Got with and married to dh young, now struggling with missing out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me - met DH at 19, married at 21, my only sexual relationship.

Early 30's I started feeling I was really missing something, and lo and behold someone at work began to pursue me. The affair was pretty short, because it helped me realize there wasn't magical mindblowing sex and DH and I were actually pretty damn good at it. Haven't been tempted since. Well, once, but I thought better of it.

Of course YMMV.

You should let your husband do the same, so he's sure he's not missing out. She

I offered; he declined.

[Anonymous]

It's not just you, OP. Many long term marrieds want to take a break from marriage. It would be awesome to have passionate sex again, with someone new. Security is good for your health but bad for your libido.

In a perfect world, we would all get a routine sabbatical from our marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just you, OP. Many long term marrieds want to take a break from marriage. It would be awesome to have passionate sex again, with someone new. Security is good for your health but bad for your libido.

In a perfect world, we would all get a routine sabbatical from our marriages.

Op here--seriously! This would truly be the ultimate wish...a break for BOTH of us to explore out and make sure this is still what we chose. Some dh's might even go for that. Not mine. He's as by the book as it gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No real advice for you, OP, but I will give you the perspective of someone who got married later and had sex with a dozen or so women (long term, short term and ONS).

Where you are now is where most married people end up. I don't want to minimize your feelings - it is easier to end up here knowing I have BTDT and have some great memories to reach for. But most married people aren't having great, passionate sex once the kids come. Even those of us like my wife and I who had great passionate sex pre kids.

So you can mourn what is past and it's understandable. But make decisions on what lies ahead. You can leave your decent husband and you might find passion (although its slim pickins in the divorced people dating scene) and eventually you will likely end up sexually bored with the next person while juggling split custody.

This. DW and I had a great sex life before DC came. We have no sex life now. I it just happens that way.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a difference between marrying very young and just typical stages of marriage if you had more experience. If you married young, you are much more likely to not have tried to figure out what you really wanted in a spouse and married purely for love and/or hormones. Thus you just might not be as compatible. If you had more experience, you would be more likely to understand what works in a relationship.

Additionally, and I think this is key, you are less likely to have have gone through that new love phase more than one or two times, so if you experience it later, you might confuse it with someone bring your soulmate or whatever because you haven't gone through that phase several times with different people and seen how it can and usually does morph into the more comfortable, familiar love phase. People who have gone through the thrill of new relationships and wanting to be with the new person all of the time are less apt to think that similar feelings later on are a sign that they married the wrong person and more cognizant of the fact that that intense feeling is not super abnormal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a difference between marrying very young and just typical stages of marriage if you had more experience. If you married young, you are much more likely to not have tried to figure out what you really wanted in a spouse and married purely for love and/or hormones. Thus you just might not be as compatible. If you had more experience, you would be more likely to understand what works in a relationship.

Additionally, and I think this is key, you are less likely to have have gone through that new love phase more than one or two times, so if you experience it later, you might confuse it with someone bring your soulmate or whatever because you haven't gone through that phase several times with different people and seen how it can and usually does morph into the more comfortable, familiar love phase. People who have gone through the thrill of new relationships and wanting to be with the new person all of the time are less apt to think that similar feelings later on are a sign that they married the wrong person and more cognizant of the fact that that intense feeling is not super abnormal.

Op here--this is helpful. Lots of truth in that. The intensity of the connection has an addictive quality as well, and I am trying to recognize that as being a big part of these obsessive feelings. That said, having a dh who you always have to walk on egg shells for or is just bitter overall is not exactly fun either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just you, OP. Many long term marrieds want to take a break from marriage. It would be awesome to have passionate sex again, with someone new. Security is good for your health but bad for your libido.

In a perfect world, we would all get a routine sabbatical from our marriages.

People who say this always think they'll be the one who gets to go out and fuck strangers while their loser spouse stays home and masturbates. Then they get to come back after their "sabbatical" and their spouse has to take them back because they have no other option.

