How long before you trusted your spouse again - if you did?

[Anonymous]

The first time? About 4 months to truly move on and not have it enter my mind uninvited. The second time? About 6 months. The third? Never. Divorce pending. And those 3 times were just the tip of the iceberg, I am sure. Knowing what I know now? I would go with never right from the start. The person who gave himself permission to disregard your feelings, your vows, your health in order to have some strange? Even if that person never, ever cheats again ... he is a person who does not hold you dear. Sort of like untreated alcoholics who stop drinking are still alcoholics underneath ... you spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it usually does.

I know we all like to think that human emotions are mushy, nuanced and never black and white. But cheating on your spouse requires lots of planning, doing, and then covering up. Just one act of betrayal involves MANY lies ... and each lie is a hurtful action in itself. There really isn't any grey area when it comes to cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first time? About 4 months to truly move on and not have it enter my mind uninvited. The second time? About 6 months. The third? Never. Divorce pending. And those 3 times were just the tip of the iceberg, I am sure. Knowing what I know now? I would go with never right from the start. The person who gave himself permission to disregard your feelings, your vows, your health in order to have some strange? Even if that person never, ever cheats again ... he is a person who does not hold you dear. Sort of like untreated alcoholics who stop drinking are still alcoholics underneath ... you spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it usually does.

I know we all like to think that human emotions are mushy, nuanced and never black and white. But cheating on your spouse requires lots of planning, doing, and then covering up. Just one act of betrayal involves MANY lies ... and each lie is a hurtful action in itself. There really isn't any grey area when it comes to cheating.

4 months is all?? Was it a ONS? or a LTA? 4 months???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affair, might be different than the type of affair you are dealing with, but still an affair. 7 months out, I can honestly say that trust has been restored a pretty big amount. I think more time will further close the gap.

How did you find out? And was it your wife or husband that was in the emotional affair? How long was the affair? Sure there wasn't anything physical or would that have been a dealbreaker?

Wife had an emotional affair. I found texts. I know there was nothing physical so it's hard to say how that would have affected things either way.

Sexual or more lovey texts? Did she have difficulty dropping this guy?

Sexual, but they had had a long-term friendship. She has been open and transparent with me, and has put the work in along with me in order to move forward. She did not have trouble dropping him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first time? About 4 months to truly move on and not have it enter my mind uninvited. The second time? About 6 months. The third? Never. Divorce pending. And those 3 times were just the tip of the iceberg, I am sure. Knowing what I know now? I would go with never right from the start. The person who gave himself permission to disregard your feelings, your vows, your health in order to have some strange? Even if that person never, ever cheats again ... he is a person who does not hold you dear. Sort of like untreated alcoholics who stop drinking are still alcoholics underneath ... you spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it usually does.

I know we all like to think that human emotions are mushy, nuanced and never black and white. But cheating on your spouse requires lots of planning, doing, and then covering up. Just one act of betrayal involves MANY lies ... and each lie is a hurtful action in itself. There really isn't any grey area when it comes to cheating.

4 months is all?? Was it a ONS? or a LTA? 4 months???

I was young and in love. We had been married 10 years and he baffled me with all kinds of bullshit explanations, none of which included an honest confession. It all made it easy to believe that which I desperately wanted to believe. The second time was ten years later, which again meant all kinds of sunk costs from which I didn't want to walk away from plus now a child. Number three came at year 28 ... yes, I was a damn fool. Which is why I tend to encourage folks to be more honest with themselves than I was. It is a shame to waste your whole life on a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first time? About 4 months to truly move on and not have it enter my mind uninvited. The second time? About 6 months. The third? Never. Divorce pending. And those 3 times were just the tip of the iceberg, I am sure. Knowing what I know now? I would go with never right from the start. The person who gave himself permission to disregard your feelings, your vows, your health in order to have some strange? Even if that person never, ever cheats again ... he is a person who does not hold you dear. Sort of like untreated alcoholics who stop drinking are still alcoholics underneath ... you spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it usually does.

