How long before you trusted your spouse again - if you did?

[Anonymous]

Three months out and I veer between disgust and hatred. Not sure I'll ever trust my husband again.

If you were cheated on, did you trust again? How long did it take? And on a side note: how long before you had sex?

[Anonymous]

I am still feeling the effects and it has been over five years and a kid later.

[Anonymous]

Why should you?

Why would you trust? Why would you think it's going to be alright. That's foolish.

Adultery, Abuse or Addiction = divorce. Get out now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should you?

Why would you trust? Why would you think it's going to be alright. That's foolish.

Adultery, Abuse or Addiction = divorce. Get out now

I think people are too quick to suggest divorce. Nothing is quite so simple, PP.

OP, I am deeply sorry for what you are going through. Although I don't have direct experience with this, I know that two of my friends went through the experience of being cheated on by their husbands. Friend 1 ultimately got divorced, but Friend 2 sort of changed the marriage dynamic for a few years. She had to put up an emotional wall for a while and detached herself from him, worked on her own life. She found that she felt better when she directed her thoughts toward gainful pursuits, because that was the only way to distract herself from the hatred and anger. So she lost weight, read all the books on her Amazon wish list, engaged more with her friends, and got a new job. Her husband is now afraid to lose her and kisses her ass, and she keeps the power dynamic that way. I don't think she loves him, but I think she does enjoy being treated so respectfully and she gains from keeping her marriage intact (financial stability, the kids have one home, still has a partner to help her with things even if there is no emotional or sexual connection.)

[Anonymous]

Eight months of marriage counseling and protestations of love and wanting to work on marriage after the initial discovery. All lies!
Now divorced and exDW is with her girlfriend.
You might be a saint and he might be reformed but the odds are against both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should you?

Why would you trust? Why would you think it's going to be alright. That's foolish.

Adultery, Abuse or Addiction = divorce. Get out now

I think people are too quick to suggest divorce. Nothing is quite so simple, PP.

OP, I am deeply sorry for what you are going through. Although I don't have direct experience with this, I know that two of my friends went through the experience of being cheated on by their husbands. Friend 1 ultimately got divorced, but Friend 2 sort of changed the marriage dynamic for a few years. She had to put up an emotional wall for a while and detached herself from him, worked on her own life. She found that she felt better when she directed her thoughts toward gainful pursuits, because that was the only way to distract herself from the hatred and anger. So she lost weight, read all the books on her Amazon wish list, engaged more with her friends, and got a new job. Her husband is now afraid to lose her and kisses her ass, and she keeps the power dynamic that way. I don't think she loves him, but I think she does enjoy being treated so respectfully and she gains from keeping her marriage intact (financial stability, the kids have one home, still has a partner to help her with things even if there is no emotional or sexual connection.)

Oh yay - that's something to look to forward to.

[Anonymous]

I agree with get out. You probably are resistant to hearing that and maybe not ready so take your time but if you can... get out. Don't waste away from life and drain your soul. You deserve a spouse who cares for you.

[Anonymous]

Never.

[Anonymous]

Never for me too.

Thank god I'm away from all of that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should you?

Why would you trust? Why would you think it's going to be alright. That's foolish.

Adultery, Abuse or Addiction = divorce. Get out now

I think people are too quick to suggest divorce. Nothing is quite so simple, PP.

OP, I am deeply sorry for what you are going through. Although I don't have direct experience with this, I know that two of my friends went through the experience of being cheated on by their husbands. Friend 1 ultimately got divorced, but Friend 2 sort of changed the marriage dynamic for a few years. She had to put up an emotional wall for a while and detached herself from him, worked on her own life. She found that she felt better when she directed her thoughts toward gainful pursuits, because that was the only way to distract herself from the hatred and anger. So she lost weight, read all the books on her Amazon wish list, engaged more with her friends, and got a new job. Her husband is now afraid to lose her and kisses her ass, and she keeps the power dynamic that way. I don't think she loves him, but I think she does enjoy being treated so respectfully and she gains from keeping her marriage intact (financial stability, the kids have one home, still has a partner to help her with things even if there is no emotional or sexual connection.)

She doesn't sleep with him at all?

[Anonymous]

It depends- were you blindsided by the cheating or did you see it coming? Does it make sense to you? Not that it's okay, but does it make sense when pieced together? From what I've seen and experienced the hardest betrayal to get over is the one you didn't see coming and didn't suspect at all. I don't know how you get past that, or if you should. If there was a clear issue and elephant in the room and he just handled his anger and emotions differently than you would have, that's at least something to work with.

[Anonymous]

Good to see the "divorce him" trolls come out swinging. OP, misery loves company. They want you in their misery camp.

It varies. How long was the affair? ONS can be forgiven. Long affairs with confessions of love are harder to work through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should you?

Why would you trust? Why would you think it's going to be alright. That's foolish.

Adultery, Abuse or Addiction = divorce. Get out now

I think people are too quick to suggest divorce. Nothing is quite so simple, PP.

OP, I am deeply sorry for what you are going through. Although I don't have direct experience with this, I know that two of my friends went through the experience of being cheated on by their husbands. Friend 1 ultimately got divorced, but Friend 2 sort of changed the marriage dynamic for a few years. She had to put up an emotional wall for a while and detached herself from him, worked on her own life. She found that she felt better when she directed her thoughts toward gainful pursuits, because that was the only way to distract herself from the hatred and anger. So she lost weight, read all the books on her Amazon wish list, engaged more with her friends, and got a new job. Her husband is now afraid to lose her and kisses her ass, and she keeps the power dynamic that way. I don't think she loves him, but I think she does enjoy being treated so respectfully and she gains from keeping her marriage intact (financial stability, the kids have one home, still has a partner to help her with things even if there is no emotional or sexual connection.)

She doesn't sleep with him at all?

Np. How can you sleep with someone you feel hate and disgust towards? You can desire him but it wont be as passionate ever. Passion comes thru deep emotions and makes you willing to do anything he wants in bed. Guys basically divorce or break up the minute their eyes and dong wander to another woman.

[Anonymous]

Never trusted him again. Moved past it the first time but found out while I was pregnant with #2 that his remorse was a big lie. Took me another two years to end it for good ( while I finished grad school). Slept with him rarely the second to last year because it was hard to avoid altogether, but it felt so rape-y to me that I cut him off sexually completely for the last year.

Really, cheating is irreparable. Your only choice is if there is some new version of normal you can build and live with. You'll never get back to the trust that you had ( for him or anyone).

[Anonymous]

Emotional affair, might be different than the type of affair you are dealing with, but still an affair. 7 months out, I can honestly say that trust has been restored a pretty big amount. I think more time will further close the gap.