What will happen is they will find someone younger and hotter, and they won't take you back after your "sabbatical" because they discovered that they don't need you after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just you, OP. Many long term marrieds want to take a break from marriage. It would be awesome to have passionate sex again, with someone new. Security is good for your health but bad for your libido.

In a perfect world, we would all get a routine sabbatical from our marriages.

People who say this always think they'll be the one who gets to go out and fuck strangers while their loser spouse stays home and masturbates. Then they get to come back after their "sabbatical" and their spouse has to take them back because they have no other option.

What will happen is they will find someone younger and hotter, and they won't take you back after your "sabbatical" because they discovered that they don't need you after all.

Wow, you have a lot of anger. Perhaps it's justified, I don't know your situation.

My wife and I have talked about the sabbatical. The last thing either of us would want is the other home and miserable or alone. We can love each other, and have each other's back and still admit it would be really hot to have sex with someone else. It's not always personal. We haven't done it because we recognize it's playing with fire. Neither one of us would have trouble finding other partners, although I obviously recognize that its far easier for women to have NSA than men (although it sort of balances out because men aren't as picky about who they sleep with).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just you, OP. Many long term marrieds want to take a break from marriage. It would be awesome to have passionate sex again, with someone new. Security is good for your health but bad for your libido.

In a perfect world, we would all get a routine sabbatical from our marriages.

People who say this always think they'll be the one who gets to go out and fuck strangers while their loser spouse stays home and masturbates. Then they get to come back after their "sabbatical" and their spouse has to take them back because they have no other option.

What will happen is they will find someone younger and hotter, and they won't take you back after your "sabbatical" because they discovered that they don't need you after all.

Wow, you have a lot of anger. Perhaps it's justified, I don't know your situation.

My wife and I have talked about the sabbatical. The last thing either of us would want is the other home and miserable or alone. We can love each other, and have each other's back and still admit it would be really hot to have sex with someone else. It's not always personal. We haven't done it because we recognize it's playing with fire. Neither one of us would have trouble finding other partners, although I obviously recognize that its far easier for women to have NSA than men (although it sort of balances out because men aren't as picky about who they sleep with).

Nothing angry about it. Just matter of fact. A "sabbatical" is always one person's idea. That is the person who thinks they are more attractive than their partner. Often enough their perception of their market value (and of the low market value of their partner) turns out not to be justified by reality.

But no doubt it would be different for you because reasons.

[Anonymous]

Good sex is hard to find. Then new guy will be bad at it most likely. You are better off doing it yourself- use your head and hand, and go on with your life.

[Anonymous]

"Missing out" is ridiculous. Many single late 30s ladies would gladly trade you and your stable, undramatic relationship.

You are going through a mid-life crisis. Grow up. The grass is greener on the other side.

[Anonymous]

^isn't greener

[Anonymous]

Married late both times (35 and 45). Sowed plenty of wild oats before and in between. Married now for 6 yrs to a wonderful woman, but I can tell you that getting married later in life doesn't solve the "grass could be greener" problem.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, you could pretty much BE me. Here is something I posted a few months ago.

It's hard to know if and when we've made the right choices in life, but I'm still here. Still wondering if I did.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/565182.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good sex is hard to find. Then new guy will be bad at it most likely. You are better off doing it yourself- use your head and hand, and go on with your life.

This. Men who are truely great at sex have natural talent and have trained to that talent. It's like when you see a singer on American Idol who is young but knocks it out of the park or when you see Usain Bolt running a sprint. These are truely gifted people who have recognized their talent and consciously put effort towards being the best.

In 10 years of dating guys you may only encounter 2-3 of them. When you do, while very exciting, they most often have some defect that makes them not good relationship material.

Why risk a relationship with a man who you know is a great partner and your family life for the chance of meeting one of these guys who you'll most likely only date for a few months?