Husband being stressed out, stressing me out, everything getting worse

[Anonymous]

I've got a big surgery planned for next week with a long recovery. The timing is a little sudden, and it's all stressful and scary. My husband is not handing it well. He's understandably worried about how he'll handle the kids and work, etc. His mother will help for a couple weeks, but her being here might make things worse. He's been so angry and moody. I made a comment this morning that the next pair of shoes for the kids has to be easier for them to get into because they are always asking for help and act as if they can't get them on themselves (they're lazy about this, also). We were running late and they were sitting around waiting for him to put their shoes on. 8 and 6. He blew up, yelled at me in front of the kids -- we aren't even yellers, let alone in front of the kids! I assumed he must have misunderstood me and told him he was on the wrong side (surely he's not advocating purchasing shoes they can't get on!) I kept asking him: what did you think I said. He just accused me several times of having a nasty attitude because of the look on my face (I probably had an odd lock because I was trying desperately -and succeeding - not to yell) and we're basically not speaking. Over what, I don't know and I don't have the inclination to smooth things over because I just want to worry about my to-do list and my own anxiety. At this point I wish I didn't have to depend on him after to take care of me. I feel like he's thinking what a huge burden all this is on him. All he has to do is what I do every day - get kids to school, go to work, pick them up, dinner, homework, baths, laundry, dinner. I do all of this now (he's much more hands-on through the weekend) due to his long commute. However, he'll be working from home, so no commute. Part of me wants to tell him to stop being such a damn baby. He never recognizes how much I do during the week, it's all about how awful his commute is. No, he has not looked for another job and he's marketable. Thanks for the vent.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I was recently in a similar situation. My husband was acting all crazy and weird, until he blew up one night and we had a huge fight, then I went to bed and had a thyroid storm which sent me straight to the hospital in an ambulance. The underlying thyroid issue was not his fault, but the stress of the fight was the reason it was triggered that night. I had an arduous recovery and am now suffering from stress-induced orofacial pain, which is costing me sleepless nights and expensive specialists.

I have no sympathy for your husband, just as I have no sympathy for mine. They should both be able to pick up the slack and cut corners if necessary. They're adults and should know not to worry someone about to have surgery (for you), and not to act crazy (for me). It's pretty awful on his part to do this to you.

However, put it away in the back of your mind for now, because you need to focus exclusively on yourself! Psychological health matters a lot and will impact your surgery and ability to recover. Perhaps you can confide in a friend? I wasn't going to, but my son told his best friend about our fight (he had overheard everything) and the best friend's mother, also my good friend, was very kind and supportive.

Is it possible to have a back-up system for your care or your children's care? Can your parents share the childcare with your MIL? Can they relay each other? Can you line up good friends to visit you in the hospital and at home with meals or just friendly visits? I was pretty depressed at one point, but some of my friends popped in just to talk a little bit and it really cheered me up. My parents came to cook and clean and take care of the kids, bless them!

Please try to relax as much as you can. Let go of anything that's not related to your well-being. You can also talk to your doctors about your level of stress.

[Anonymous]

The pp has really good advice.

Don't keep his nastiness secret, it doesn't have to be your burden to carry. Tell a friend and your doctor.

His lashing out sounds cruel especially when you are in need of support.

[Anonymous]

Men, by nature are not very good caregivers.
They much prefer to be the ones being cared for.

That being said, understandably both of you are under an enormous amount of stress since the dynamics of your family will be changing for awhile.

I think you both need a direct conversation soon about this new dynamic.

I suggest you discuss impending concerns, expectations & any questions.
If possible, I also advise you to create a list for him so no misunderstandings occur.
You need a solid plan/approach going forward.

If need be, + if you can afford to do so, hiring an extra set of hands to delegate some of the duties could ease any existing challenges.

Good luck to you both!

[Anonymous]

He might be feeling anxious about you as you face surgery, but it's coming out as frustration rather than sympathy. It's hard. I would just try to find a time when you don't have other stuff going on, and say-"I feel like we have been really stressed and short with each other. I really appreciate that you are taking on extra stuff while I have my surgery. Can we try to reset and let go of some of the negative feelings."

And when things are a little calmer, it may be time to set the expectations for your kids higher and get them to step up-6 and 8 year old should be able to do that (barring special needs or gladiator sandals).

