Is it normal to have second thoughts?
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Anonymous
| Planning on getting married in the Spring. Over the last week I've been having some second thoughts. We have strong differing family values (he is very close with his, I am not close with mine). Different political beliefs. I feel like I wear the pants in the relationship. I buy him alot of gifts and feel like I put alot of effort into making him happy and feel special and he never buys me anything. I understand this sounds petty, but I took him shopping the other day and we come home and he tells me about a pair of shoes he wants to buy his sister. Which really frustrated me. |
Anonymous
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I think if you're feeling this way before the wedding, it signifies a problem. Any issues in the relationship that exist pre-marriage get exacerbated once you're married.
I think society portrays it as totally normal to have second thoughts, but IMO that's not normal in happy relationships. |
Anonymous
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When you're childless and desperate at 40, your current concerns will seem, in retrospect, totally trivial.
But hey, you will have your cats. |
Anonymous
| Childless and desperate at 40 sounds like a better alternative to married and unhappy. |
Anonymous
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I married someone who completely adores me, and tells me so regularly. Very affectionate.
BUT...he's a terrible gift giver (when he does give gifts). Ugh. I'd prefer he just didn't give me gifts. If I had not married him because he didn't buy me gifts, I'd miss out on the love of my life. |
Anonymous
Couldn't have said it better myself. |
Anonymous
How does he treat you otherwise? My spouse was never good at buying gifts but he treats very well. He has taken care of me when I was really sick. He goes out of his way to pick up my favorite dinner. He is an awesome dad. He always has my back. These are the things that matter. |
Anonymous
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About 2 weeks before the wedding, I had a "WTF am I doing?" moment. It was just the stress of wedding planning, moving in together, dealing with stupid family members (mostly mine), etc. Been married 4 years now and it was an excellent decision.
BUT -- that doesn't sound like your situation. The family & political values are concerning because those sound like core values that really impact how you see the world. People with differing views certainly can be happily married, but when they are core to how you see the world AND you have concerns - time to take a step back and evaluate. Same thing with the wearing the pants comment; it indicates you see the roles in your relationship as different than how you want the roles to be. I'm the wife and have the stronger personality in our relationship, which at times is frustrating to me, but only in that I like the IDEA of someone else wearing the pants. I do the same thing at work - I take charge, get pissed I'm always the one who has to be in charge, but in reality -- if someone else did take charge, that would be more frustrating to me. I'm very lucky I married someone laid back, because it is my nature to take charge and it would be bad in reality if we were both battling to "wear the pants." But that doesn't mean I don't sometimes fantasize about others taking charge -- it just means I realize the reality of that isn't the same as what I think I want. The gift thing is no big deal to me. My DH is AWFUL at giving gifts, and we've set parameters around gift giving to make it less of a big deal. He still manages to find ways to give awful gifts, and I've just accepted that and buy myself what I want. That one is pretty easy to get over. OP, my suggestion to you is pre-marital counseling. I recommend it to everyone, but especially people with doubts. We used a real, licensed family therapist and she worked through a lot of John Gottman's stuff with us. It was absolutely critical to our success especially in the first year of marriage. We actually did our pre-marital counseling before getting engaged, because I knew once there was a ring and a date, that train wasn't slowing down and would be VERY hard to face real concerns. You HAVE to be incredibly honest in counseling. Have one-on-one sessions if needed with the counselor so you both can share your concerns candidly and then he or she can help bring them up in the right way when you are together. Even if you realize these cold feet are no big deal, and he is a good match for you, you'll need coping skills to have a successful relationship. If you're not willing to get pre-marital counseling & preparation, then it is only going to be harder in the future. |
Anonymous
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For me, I had doubts about marriage in general. (Is it being monogamous for 40+ years achievable?) But I never had doubts about him and us.
As for your situation: 1) what is your love language? I dated someone who's love language was gifts. He was always buying me stuff. Drove me insane. My love languages are Words and Touch. He never said I Love You (or anything else sweet) and hated holding hands or snuggling on the couch. We were so NOT RIGHT for each other. 2) this is not about gift giving. It's about being made to feel special. Knowing that your SO thinks of ways to make you happy. Do you feel like you do what you can to make him feel special, but he doesn't do that back? |
Anonymous
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"Do you feel like you do what you can to make him feel special, but he doesn't do that back?"
Yes. |
Anonymous
This. I lived it. The kind of cold feet you write about is not typical. I thought it was. Issued will be exacerbated when you are married and again tenfold if you have kids. |
Anonymous
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"Cold feet" in the sense of "oh my gosh what am I doing am I meant to get married? what if he's not the right one? Aaaaah!" were normal for me, my friends, and my happily married mother and MIL. Having a ball of emotions before the biggest decision of your life is not unusual or indicative of anything deeply wrong.
But you don't sound like you have cold feet, you sound like you have very serious and legitimate reservations about his ability and/or willingness to be a good partner. That means PAUSE on all wedding planning while you look into premarital counseling or while you determine if you are, in fact, the #1 person in his life or if you will always be overlooked (as in the gift buying). My gut from your post is that he is not a good candidate for marriage for you, but your relationship is bigger than your OP. |
Anonymous
| Normal. |
Anonymous
| TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. holy cow, you need to put this wedding on hold at a minimum. I know you wont though. Women never do. Just look at this board for evidence of that. He sounds like a moocher. you will lose all respect for him within two years of marriage. Do you share accounts? you need to keep your own money.Stop buying him clothes.Having kids will be the absolute end of the marriage. your fiance just sounds like doormat and that is never ever going end well. |
Anonymous
| A few jitters are normal, yes, but you're citing concerns about values, and those issues become magnified in marriage and when kids are introduced. I don't think you are the right fit for each other. |