DW is too invested in DD making the cheerleading squad

[Anonymous]

DD is in 6th grade and is interested in trying out to be a cheerleader. DW has really taken that interest and run with it -- camps all summer, private lessons, etc. Now that tryouts are come up she's basically talking about it non-stop, e-mailing the coach for more details about tryouts, etc. etc. etc. etc. She's actually quote good and looks the part of the stereotypical cheerleader, so I suppose she'll have a decent chance of making the squad.

DD is also on a travel sports team. I've expressed my preference that I would prefer to see her performing on the athletic field herself instead of cheering for boys performing on the athletic team. This is just how I was raised and what I believe in, and while I recognize that cheering itself is very athletic, I don't think the middle school version of it is much more than a popularity contest. My other child -- who is not at all the cheerleader type and probably will be more of a non-comformist type in high school -- confirms my own experience, that the cheerleaders tend to be the "mean girls" in the school with a penchant for mocking others. And I'm wary of my child falling into the crowd.

DW, however, is incapable of even having a rational conversation about the possibility that the culture itself will be negative. And it seems far more important to her than DD that DD makes the team. I cannot figure out what's the driving force here -- DW was not a cheerleader in school -- but it feels almost like she's trying to secure social status for our daughter or something. Like she wants to live vicariously or something. It's odd.

I don't know what I'm getting at. I've made my views on this known once, but I also will support my child in whatever she wants to do. I guess we'll see how it plays out. I'm just really stunned at seeing a side of my wife I've never seen before and it's making me uneasy.

Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I think you and DW need to step, way, WAY back. DD needs to decide what she wants to do. Keep in mind that this is only 6th grade, so whatever she decides, she's not neccessarily "locked in" to that.
I hear, you OP. Cheer wouldn't be my preference, either, but DD should have a chance to try things she enjoys. If you back off, you can reaonably ask DW to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Get back to us when she hires a hit man.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like both of you are living through your daughter...you are just as much with your prefered sport as mom is with her prefered sport.

Since most schools don't have 6th grade cheerleading, is it safe to assume that this is competitive cheerleading through a cheer gym?

If so, you are very poorly informed on several fronts:

1) Competitive cheerleading is one of the most athletic sports available to girls. It requires as much if not more stamina and athleticism as competitive level soccer. Those cheerleaders are tough and the programs are challenging and rigorous. Your daughter will need to be much more than a pretty face to do competitive cheer. She will also need to be an athlete.

2) Competitive cheerleaders are NOT "performing for the boys". Period. They are performing for judges and competing against other teams. They are performing for their parents in the stands. And they are performing for themselves.

3) Competitive cheerleading is not a "popularity contest." It is simply not. The skill level required for the more advanced squads requires athleticism, not popularity. The high school squads are the same way.

4) If you raise a mean girl you will get a mean girl, whether she does cheer, soccer, swim, dance, lacrosse or theater. If you raise your daughter to be kind and compassionate, cheer will not turn her into some nightmare girl. At my high school, the jock girls were the biggest bullies to other girls. The cheerleaders were very nice and smart too.

If your daughter is interested in cheer, let her try it. Even if this means dropping soccer. You will probably be surprised at how much you actually enjoy being a cheer parent.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your wife was not popular and was picked on and she thinks being a cheerleader will inoculate your DD against being teased?

I think your best approach would be to work on your daughter. I've talked with my DD a lot about how some people are popular and use their power for evil, and some use it for good. And how good she can make people feel by including them, or telling other kids who are mean to knock it off or otherwise getting them to stop picking on someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like both of you are living through your daughter...you are just as much with your prefered sport as mom is with her prefered sport.

Since most schools don't have 6th grade cheerleading, is it safe to assume that this is competitive cheerleading through a cheer gym?

No, it's middle school.

I have less concerns about the cheer teams you describe that are run through gyms. It's the school dynamic that concerns me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like both of you are living through your daughter...you are just as much with your prefered sport as mom is with her prefered sport.

Since most schools don't have 6th grade cheerleading, is it safe to assume that this is competitive cheerleading through a cheer gym?

If so, you are very poorly informed on several fronts:

1) Competitive cheerleading is one of the most athletic sports available to girls. It requires as much if not more stamina and athleticism as competitive level soccer. Those cheerleaders are tough and the programs are challenging and rigorous. Your daughter will need to be much more than a pretty face to do competitive cheer. She will also need to be an athlete.

2) Competitive cheerleaders are NOT "performing for the boys". Period. They are performing for judges and competing against other teams. They are performing for their parents in the stands. And they are performing for themselves.

3) Competitive cheerleading is not a "popularity contest." It is simply not. The skill level required for the more advanced squads requires athleticism, not popularity. The high school squads are the same way.

4) If you raise a mean girl you will get a mean girl, whether she does cheer, soccer, swim, dance, lacrosse or theater. If you raise your daughter to be kind and compassionate, cheer will not turn her into some nightmare girl. At my high school, the jock girls were the biggest bullies to other girls. The cheerleaders were very nice and smart too.

