can you un-"break" a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you think if you had taken that one night stand a little more seriously it would have made a difference now. It seems like it was a red flag that was ignored during the thralls of early dating.

Yes - I think I should have taken it more seriously. In addition to him having the one-night stand, he didn't tell me about it for years, a mutual friend outed him. That actually broke some of my feelings right then. I was less physically attracted to him almost instantaneously. But he told me he didn't tell me about it because it was a stupid mistake and he knew he would never hurt me again, and I was naive and believed him.

I don't think you were naive to believe him. A person could have a one night stand while dating and never dream of having a year long affair while married, don't beat yourself up for not knowing everything he was capable of.

NP here. I disagree. I think if someone can cheat on you when you are in the first blush of a relationship, then it's almost a certainty they'll cheat on you when you've been married for years. A one night stand is cheating. It's also reckless because it means your BF doesn't know the person and could be exposing you to disease or exposing himself to an unplanned pregnancy that he'll have no say over.

And that goes both ways. A woman who can delude herself into thinking it's okay that she had one mistake (one night stand) while dating will eventually cheat on or leave her husband. In this scenario, it's usually that the woman isn't really that into/attracted to her husband to begin with. She's with him because he either (1) makes a lot of money (or has the potential to) or (2) provides an emotional stability (in this case, the woman is usually insecure and doesn't think she can "do better," so the cheating is a result of someone more attractive showing interest in her).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never been in this situation so take my questions with a grain of salt but ...
A year long affair is obviously not a stupid mistake but is more malicious and selfish ... so was he a good guy when you found out? Did he own up like a man or keep trying to avoid? Can you find any trust in that??

He admitted it when I asked him. I am not sure I believe him on the scope of the affair, but he did immediately admit what was going on, and he ended it (well, he said he did and I have no evidence otherwise). He basically blamed me for it for about six months, saying that he was unhappy and that I did not make enough time for him. At the time, I had a one-year old, so the affair started right after I had my last child. I think he was having some sort of midlife crisis, and it was easier to just blame me and not take responsibility. Not that I am perfect, I am not, but there was nothing awful in our relationship - we had an active sex life during his affair (which is gross to me), but I was tired and overwhelmed with the two small kids. About six months after he admitted the affair, he all of the sudden seemed to realize he had been a monumental jerk to me and now feels extremely bad about treating me the way he did both during and after the affair.

The killer is that he was so sweet to the OW, and during that six-month time frame he said he felt guilty for hurting her, but he didn't seem to feel very bad about hurting me until he snapped out of it.

I'm so sorry, OP. There is no way I could get past this, even if he "snapped out of it" after the fact. He was so selfish, malicious even, in his actions. I would never be able to trust him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short version of my long story is that my husband and I have been married for 12 years, have two small children, and he had a year-long affair that ended last year. He also had a one-night stand cheating episode right when we started dating, years before marriage, which I chalked up to a stupid mistake.

The things that attracted me to my husband were his supportive nature and love of family. I thought he was a very good, loving person. But that perception has been shattered by his affair. In marriage counseling, the therapist keeps telling us to try to reconnect with what brought us together, but my reasons seen unreal now. My husband does seem very remorseful (after being a jerk for about six months after I discovered the affair). I guess he snapped out of it. But I can't just snap out of feeling that my feelings are broken. It's not like our core attraction was based on shared interests; my attraction was to someone stable and loving. I really loved that about him.

Anyone overcome this broken feeling? I don't hate him and I do love him, but it's really not the same.

It will never be the same. Question is, do you think you ca make something good, but different, out of it?