[Anonymous]

sit down with husband and come to jesus talk: Look, I am just as scared and anxious as you about this surgery--hell, its my body and my recovery. I know you are anxious too, but we need to be a team, with each other and for the kids. I need to know that I can count on you, just as you can count on me.

sit down with the kids and husband: mommy is going to have surgery and needs to rest when she is back. all of us are gonig to work together to help here and help each other out. THat means that you guys need to be more independent in terms of getting dressed, helping with meals and helping mommy with what she needs. She is going to be okay and your help will be so important. Involve them.

now: what I truly think? Your husband needs to stop being a baby and deal. They're his kids too, you're his wife, this is part of life and marriage. If he can't handle a 6 and 8 year old WHILE WOKRING FROM HOME WITH FAMILY HELP then I pity him--and you.

[Anonymous]

I do all the work with the kids, house, etc. in our relationship. If I had a surgery like this, I would have no sympathy for my frustrated DH. However, if DH was having the surgery and I had to pick up more slack, I would really want and need that sympathy.

I am sorry you are going through all of this.

My husband's schedule has recently flipped all over the place, and while I stay at home most of the time, I have gotten more responsibility dumped on me. Every layer we've gone through makes it harder and harder for me to work or have any break. He might be having a tough time on it, but he rarely stops to say thank you for everything I'm doing and how this has all messed my life up. It took me a long time to find a great rhythm with activities, working out, alone time, hobbies, etc. And now I have had to stop doing almost everything I was able to do, because he's basically gone 24/7.

It's hard to approach things as a team when it feels like one person is taking on everything else.

I think you should splurge and get your husband some hired help, such as a mother's helper or a babysitter, so that doing all the kid stuff isn't so hard. Just do it and don't worry about whether or not you can afford it. You all need to be able to get through this in one piece. Someone who can come and help get them dressed in the morning. Or someone who can do the afterschool/homework/dinner stuff. That is what has been keeping me sane. My husband didn't want to spend the money, but I did it anyway, because I needed it. I couldn't shoulder everything without some more help.

I get that MIL is coming, but that's not the same thing. She's good for a lot of help, but he's still going to need more.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I think that later, you should sit down with your husband and talk about what happened this morning. Don't try to re-explain yourself, but tell him something along the lines of, "I understand that you are anxious about surgery and recovery. I understand that this adds a lot of work to your plate. That is all understandable. But I'M the one who is having surgery. I need you to be kind and mindful of stressing me out more. Yelling at me is not acceptable. Yelling at me in front of the kids is extra unacceptable. I need to be able to rely on you."

Save the conversation about how much you do vs. how much he does for another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He might be feeling anxious about you as you face surgery, but it's coming out as frustration rather than sympathy. It's hard. I would just try to find a time when you don't have other stuff going on, and say-"I feel like we have been really stressed and short with each other. I really appreciate that you are taking on extra stuff while I have my surgery. Can we try to reset and let go of some of the negative feelings."

And when things are a little calmer, it may be time to set the expectations for your kids higher and get them to step up-6 and 8 year old should be able to do that (barring special needs or gladiator sandals).

+1
It is times like this that you should work to bond as a team -- both you and your spouse as well as with the kids . You can divide and conquer, but taking the "everyone for themselves" approach/attitude is not the way to go. I also agree that the kids need to step up as well -- at their own level of course, but including them in the preparations and allowing them to help care for you and/or help daddy will be empowering for them and might make them less stressed or confused about what is going on with you.

Maybe a small gesture would help set a better tone with your DH? Here is what I would do -- I would find a moment when we were alone and ask my DH for a hug... let him know that I am stressed and anxious about the surgery and recovery, and that I am feeling frantic because I just want to help set things up so that it won't be so crushing for everyone when I am not able to help. I would let him know that I am so thankful that he and the kids will be there for me as I go through this -- and that he in particular is stepping up in a big way -- re-arranging his schedule to be home while I recover, arranging for his mom to help, taking over kids duties and helping me recover -- all while continuing to keep his full time job duties. It's a lot, and that even though for certain things might feel crazy these next few weeks, I am certain that we will all make it through because we are together. This kind of thing helps a lot in my relationship.

Anyway, thinking about you and hope that your surgery is successful and that the recovery is smooth... who knows, your husband might gain a new appreciation for all that you do, you might just find your MIL to be amazingly loving and helpful AND your kids might finally learn to tie their shoes fast! Focus on your recovery and ask for what you need.... and let your husband take care of the rest... he may not do things the way you would -- but that is OK... he'll step up in his own way.