If your daughter is interested in cheer, let her try it. Even if this means dropping soccer. You will probably be surprised at how much you actually enjoy being a cheer parent.

And I sas not a cheerleader. I was a theater geek. The mean girls will find each other no matter what the activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2) Competitive cheerleaders are NOT "performing for the boys". Period. They are performing for judges and competing against other teams. They are performing for their parents in the stands. And they are performing for themselves.

This was my understanding too. My guess is that in culture, competitive cheerleading is more like competitive dance.

[Anonymous]

I would drop your objection to the cheer and let your DD try it. But, I would suggest you talk to your wife about her level of engagement. Just an easy opening of "you seem really worked up about this cheer thing, is there something driving that other than my initial objection."

I then suggest you pick up a great book titled How To Raise An Adult (https://www.amazon.com/How-Raise-Adult-Overparenting-Prepare/dp/1627791779). The title is a bit more "preachy" than the book is. It is written by a former Dean at Stanford and has great content that will help any parent see the very good reasons that we need to step back from our kids' decision-making as they reach MS and HS and stop engineering their lives for them. Your can read it and then pass to your wife as it sounds like she is struggling with the transition. MS is stressful for girls and mom's alike. Be a little patient as they make the adjustment, but get the book and open a discourse with DW.

[Anonymous]

You need to clarify what "team" does she want to make? Are you talking high school cheer leading? Or and All Star Cheer leading team at a club that competes during their season? Two different things. If your wife is grooming your DD for High School, in 6th grade then it is obvious that she doesn't have a clue about cheer leading apart from High school. as for All Star clubs, all kids make some team, and by now your DD should have been on a team as try outs are in May and competition will be starting soon. You say travel sport's team, which sport is she now participating if it is not All Star Cheer leading? You both sound messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like both of you are living through your daughter...you are just as much with your prefered sport as mom is with her prefered sport.

Since most schools don't have 6th grade cheerleading, is it safe to assume that this is competitive cheerleading through a cheer gym?

If so, you are very poorly informed on several fronts:

1) Competitive cheerleading is one of the most athletic sports available to girls. It requires as much if not more stamina and athleticism as competitive level soccer. Those cheerleaders are tough and the programs are challenging and rigorous. Your daughter will need to be much more than a pretty face to do competitive cheer. She will also need to be an athlete.

2) Competitive cheerleaders are NOT "performing for the boys". Period. They are performing for judges and competing against other teams. They are performing for their parents in the stands. And they are performing for themselves.

3) Competitive cheerleading is not a "popularity contest." It is simply not. The skill level required for the more advanced squads requires athleticism, not popularity. The high school squads are the same way.

4) If you raise a mean girl you will get a mean girl, whether she does cheer, soccer, swim, dance, lacrosse or theater. If you raise your daughter to be kind and compassionate, cheer will not turn her into some nightmare girl. At my high school, the jock girls were the biggest bullies to other girls. The cheerleaders were very nice and smart too.

If your daughter is interested in cheer, let her try it. Even if this means dropping soccer. You will probably be surprised at how much you actually enjoy being a cheer parent.

+1

My DD did it in middle school and it was very different than what I expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to clarify what "team" does she want to make? Are you talking high school cheer leading? Or and All Star Cheer leading team at a club that competes during their season? Two different things. If your wife is grooming your DD for High School, in 6th grade then it is obvious that she doesn't have a clue about cheer leading apart from High school. as for All Star clubs, all kids make some team, and by now your DD should have been on a team as try outs are in May and competition will be starting soon. You say travel sport's team, which sport is she now participating if it is not All Star Cheer leading? You both sound messed up.

Same pp as above. Seriously though, some cheer leading moms be it High School or AllStar are seriously scary. I should know, I saw police break up a fight between 2 sets of parents at Gaylord Center during a major competition.

[Anonymous]

You're wrong and ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice above (especially from drama student! rah rah!) You seem pretty invested too, Dad. Both need to step off. And please retire the tired trope that cheerleaders are cheering for boys on the athletic field instead of being athletes themselves. That is only a small part.

Cheerleaders are in it for the teamwork (and what teamwork--absolute trust in stunting), the performance (it's a rush! It helps with nerves, poise, crowds) and the sheer athleticism of what they do. I honestly didn't care a whit which "boy" was on the field or the court or if we won or lost. The "boys" also tuned us out.

Let her try it also encourage her to keep up with field sports if she enjoys that too. It is nice to have options. Especially since at the upper levels (and at advanced gyms) the stunts, the pressure and the MOMS can be insane. My DD is too little, but I would love her to be a cheerleader in the younger years and then transition to other interests before that scary cheer part!
sincerely, Valedictorian Cheerleader

[Anonymous]

I would let your daughter choose what she wants to do. If making the cheerleading team means that her travel sport is no longer an option, this is something she will need to decide.

I would also tell her that she can decide on her own, and not worry about what her mother or you think she should do.

(I agree the cheer mom dynamics sound scary.)