Reply to Is it normal to have second thoughts?

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[quote=Anonymous]About 2 weeks before the wedding, I had a "WTF am I doing?" moment. It was just the stress of wedding planning, moving in together, dealing with stupid family members (mostly mine), etc. Been married 4 years now and it was an excellent decision.

BUT -- that doesn't sound like your situation. The family & political values are concerning because those sound like core values that really impact how you see the world. People with differing views certainly can be happily married, but when they are core to how you see the world AND you have concerns - time to take a step back and evaluate. Same thing with the wearing the pants comment; it indicates you see the roles in your relationship as different than how you want the roles to be.

I'm the wife and have the stronger personality in our relationship, which at times is frustrating to me, but only in that I like the IDEA of someone else wearing the pants. I do the same thing at work - I take charge, get pissed I'm always the one who has to be in charge, but in reality -- if someone else did take charge, that would be more frustrating to me. I'm very lucky I married someone laid back, because it is my nature to take charge and it would be bad in reality if we were both battling to "wear the pants." But that doesn't mean I don't sometimes fantasize about others taking charge -- it just means I realize the reality of that isn't the same as what I think I want.

The gift thing is no big deal to me. My DH is AWFUL at giving gifts, and we've set parameters around gift giving to make it less of a big deal. He still manages to find ways to give awful gifts, and I've just accepted that and buy myself what I want. That one is pretty easy to get over.

OP, my suggestion to you is pre-marital counseling. I recommend it to everyone, but especially people with doubts. We used a real, licensed family therapist and she worked through a lot of John Gottman's stuff with us. It was absolutely critical to our success especially in the first year of marriage. We actually did our pre-marital counseling before getting engaged, because I knew once there was a ring and a date, that train wasn't slowing down and would be VERY hard to face real concerns.

You HAVE to be incredibly honest in counseling. Have one-on-one sessions if needed with the counselor so you both can share your concerns candidly and then he or she can help bring them up in the right way when you are together.

Even if you realize these cold feet are no big deal, and he is a good match for you, you'll need coping skills to have a successful relationship. If you're not willing to get pre-marital counseling & preparation, then it is only going to be harder in the future. [/quote]

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