The moment you knew your spouse did not love you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When he a) screamed at me and humiliated me in public - after I had supported him for months during a breakdown; b) when he told me to go back to my home country and not come back; c) when he screamed at me that he would no longer sponsor my visa (not in US - another country where my residence depended on his job); d) when he took a very deliberate decision to embark on an action that I did not agree with and had been clear from the start of our relationship that I would never agree with it (religious practice); e) when he told me that he had always known he would take that action. (ie when I realized that he had lied to me from the start and that out relationship was based on a lie as there would NOT have been a second date had he been truthful).

Curious what religion and what action?

Catholic Church. Was a lapsed Catholic when we met, disliked the church, agreed with me on abortion (or so I thought) and the church excusing pedophiles. Went back to the church a few years ago, joined the Knights of Columbus and now believes that the media is out to get the church. I am a different religion, do not practice and have had bad experiences on how divisive religion can be. Spouse constantly wants me to force kids to go to church and every time they do something he disagrees with, tells me it’s because they have no religion. I would not have considered a second date with someone who was dedicated to a religious practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ That’s not gaslighting. Gaslighting in this case would be telling her it didn’t happen, and no one is saying that.

You are essentially telling her that though, that the look she saw wasn't the look she saw it was something else it meant something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she would rather masturbate than have sex with me. Been going on 2 months with no sex. I’m ready to leave

You think masturbation means your spouse doesn’t love you? Yikes, dude. You’re too delicate for a long-term relationship.

I think it was the "rather masturbate than have sex with me" and "going on for 2 months with no sex" part that was the indicator. How is that being too delicate??

[Anonymous]

when he deleted all my pictures

[Anonymous]

When she was moving in with her ex boyfriend before breaking up with me.

[Anonymous]

Husband abruptly left in the middle of a holiday weekend to fly to another city to attend a fun event with the woman he was in love with. Because one of our kids had just been diagnosed with autism and I thought it was important for dc to have a stable home life, I told dh I could forgive him, as long as he apologized and showed remorse. I will never forget his response, because that was the moment I knew: “Do you want me to lie? Because, obviously, I don’t regret it.”

As painful as that was, it’s been 10 times more painful that he doesn’t want physical custody of our kids. I don’t mean that he doesn’t want 50/50; I mean he’s not seeking any custodial time at all. That has shocked me to my core.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband abruptly left in the middle of a holiday weekend to fly to another city to attend a fun event with the woman he was in love with. Because one of our kids had just been diagnosed with autism and I thought it was important for dc to have a stable home life, I told dh I could forgive him, as long as he apologized and showed remorse. I will never forget his response, because that was the moment I knew: “Do you want me to lie? Because, obviously, I don’t regret it.”

As painful as that was, it’s been 10 times more painful that he doesn’t want physical custody of our kids. I don’t mean that he doesn’t want 50/50; I mean he’s not seeking any custodial time at all. That has shocked me to my core.

I'm so sorry - hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she would rather masturbate than have sex with me. Been going on 2 months with no sex. I’m ready to leave

Two whole months!

That's a long time for people in a relationship and under 65 with normal sex drives.

Yeah I mean, I've had three kids. Sometimes you go two months. But if you have gone two months and there is not a clear reason why (like pregnancy or an illness or an injury or something) and you're not talking about it. To me that is a very bad sign.

Two months isn't that long, but two months turns into two years because you didn't think two months was that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ That’s not gaslighting. Gaslighting in this case would be telling her it didn’t happen, and no one is saying that.

You are essentially telling her that though, that the look she saw wasn't the look she saw it was something else it meant something else.

No, it is telling her that even she saw that look and it meant that he was attracted to her, that he still very well may love and be attracted to his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ That’s not gaslighting. Gaslighting in this case would be telling her it didn’t happen, and no one is saying that.

You are essentially telling her that though, that the look she saw wasn't the look she saw it was something else it meant something else.

No, it is telling her that even she saw that look and it meant that he was attracted to her, that he still very well may love and be attracted to his wife.

So you're saying you know better than the wife who knows her husband and who experienced the look?

