How long before you trusted your spouse again - if you did?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three months out and I veer between disgust and hatred. Not sure I'll ever trust my husband again.

If you were cheated on, did you trust again? How long did it take? And on a side note: how long before you had sex?

It's been 13 years since I found out and I can honestly say occasionally I still have trust issues (although he claims to have been faithful the past 13 year). We had sex right away after I found out. It was like it totally re-energized our sex life (of course I think for some people it has something to do with reclaiming what was yours). I know it's not that way for some and can honestly say if I happened to me now, I'd probably say bye bye. I'm in a different place (not as vulnerable) than I was then.

[Anonymous]

I could never forget and I'm not about to forgive.

I watched a friend and my sister suffer in silence. Two beautiful fun women turn into a Hillary.

Don't stay.

[Anonymous]

Great question. I'm in the process of trying to regain trust. He lied about the affair and said it was emotional. Then he finally admitted sleeping with her when I came across proof. Lies lies and more lies. However we've turned our marriage around and I love him. He seems genuinely sorry. But I still can't get over the lying and ability to lie.

[Anonymous]

That was a depressing post.

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew. Almost one year out from the initial disclosure, and a few months from the confession that he'd been back in touch with the OW, at which point I kicked him out and we continue to live separately though are working towards living together again. There are good things in our relationship and this collection of really bad things.

There are moments when I trust. There are moments when I wonder when I'm going to find out this is all an elaborate deception, too. I expect the best case scenario is the proportion of trusting moments goes up over time, but they will never be 100% of it. That baseline assumption has been destroyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends- were you blindsided by the cheating or did you see it coming? Does it make sense to you? Not that it's okay, but does it make sense when pieced together? From what I've seen and experienced the hardest betrayal to get over is the one you didn't see coming and didn't suspect at all. I don't know how you get past that, or if you should. If there was a clear issue and elephant in the room and he just handled his anger and emotions differently than you would have, that's at least something to work with.

Absolutely did not expect it. Marriage was worse while he was cheating, he was a major asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good to see the "divorce him" trolls come out swinging. OP, misery loves company. They want you in their misery camp.

It varies. How long was the affair? ONS can be forgiven. Long affairs with confessions of love are harder to work through.

As far as I know it was three months, and not an affair. He had a Tinder account and sexted with several women. He met up with one, once - that's what he tells me but of course I'm sure there's a lot I don't know.

[Anonymous]

It varies by case, I'd think. A one-night thing, confessed, I could get over, with time and his consistent good behavior.

Cheating that's ongoing, with lies piling up, millions of lies over time--that's a NEVER. You never trust that person again. And that's what I'm dealing with. Plus I was blindsided. He's so good at lying, I will never believe a word he says again. It's been a couple of years, and I'm still here because I'm both broke and broken, and I can't manage on my own. I also don't trust him with the kids. I'm focusing on slowly pulling myself together. Meanwhile, he says he's being transparent and trustworthy and values me now. He certainly acts different. Everything he says, I just nod, but inside I have no idea if this is another set of lies. I feel like I'm living out a prison sentence. But while I'm here, I'll keep plugging away in the prison library.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good to see the "divorce him" trolls come out swinging. OP, misery loves company. They want you in their misery camp.

It varies. How long was the affair? ONS can be forgiven. Long affairs with confessions of love are harder to work through.

Uh, NO, most people can not ever recover from cheating. It's the greatest betrayal

But thanks, stay-with-your-cheating-husband-and-be-miserable troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good to see the "divorce him" trolls come out swinging. OP, misery loves company. They want you in their misery camp.

It varies. How long was the affair? ONS can be forgiven. Long affairs with confessions of love are harder to work through.

Misery sounds like existing in a broken marriage with one spouse who is a liar and a cheat and another spouse who can never trust anything the lying spouse says again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Eight months of marriage counseling and protestations of love and wanting to work on marriage after the initial discovery. All lies!
Now divorced and exDW is with her girlfriend.
You might be a saint and he might be reformed but the odds are against both.

so your ex DW turned out to be gay? bi? if this is her true self then of course no counseling in the world would help. you are on the wrong team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good to see the "divorce him" trolls come out swinging. OP, misery loves company. They want you in their misery camp.

It varies. How long was the affair? ONS can be forgiven. Long affairs with confessions of love are harder to work through.

Uh, NO, most people can not ever recover from cheating. It's the greatest betrayal

But thanks, stay-with-your-cheating-husband-and-be-miserable troll.

Stay, don't stay, it affects me none.

I look at it this way: Most men cheat at some point, between 50-75% do it (and women cheat often). So you can jump from relationship to relationship if/when you discover your spouse screwed up. Or you can look at the cheating, accept humans are flawed and see if the good parts of the marriage outweigh the bad.

Because if you have kids, you aren't choosing a good divorce vs. a bad marriage. You are choosing the least worst options. Considering OP's husband didn't actually cheat but clearly acted inappropriately, it would be worth looking at the totality of the marriage before tossing it for the next unknown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affair, might be different than the type of affair you are dealing with, but still an affair. 7 months out, I can honestly say that trust has been restored a pretty big amount. I think more time will further close the gap.

How did you find out? And was it your wife or husband that was in the emotional affair? How long was the affair? Sure there wasn't anything physical or would that have been a dealbreaker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affair, might be different than the type of affair you are dealing with, but still an affair. 7 months out, I can honestly say that trust has been restored a pretty big amount. I think more time will further close the gap.

How did you find out? And was it your wife or husband that was in the emotional affair? How long was the affair? Sure there wasn't anything physical or would that have been a dealbreaker?

Wife had an emotional affair. I found texts. I know there was nothing physical so it's hard to say how that would have affected things either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affair, might be different than the type of affair you are dealing with, but still an affair. 7 months out, I can honestly say that trust has been restored a pretty big amount. I think more time will further close the gap.

How did you find out? And was it your wife or husband that was in the emotional affair? How long was the affair? Sure there wasn't anything physical or would that have been a dealbreaker?

Wife had an emotional affair. I found texts. I know there was nothing physical so it's hard to say how that would have affected things either way.

Sexual or more lovey texts? Did she have difficulty dropping this guy?