Got with and married to dh young, now struggling with missing out
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Anonymous
| Hi everyone, I'm in desperate need of advice from others who have been in my or similar shoes. Dh and I have been together since we were 18 (now late 30s). We have a decent relationship and wonderful kids (still very young), good careers, etc... But we don't have passion. I don't know if I ever felt that kind of passion for him, but I also had a nonexistent sex drive that I did my best to compensate for many years. Well now in my late 30s and off the pill it's like a sexual reawakening, and I feel like a teenage boy sometimes with how I think about sex. But I am struggling to feel this toward dh... I was recently away for work and connected with someone in a way I haven't before. It felt SO hard walking away from that feeling like I might never feel that again. I love my kids but long for a different relationship if I'm being totally honest. And yet, dh would for sure be a great catch for most. He's kind, fit, devoted and loving. But he is very serious, doesn't easily laugh with me, we differ politically, and he is hard to please so I'm often walking on eggshells. Sometimes he is stifling and I just need an escape. Anyhow, I know there isnt a perfect answer here but I am struggling to act normally and just long for that true connection and sexual desire that I never quite had with dh... Has anyone ever had luck bringing that into the marriage? Dh is not open to counseling of any sort, though I would alone. |
Anonymous
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This was me - met DH at 19, married at 21, my only sexual relationship.
Early 30's I started feeling I was really missing something, and lo and behold someone at work began to pursue me. The affair was pretty short, because it helped me realize there wasn't magical mindblowing sex and DH and I were actually pretty damn good at it. Haven't been tempted since. Well, once, but I thought better of it. Of course YMMV. |
Anonymous
| It couldn't hurt for you to get psychotherapy with someone who's also a couples therapist. It's important that the therapist understand couples, because otherwise it can devolve into scapegoating the spouse. This happens more often than you might imagine. |
Anonymous
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I got married young as well, OP.
I think something important is to accept your SO's shortcomings and move on. If he didn't have a good sense of humor when you got married, it's not fair to expect that of him now. He is a person, with his own needs, thoughts, and feelings. He doesn't exist purely for your fulfillment. There is no perfect person out there. |
Anonymous
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I also started dating my husband at 18. We married at 25, and now we are here at 39 with two kids. I love my husband, but we just don't have a lot in common. We met so young and I definitely was passionately into him and we were having sex multiple times a day like seems to happen when you are so young and have relatively few responsibilities. I didn't really think about whether we were suitable for each other, I just knew I loved him and he was incredibly supportive. There was never a reason to break up, and when he asked me to marry him, it just seemed natural. But the whole time, I never really analyzed our situation. I am an extrovert who loves being around people, and I talk a lot (which can be annoying, I know), love traveling to new places, really love food, and value humor above almost everything else. I laugh several times a day and usually have a good, hard to stop laugh at least every other day. I enjoy cracking jokes and making people smile. But I am also a pretty nervous person who worries about things like the kids' health, our retirement funds, etc. My husband is basically my opposite. He is very introverted, has very few friends, loves music and makes music himself, is very serious, doesn't really understand why humor is important, finds no value in the outdoors or travel, really loves in-depth conversations and being alone with our family, is very into making and fixing things, very much enjoys solving very challenging issues, and is really not worried about the future. None of these things really seemed that big of a deal to me when we got together because I was only 18. I am positive he would not be into me if we met today because we are just so different.
He ended up having an affair when my last kid was very young. I think he too probably feels like he missed out. Honestly, from what I know of the OW, she probably is better suited for him. She also is very introverted and is interested in the types of music he enjoys. From what I understand, she also does not like the outdoors or travel. Too bad she had four kids and was married, and he was married too. He told me that he never felt the same towards her as he felt towards me, and it puzzled him due to their similarities. At any rate, we are trying to work on the marriage. I now feel like I missed out, even though I never really felt that way before. But I think that is probably the outcome of his affair. I think the best thing to do is to decide what is more important - chasing after greener pastures and what could have been (which may indeed have been better), or sticking it out with the person you committed to. I do think it's different when you get together so young. I definitely hope my children don't stick with their teenage significant others and have a bunch of relationships so they can learn what works and what doesn't work. That's another thing I missed - really learning good interpersonal skills by being exposed to multiple relationships. |
Anonymous
Op here--he actually used to be a lot more social and had a great sense of humor. Kids were rough for us and he lost a lot of that. He doesn't like most people and complains if I make plans for us with others or even on my own... He has a temper that flares easily. |
Anonymous
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I think this is about having small children, and that a lot of people feel like their spouses aren't a good fit for them during those years. Because it's stressful and not very fun. I think you are assuming it is about having gotten together young, but if you were in a different situation you'd blame it on something else.
I felt the same way, to be honest. I really discounted how stressful the years of having young children were. Once we got past those we were so much happier. |
Anonymous
Wow - did I write this? Prepare for onslaught of haters, OP (though you seem to be in good company so far). Unfortunately, I have no real advice, except to say that you're not alone, and that it absolutely sucks to feel this way. It's exhausting, having to face it every day, the feeling of loss. But you soldier on, trying to find ways to connect, to feel better. And the danger of connecting with someone else, even for a moment ... It's like a kind of emotional heroin, an awakening of something so powerful, so real and authentic, that you can't really imagine living without it ever again. I've thought about counseling, but never seriously entertained it, because at the end of the day, it's about making it work. And that's what I'm already doing. And so that's what my relationship is: work. Sex happens - because it feels good to have sex. My children are beautiful. My life, for the most part, is just fine. #Gratitude. #Blessed. So I'll never feel complete. There are worse things, right? Right? - A DH |
Anonymous
| Try counseling for yourself first, then if you think it's best tell him how you feel and that you want to try marriage counseling. If he's really against it then it sounds like he doesn't care about you or the marriage. |
Anonymous
Op here--thanks, it is a loss and I'm mourning it. And if I chose that I'm sure I'd be mourning the loss of the stability I have now. But man is that a powerful feeling... To think of going through life without that intense desire again just sounds depressing. And of course it could be much much worse. I honestly wish I hadn't experienced that connection as then I wouldn't know what I was missing. And it's not about young kids anymore. They are easier than they used to be, though I recognize that stress doesn't help. But this is about connecting with an adult man in a sexual and emotional way unlike I have before, and probably honestly couldn't before because I was so damn young. |
Anonymous
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I've been with DH since I was 19, and no, I haven't really struggled, apart from PPD when my son was born. Strangely, that depression made me look at other men. Thankfully it didn't last long. PPD is triggered by hormonal changes. In your case it's also hormonal - going off the pill - so that portion is out of your control, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it! It may also be a midlife crisis. Perhaps there are other things you should change in your life - clothes, car, different sports, new hobbies. However you can control your actions and make sure that they are directed toward DH. Now would be a good time to try new things with him, if you know what I mean 
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Anonymous
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Anonymous
| Just what are you saying; that you want to screw around on your marriage? Go ahead and destroy your family and your kids lives just to have some strange sex you missed out on during your collage years. |
Anonymous
| You should have sex with your neighbor. He might be your soulmate. You won't know unless you bump uglies. |
Anonymous
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Put on some sexy night stuff. And tell your husband you want him to f the crap out of you. And mean it.
Get the fire going. Tell him how to take you. Where you need it how you need it. Demand it. That my dear will get things moving again. |