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[quote=Anonymous]My mom is a strange bird. I love her, but our past is too complicated for me to allow myself to ever get very close to her. I'm not comfortable being vulnerable around her, and I tend to withdraw when she comes to visit. It's not something I do intentionally, but I think it is a deeply rooted protection mechanism.

I can't quite put a label on what makes her so strange, but here are some examples:

-she has zero boundaries. she wants to stay with me immediately after the birth of my 2nd child, but I'm putting her off because I know she would just sit there staring at me breastfeeding all day.

-when I try to put boundaries in place, she fights against them. for example, no, mom, I only want my DH to be in the delivery room with me. "But I'm your mother, and it might be my last grandchild."

-she knows we have a small house and prefer short visits, but still tries to come visit for weeks or a month at a time, forcing me to say no every time.

-I no longer visit her in her home because of serious issues I have with her husband, who sexually assaulted me in the past. This was 15 years ago and she spent the first 11 years in denial, then finally acknowledged it and wanted to move forward and mend things, ultimately asking if he could attend my wedding with her (I said no). Talks about him adoringly, telling me about presents he gave her, etc.

-insanely strong self-protection mechanism of denial (see above). her reality is just not always the same as everyone else's.

-it's like she's not present during conversations, instead she is off in la-la land thinking about herself the next thing she's going to stay.

-brags about how wonderful of a mother she was, even though that is far from true. I received Christmas presents one year that she and a friend stole from a store (I was a middle schooler and was with them). She frequently left us home alone all night while she went and partied, and we frequently went without basic necessities (but there was always party money). She had a live-in boyfriend who beat the crap out of both her and my brother, and ultimately chose him over my brother, who went to live with a relative. Then, she married the creep I referenced above. Always chose these loser men over her children. But, of course, that is not how any of it happened in her mind. She thinks she was the mother of the year and regularly solicits feedback in order to confirm that.

-she's socially weird, loud, and often inappropriate. for example, she thinks it's hilarious to tell the story about how, when I was a baby, she thought I was "retarded" because I was such a chill baby compared to my high-energy older brother.

Honestly, I cannot stand her even though I care about her. I feel obligated to continue a relationship with her, and my daughter enjoys her.

The point of this post, though, is... does she have a mental illness, or is she just the product of unfortunate circumstances? I try to approach her with compassion, assuming the latter, but I am just curious what is at play here. She's not a mean or vindictive person, and can be logical at times. [/quote]

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