wonderful academic opportunity and the possibility of going onto a great college. What about the kids who don't have LDs or SNs--I'm talking about the ones who are just lazy/spoiled/unmotivated? What's their excuse? If you are one of those families struggling financially, why would you continue to pay $30,000/year, if your child squanders that opportunity by refusing to put in the effort?

Anonymous wrote:i didn't write it pp -- but I think they meant why would you invest $30k if the kid wasn't going to really excel or try.

While I basically agree with the bottom line (i.e. don't pour tons of money into private education if it doesn't help your kid succeed academically), the way the issue is framed here really bothers me.

LDs/SNs aren't "excuses" and kids who kid Cs at expensive private schools aren't necessarily "lazy/spoiled/motivated." And this "wonderful academic opportunity" they "squander" is probably not one they asked for -- and nor is it one they inherently need or would benefit from. Shocking as it seems, most people are of average intelligence. And most people probably have very little intrinsic interest in many of the things taught in school. And lots of people lead happy lives without graduating from high school with a 3 point something GPA and without going to a "great college." Nor is graduating from such a college the only or a sure-fire way to end up affluent. (Not to mention that great colleges certainly have their share of lazy/spoiled/unmotivated students...)

At any rate, my point is that it's really important not to mix up ends and means and to impose a particular model of success on your child regardless of fit or interest. I'd much rather raise a happy carpenter or cook or auto mechanic or stylist than a bored/resentful desk jockey.

[Anonymous]

Some kids ARE spoiled/lazy/unmotivated. And so are some adults. To pretend otherwise is like burying your head in the sand. And while I'm sure you are sincere in saying that you wouldn't mind if your child became a dishwasher or a hairstylist, the point is that you don't need to spend $30K/year for K-12 to achieve that result.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bingo!

If you're wealthy, I guess it wouldn't matter as much, because you would have the extra income to burn anyway. But there are plenty of families who struggle and sacrifice to scrape together $30,000/year for tuition, in order to provide their DC with a wonderful academic opportunity and the possibility of going onto a great college. What about the kids who don't have LDs or SNs--I'm talking about the ones who are just lazy/spoiled/unmotivated? What's their excuse? If you are one of those families struggling financially, why would you continue to pay $30,000/year, if your child squanders that opportunity by refusing to put in the effort?

Anonymous wrote:i didn't write it pp -- but I think they meant why would you invest $30k if the kid wasn't going to really excel or try.

While I basically agree with the bottom line (i.e. don't pour tons of money into private education if it doesn't help your kid succeed academically), the way the issue is framed here really bothers me.

LDs/SNs aren't "excuses" and kids who kid Cs at expensive private schools aren't necessarily "lazy/spoiled/motivated." And this "wonderful academic opportunity" they "squander" is probably not one they asked for -- and nor is it one they inherently need or would benefit from. Shocking as it seems, most people are of average intelligence. And most people probably have very little intrinsic interest in many of the things taught in school. And lots of people lead happy lives without graduating from high school with a 3 point something GPA and without going to a "great college." Nor is graduating from such a college the only or a sure-fire way to end up affluent. (Not to mention that great colleges certainly have their share of lazy/spoiled/unmotivated students...)

At any rate, my point is that it's really important not to mix up ends and means and to impose a particular model of success on your child regardless of fit or interest. I'd much rather raise a happy carpenter or cook or auto mechanic or stylist than a bored/resentful desk jockey.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom with severe ADD, and let me tell ya - school was hell from High School through Colllege.

Things seem to be a little better for school-age kids today, but personally I think the curriculum and teaching methods are what need to be adjusted - not the kid. I'm sure it is not fun getting counseled out - and scarier yet, knowing where to go.

We ADD-types can be really complicated - but it makes me who I am and I wouldn't give up my wonderful family, artistic talents or unique world view for anything. My parents always loved me unconditionally and I'm thankful they let me be me (which was not easy at times).

[Anonymous]

I have a question for anyone whose child has ever been counseled out of a private school. Once you got over the initial shock and disruption, do you think that in retrospect that the school made the right decision? And is your child faring better in his or her new school?

[Anonymous]

Good question pp. This is actually funny now, but it wasn't at the time. When our daughter was 3.5 years old...she went to Pre-K at Holy Trinity Catholic School in DC. They told us she really didn't belong there...because she "wasn't a leader". Well, thank God we left that terrible school. Kid ended up at a great private school + is now at an Ivy.