I know we all like to think that human emotions are mushy, nuanced and never black and white. But cheating on your spouse requires lots of planning, doing, and then covering up. Just one act of betrayal involves MANY lies ... and each lie is a hurtful action in itself. There really isn't any grey area when it comes to cheating.

A ONS on a business trip, when the other party has protection, actually doesn't take any planning and minimal covering up(i.e. How was your trip? Fine).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first time? About 4 months to truly move on and not have it enter my mind uninvited. The second time? About 6 months. The third? Never. Divorce pending. And those 3 times were just the tip of the iceberg, I am sure. Knowing what I know now? I would go with never right from the start. The person who gave himself permission to disregard your feelings, your vows, your health in order to have some strange? Even if that person never, ever cheats again ... he is a person who does not hold you dear. Sort of like untreated alcoholics who stop drinking are still alcoholics underneath ... you spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it usually does.

I know we all like to think that human emotions are mushy, nuanced and never black and white. But cheating on your spouse requires lots of planning, doing, and then covering up. Just one act of betrayal involves MANY lies ... and each lie is a hurtful action in itself. There really isn't any grey area when it comes to cheating.

A ONS on a business trip, when the other party has protection, actually doesn't take any planning and minimal covering up(i.e. How was your trip? Fine).

Does the fact that it was "easy" make it less of a betrayal? Are you so unimportant to your spouse that s/he would feel comfortable with that scenario and would sleep like a baby at night? "It was only sex" was a loophole included in your marriage vows?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first time? About 4 months to truly move on and not have it enter my mind uninvited. The second time? About 6 months. The third? Never. Divorce pending. And those 3 times were just the tip of the iceberg, I am sure. Knowing what I know now? I would go with never right from the start. The person who gave himself permission to disregard your feelings, your vows, your health in order to have some strange? Even if that person never, ever cheats again ... he is a person who does not hold you dear. Sort of like untreated alcoholics who stop drinking are still alcoholics underneath ... you spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it usually does.

I know we all like to think that human emotions are mushy, nuanced and never black and white. But cheating on your spouse requires lots of planning, doing, and then covering up. Just one act of betrayal involves MANY lies ... and each lie is a hurtful action in itself. There really isn't any grey area when it comes to cheating.

A ONS on a business trip, when the other party has protection, actually doesn't take any planning and minimal covering up(i.e. How was your trip? Fine).

Does the fact that it was "easy" make it less of a betrayal? Are you so unimportant to your spouse that s/he would feel comfortable with that scenario and would sleep like a baby at night? "It was only sex" was a loophole included in your marriage vows?

The point isn't that it's not a betrayal, it's that every act of betrayal doesn't involve MANY lies. Situations are nuanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affair, might be different than the type of affair you are dealing with, but still an affair. 7 months out, I can honestly say that trust has been restored a pretty big amount. I think more time will further close the gap.

How did you find out? And was it your wife or husband that was in the emotional affair? How long was the affair? Sure there wasn't anything physical or would that have been a dealbreaker?

Wife had an emotional affair. I found texts. I know there was nothing physical so it's hard to say how that would have affected things either way.

Sexual or more lovey texts? Did she have difficulty dropping this guy?

Sexual, but they had had a long-term friendship. She has been open and transparent with me, and has put the work in along with me in order to move forward. She did not have trouble dropping him.

Reading those sexual texts between your wife and her friend must have been tough. How did you manage to get those out of your head long enough to reconcile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first time? About 4 months to truly move on and not have it enter my mind uninvited. The second time? About 6 months. The third? Never. Divorce pending. And those 3 times were just the tip of the iceberg, I am sure. Knowing what I know now? I would go with never right from the start. The person who gave himself permission to disregard your feelings, your vows, your health in order to have some strange? Even if that person never, ever cheats again ... he is a person who does not hold you dear. Sort of like untreated alcoholics who stop drinking are still alcoholics underneath ... you spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it usually does.

I know we all like to think that human emotions are mushy, nuanced and never black and white. But cheating on your spouse requires lots of planning, doing, and then covering up. Just one act of betrayal involves MANY lies ... and each lie is a hurtful action in itself. There really isn't any grey area when it comes to cheating.

Was it 3 times with the same woman?