can you un-"break" a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Short version of my long story is that my husband and I have been married for 12 years, have two small children, and he had a year-long affair that ended last year. He also had a one-night stand cheating episode right when we started dating, years before marriage, which I chalked up to a stupid mistake.

The things that attracted me to my husband were his supportive nature and love of family. I thought he was a very good, loving person. But that perception has been shattered by his affair. In marriage counseling, the therapist keeps telling us to try to reconnect with what brought us together, but my reasons seen unreal now. My husband does seem very remorseful (after being a jerk for about six months after I discovered the affair). I guess he snapped out of it. But I can't just snap out of feeling that my feelings are broken. It's not like our core attraction was based on shared interests; my attraction was to someone stable and loving. I really loved that about him.

Anyone overcome this broken feeling? I don't hate him and I do love him, but it's really not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short version of my long story is that my husband and I have been married for 12 years, have two small children, and he had a year-long affair that ended last year. He also had a one-night stand cheating episode right when we started dating, years before marriage, which I chalked up to a stupid mistake.

The things that attracted me to my husband were his supportive nature and love of family. I thought he was a very good, loving person. But that perception has been shattered by his affair. In marriage counseling, the therapist keeps telling us to try to reconnect with what brought us together, but my reasons seen unreal now. My husband does seem very remorseful (after being a jerk for about six months after I discovered the affair). I guess he snapped out of it. But I can't just snap out of feeling that my feelings are broken. It's not like our core attraction was based on shared interests; my attraction was to someone stable and loving. I really loved that about him.

Anyone overcome this broken feeling? I don't hate him and I do love him, but it's really not the same.

I'd like to know the same (but I'm the cheater). Can I get that loving feeling for my spouse back?

[Anonymous]

Cheating victim here. IMO, you can't really get back what you lost. Like you, my attraction to DH was based in large part on a perception I had about him that was completely untrue. It's like waking up and finding yourself married to a stranger.

I think the only choice is spend time really getting to know the person he IS or is trying to become. Can you love that person?

Also, you have to put much more focus into building your own life. The only person you really know and can trust is you. Love and do for yourself more than anyone else. In the end, you're the only one you can rely on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short version of my long story is that my husband and I have been married for 12 years, have two small children, and he had a year-long affair that ended last year. He also had a one-night stand cheating episode right when we started dating, years before marriage, which I chalked up to a stupid mistake.

The things that attracted me to my husband were his supportive nature and love of family. I thought he was a very good, loving person. But that perception has been shattered by his affair. In marriage counseling, the therapist keeps telling us to try to reconnect with what brought us together, but my reasons seen unreal now. My husband does seem very remorseful (after being a jerk for about six months after I discovered the affair). I guess he snapped out of it. But I can't just snap out of feeling that my feelings are broken. It's not like our core attraction was based on shared interests; my attraction was to someone stable and loving. I really loved that about him.

Anyone overcome this broken feeling? I don't hate him and I do love him, but it's really not the same.

Do you think if you had taken that one night stand a little more seriously it would have made a difference now. It seems like it was a red flag that was ignored during the thralls of early dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating victim here. IMO, you can't really get back what you lost. Like you, my attraction to DH was based in large part on a perception I had about him that was completely untrue. It's like waking up and finding yourself married to a stranger.

I think the only choice is spend time really getting to know the person he IS or is trying to become. Can you love that person?

Also, you have to put much more focus into building your own life. The only person you really know and can trust is you. Love and do for yourself more than anyone else. In the end, you're the only one you can rely on.

Excellent advice and I agree with every word. You know the phrase "you can't un-ring the bell", well, you'll never be able to completely put this out of your mind. I honestly can't say how I'd deal with this situation, but I have a feeling that I would never be able to truly overcome the poison it put into my relationship and eventually I'd have to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Short version of my long story is that my husband and I have been married for 12 years, have two small children, and he had a year-long affair that ended last year. He also had a one-night stand cheating episode right when we started dating, years before marriage, which I chalked up to a stupid mistake.

The things that attracted me to my husband were his supportive nature and love of family. I thought he was a very good, loving person. But that perception has been shattered by his affair. In marriage counseling, the therapist keeps telling us to try to reconnect with what brought us together, but my reasons seen unreal now. My husband does seem very remorseful (after being a jerk for about six months after I discovered the affair). I guess he snapped out of it. But I can't just snap out of feeling that my feelings are broken. It's not like our core attraction was based on shared interests; my attraction was to someone stable and loving. I really loved that about him.