I thank Holy Trinity every day....if kid would have stayed there she would have been "just average". I don't know where they got the leader thing. I guess women aren't leaders in the Catholic Schools...she would have had to turn into a boy to be "one of their leaders." Unbelievable stuff what schools tell parents/kids. They rob kids of their potential futures everyday -- privates and publics alike.

[Anonymous]

PP, I love it when things turn out for the best, even though at the time the school's decision can be infuriating. Seeing to the future past injustices like the one you describe is what helps my family through the ups and downs of dealing with the private school's administration.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the nice words pp -- it's nice when someone on DCUM has something nice to say instead of turning it around and making it something negative. I agree it is good to turn things around for the best. At the time, we were worried our daughter was a "special case" based on what the school said. But, then again, I went to Catholic Schools for 12 years and they told my mom I was a manic-depressive because I loved to draw black pictures. Even today ... black is my favorite color.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for anyone whose child has ever been counseled out of a private school. Once you got over the initial shock and disruption, do you think that in retrospect that the school made the right decision? And is your child faring better in his or her new school?

My DS was counseled out of a private school in K while we were having him evaluated. The school knew that he was undergoing the evaluation, but didn't even bother to wait for the results. The diagnosis was ADHD. He started medication and is now in another private school doing phenomenally well, way above grade level. Had my DS stayed at the original school, he would have done equally well academically. But I'm so glad that he's not there anymore. I despise the school for the way they pushed him out the door and made him feel. My comfort is that it's really their loss. He's an incredible kid.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing your story, PP. While I've heard that Holy Trinity is a good school, apparently it wasn't the best fit for your DC. It's good to hear that your DC found a school that was a better fit and allowed her to thrive. I guess that when schools counsel out children, sometimes they DO know what they're talking about.

Anonymous wrote:Good question pp. This is actually funny now, but it wasn't at the time. When our daughter was 3.5 years old...she went to Pre-K at Holy Trinity Catholic School in DC. They told us she really didn't belong there...because she "wasn't a leader". Well, thank God we left that terrible school. Kid ended up at a great private school + is now at an Ivy.

I thank Holy Trinity every day....if kid would have stayed there she would have been "just average". I don't know where they got the leader thing. I guess women aren't leaders in the Catholic Schools...she would have had to turn into a boy to be "one of their leaders." Unbelievable stuff what schools tell parents/kids. They rob kids of their potential futures everyday -- privates and publics alike.

[Anonymous]

I think the some of these (recent) PP's are saying that it has less to do with the school not being the 'right fit' and more to do with injustice or the school's warped sense of what is good and appropriate for children. Lets make sure we don't absolve the schools who acted inappropriately from the criticism they deserve. And there are some schools that do counsel out children for really stupid reasons.
We are now being counseled out by a Virginia school, one that is known for being able to handle children with milder issues. We were honest and open about DC. I even asked the admissions director directly if DC was someone they could handle. Now that DC has been in that school nearly one year and has grown to love it, he's being counseled out. Imagine how hard it is to tell your child who is only in kindergarten that he can no longer go back to the school that he loves.
Sometimes it has little to do with not being the right fit for a school and everything to do with plain ol' stupidity on the school's part. Fifteen years from now I have a feeling I will be writing a post like 9:44's. DC is well ahead of most of his peers, always has been. He has mild ADHD and for that he's being asked to leave a school that is known for handling children with such issues. And at that time, I will send that school a thank you letter...because I realize that any school that can't recognize that DC is a gem is too stupid to be educating DC.

[Anonymous]

I guess I am a bit skeptical that schools would counsel out -- with all the loss of goodwill that is entailed -- if there is not pretty significant disruptive behavior by the child in question. We are not there day in and day out to observe how the child interacts with others, how much of the teacher's time he takes up, etc. (It does seem tough to do this in Kindergarten, though, without giving the kid a chance to mature a bit and do better the next year.)

[Anonymous]

Well the recent PP's are all those whose children are quite young and yet are being counseled out. Five year olds are quite capable of have lapses in memory and doing things that just don't make sense. So unless a child is bipolar or on the autism spectrum and aggressive also, these children should probably not have been counseled out. Sometimes if schools get more applications for the following year they just figure our children are easily replaceable with kids with zero issues. Yes, it's their prerogative to do so but it's unethical.