Let me ask you this why are you insisting pp can't be right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ That’s not gaslighting. Gaslighting in this case would be telling her it didn’t happen, and no one is saying that.

You are essentially telling her that though, that the look she saw wasn't the look she saw it was something else it meant something else.

No, it is telling her that even she saw that look and it meant that he was attracted to her, that he still very well may love and be attracted to his wife.

So you're saying you know better than the wife who knows her husband and who experienced the look?

Let me ask you this why are you insisting pp can't be right?

I'm not saying that she "can't be right." I'm just saying that she might be mistaken. All we had to go on was her statement that her husband looked admiringly at his colleague when she sang. If there is other information that makes clear that he doesn't love her, besides that one thing, then that would be a different story.

Regardless, it is not "gaslighting" to tell her that she might be drawing the wrong conclusions.

Why are you so sensitive about this? Are you this defensive any time someone suggestions you might have drawn the wrong conclusion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ That’s not gaslighting. Gaslighting in this case would be telling her it didn’t happen, and no one is saying that.

You are essentially telling her that though, that the look she saw wasn't the look she saw it was something else it meant something else.

No, it is telling her that even she saw that look and it meant that he was attracted to her, that he still very well may love and be attracted to his wife.

So you're saying you know better than the wife who knows her husband and who experienced the look?

Let me ask you this why are you insisting pp can't be right?

I'm not saying that she "can't be right." I'm just saying that she might be mistaken. All we had to go on was her statement that her husband looked admiringly at his colleague when she sang. If there is other information that makes clear that he doesn't love her, besides that one thing, then that would be a different story.

Regardless, it is not "gaslighting" to tell her that she might be drawing the wrong conclusions.

Why are you so sensitive about this? Are you this defensive any time someone suggestions you might have drawn the wrong conclusion?

DP. When that poster saw the way her husband looked at a coworker, that was probably the moment she realized there was a problem. She didn’t give us the play-by-play of everything that happened after she noticed “the look,” but I wouldn’t be surprised if that look wasn’t the end of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ That’s not gaslighting. Gaslighting in this case would be telling her it didn’t happen, and no one is saying that.

You are essentially telling her that though, that the look she saw wasn't the look she saw it was something else it meant something else.

No, it is telling her that even she saw that look and it meant that he was attracted to her, that he still very well may love and be attracted to his wife.

So you're saying you know better than the wife who knows her husband and who experienced the look?

Let me ask you this why are you insisting pp can't be right?

I'm not saying that she "can't be right." I'm just saying that she might be mistaken. All we had to go on was her statement that her husband looked admiringly at his colleague when she sang. If there is other information that makes clear that he doesn't love her, besides that one thing, then that would be a different story.

Regardless, it is not "gaslighting" to tell her that she might be drawing the wrong conclusions.

Why are you so sensitive about this? Are you this defensive any time someone suggestions you might have drawn the wrong conclusion?

I just find it super annoying in threads like these where the question is person, , the OP asked the moment when you, meaning each individual respondent, not a universal opinion on when you can tell someone doesn't love you anymore, therefore it's not opinion to interpretation or argument, that's the moment, pp knew her husband didn't love her anymore, so ti's not your place to the say, you're wrong or it coul have meant this, basicuall you sill little girl you don't know your own mind I know better than you it's obnoxious and condescending, and yes a form of gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

^ I’m the PP who originally said it was not gaslighting, but none of the follow on posts were mine. I think your last post is mostly valid except it’s still not gaslighting - what you are describing may be other things, but it’s not consistent with the definition of gaslighting. People throw that term around very loosely on DCUM and it minimizes those situations where it is actually occurring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I’m the PP who originally said it was not gaslighting, but none of the follow on posts were mine. I think your last post is mostly valid except it’s still not gaslighting - what you are describing may be other things, but it’s not consistent with the definition of gaslighting. People throw that term around very loosely on DCUM and it minimizes those situations where it is actually occurring.

Gaslighting:
Psychologists use the term “gaslighting” to refer to a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions.

Seems to fit the bill to me.