Anyone overcome this broken feeling? I don't hate him and I do love him, but it's really not the same.

Do you think if you had taken that one night stand a little more seriously it would have made a difference now. It seems like it was a red flag that was ignored during the thralls of early dating.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you think if you had taken that one night stand a little more seriously it would have made a difference now. It seems like it was a red flag that was ignored during the thralls of early dating.

Yes - I think I should have taken it more seriously. In addition to him having the one-night stand, he didn't tell me about it for years, a mutual friend outed him. That actually broke some of my feelings right then. I was less physically attracted to him almost instantaneously. But he told me he didn't tell me about it because it was a stupid mistake and he knew he would never hurt me again, and I was naive and believed him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you think if you had taken that one night stand a little more seriously it would have made a difference now. It seems like it was a red flag that was ignored during the thralls of early dating.

Yes - I think I should have taken it more seriously. In addition to him having the one-night stand, he didn't tell me about it for years, a mutual friend outed him. That actually broke some of my feelings right then. I was less physically attracted to him almost instantaneously. But he told me he didn't tell me about it because it was a stupid mistake and he knew he would never hurt me again, and I was naive and believed him.

I don't think you were naive to believe him. A person could have a one night stand while dating and never dream of having a year long affair while married, don't beat yourself up for not knowing everything he was capable of.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it sounds as if the issue is that you were attracted to only one thing about him. It makes sense, then, that if you no longer believe in that thing, there is nothing left. That's why it's a bad idea to marry someone just because you think they are hit. One day, they won't be, so what's left. I think you either need to find a way to love all of him, warts and all, to even have a shot. That he was a jerk after you found out does not help his case at all.

[Anonymous]

Hot, not hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds as if the issue is that you were attracted to only one thing about him. It makes sense, then, that if you no longer believe in that thing, there is nothing left. That's why it's a bad idea to marry someone just because you think they are hit. One day, they won't be, so what's left. I think you either need to find a way to love all of him, warts and all, to even have a shot. That he was a jerk after you found out does not help his case at all.

Did you even read OP's post?

[Anonymous]

I can only say I commiserate, OP. No advice. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I've never been in this situation so take my questions with a grain of salt but ...
A year long affair is obviously not a stupid mistake but is more malicious and selfish ... so was he a good guy when you found out? Did he own up like a man or keep trying to avoid? Can you find any trust in that??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never been in this situation so take my questions with a grain of salt but ...
A year long affair is obviously not a stupid mistake but is more malicious and selfish ... so was he a good guy when you found out? Did he own up like a man or keep trying to avoid? Can you find any trust in that??

He admitted it when I asked him. I am not sure I believe him on the scope of the affair, but he did immediately admit what was going on, and he ended it (well, he said he did and I have no evidence otherwise). He basically blamed me for it for about six months, saying that he was unhappy and that I did not make enough time for him. At the time, I had a one-year old, so the affair started right after I had my last child. I think he was having some sort of midlife crisis, and it was easier to just blame me and not take responsibility. Not that I am perfect, I am not, but there was nothing awful in our relationship - we had an active sex life during his affair (which is gross to me), but I was tired and overwhelmed with the two small kids. About six months after he admitted the affair, he all of the sudden seemed to realize he had been a monumental jerk to me and now feels extremely bad about treating me the way he did both during and after the affair.

The killer is that he was so sweet to the OW, and during that six-month time frame he said he felt guilty for hurting her, but he didn't seem to feel very bad about hurting me until he snapped out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds as if the issue is that you were attracted to only one thing about him. It makes sense, then, that if you no longer believe in that thing, there is nothing left. That's why it's a bad idea to marry someone just because you think they are hit. One day, they won't be, so what's left. I think you either need to find a way to love all of him, warts and all, to even have a shot. That he was a jerk after you found out does not help his case at all.

Did you even read OP's post?

I did. What I got from it is that she thought he was loving and stable and that's what she loved. So when the counselor tells them to focus on the things that drew them together in the first place (e.g., humor, sexual compatibility, shared hobbies, etc.) she can't find anything. There was nothing else there.