Why do some friends and family consider the end of my marriage such a failure?

[Anonymous]

My marriage is ending after 26 years. DH and I met in our late 20's, fell in love, and like any young couple started with hopes and dreams. Many were reached, others never happened and there were some sad things that occurred along the way. We have great kids and with them now out of the house, came to the conclusion that it is was better if we parted. We had our share of arguments but no abuse and as far as I know, wasn't any cheating. What did occur is through time we realized that we are changing in ways that would make going on together difficult and unfair. He wants to live in another area and is adamant about it. Our views on money and how long we want to work are completely different. Plus there are other things I do not want to go into on this thread in terms of personality.

On some level I will always love him, and we have both cried a few times about this decision. But what rankles me is how some of my friends are reacting in terms of a divorce meaning that we failed. Also, a couple of family members have started in with the"I never really liked him" or "he thought he was better than other people thing", which I think is unnecessary.

We had a good run, lived a lot of life together and had adventure. Why is the end of a long marriage looked at as if someone committed a crime?

[Anonymous]

The only failure in my marriage is the kids psychological issues. I was married for 22 years before my XW had her mid life crisis and left. This happen over 8 years ago and while she remarried I didn't due to a number of reasons. Our kids are great humans and on the surface fine, yet the younger ones have issues with her, but don't want to move again.

As my late mother is fond of saying "It takes two people to make a marriage work and two people to make a marriage fail".

[Anonymous]

Because they assume you "stuck it out for the kids" and were never happy together. They think your entire marriage has been nothing but a sham.

[Anonymous]

Because people don't like when people put their own happiness above the happiness of children no matter how old the children.

But that is not the problem. The problem is your reaction, that you care what others think. Why? Why do you care what others thing or say?

[Anonymous]

I feel if you can make it work for 26 years, you can keep making work. If you have kids, your husband's moving away may really jeopardize his relationship with them. And money? That, I really don't get. It will cost a lot to divorce, and it's more expensive to live separate lives than together. Unless you are wealthy, that's going to be a hit to your retirement.

I'd assume someone is having a mid life crisis or is gay.

[Anonymous]

So just tell your friends and family that you don't want to hear any badmouthing or negative talk. You're going your separate ways, keep it amicable, keep it positive. YOU set the tone. That's what I did, and that shut everyone down.

[Anonymous]

Glennon Melton, a local woman who wrote a blog and a few books (one just became an Oprah book club selection), is currently getting a divorce. This is news because her recently published book is about troubles she and her husband had 4-5 years ago and how she stayed w/him...now that she is starting her book tour re: the book about how she stayed, she is leaving.

Anyway, she claims that they are still in love, still life partners, still a family, but have grown into new people who don't "work" in a marriage together anymore.

I don't get it, but at least you aren't alone. And I applaud you for doing what makes you and your husband happy vs what society thinks you "should" do.

[Anonymous]

Because realistically, you are looking at living and dying alone. Both of you will take a significant financial hit, and so will your children eventually. Not to say it's the end of the world, but it is a failure in a sense that your and DH's potential to spend your older years together will not be realized. It is sad, otherwise you wouldn't cry about it.

[Anonymous]

Because the marriage failed. The vows you took, you failed to follow through. It's a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Mostly it's fear that this will happen to them. Or denial that it *is* happening to them.

[Anonymous]

Because in our society, the end of marriage is a sad occurrence.

OP, you were brave enough to accept this for yourself, so now you have to be brave enough to take the social consequences - I hope you knew this was going to happen. It's part of the deal.

[Anonymous]

By the most basic definition it is a failure. Your vows were forever, 26 years are not forever. That being said, doing what is best for yourself may or may not be a failure depending on the fall out and only time will tell for that.

[ThatBetch]

Anonymous wrote:Mostly it's fear that this will happen to them. Or denial that it *is* happening to them.

Exactly. There's a name for it, this tendency to blame those going through difficult circumstances as a means of psychologically distancing ourselves from the possibility of that being our reality too someday, but I can't remember it and my google fu is weak.

The "I never liked him anyway" stuff, while hamfisted, is probably a show of support. It's still toxic, and you should ask them to quit it, but it's probably coming from people who are trying to be kind, in their awkward way. They love you, and only want good things for you, so clearly it's his fault that this "bad thing" has happened.

And yeah- marriage is supposed to be The Thing. The thing of your life, forever and ever, amen. It really freaks people out when you acknowledge that the reality of marriage is that it doesn't always work for everyone, even when there's no obvious dealbreaker. You'll hear from the "be a martyr" types (seems they've already found your thread), and the "clearly it was all a sham anyway" types, but it's not about them so who cares what they think. Don't even bother trying to point out how we got marriage as a social construct in the first place, or how tremendous it is that women now can choose to divorce without it crippling them for life (at least, under good circumstances; not all women are this fortunate). Just do what you have to do to find peace, and follow Wheaton's Law as much as you can in the process.

[Anonymous]

ThatBetch wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mostly it's fear that this will happen to them. Or denial that it *is* happening to them.

Exactly. There's a name for it, this tendency to blame those going through difficult circumstances as a means of psychologically distancing ourselves from the possibility of that being our reality too someday, but I can't remember it and my google fu is weak.

The "I never liked him anyway" stuff, while hamfisted, is probably a show of support. It's still toxic, and you should ask them to quit it, but it's probably coming from people who are trying to be kind, in their awkward way. They love you, and only want good things for you, so clearly it's his fault that this "bad thing" has happened.

And yeah- marriage is supposed to be The Thing. The thing of your life, forever and ever, amen. It really freaks people out when you acknowledge that the reality of marriage is that it doesn't always work for everyone, even when there's no obvious dealbreaker. You'll hear from the "be a martyr" types (seems they've already found your thread), and the "clearly it was all a sham anyway" types, but it's not about them so who cares what they think. Don't even bother trying to point out how we got marriage as a social construct in the first place, or how tremendous it is that women now can choose to divorce without it crippling them for life (at least, under good circumstances; not all women are this fortunate). Just do what you have to do to find peace, and follow Wheaton's Law as much as you can in the process.

I agree with the PPs that this is really about the people saying it and not you, OP, or your marriage. PP, I believe that the term you are thinking of is cognitive dissonance. The idea is that if you think marriage should be forever (and most of us go into it with that as our believe and our plan), when someone you know gets divorced it threatens your conceptualization of marriage as forever. Which is scary, especially if it is a couple who were seemingly doing well together. If everyone knew the couple was on the brink of divorce,it is easy to dismiss as a bad marriage/people with poor values. But when it's a couple you thought would stay together, and you also expect your own marriage to last forever, it is terrifying. People deal with that fear by looking for problems in your marriage or in you and your STBX. Thus, the "I never liked him," "You are selfish for not staying together for the (FULLY GROWN ADULT) kids," etc. It helps people distance themselves mentally from your situation.

It sounds like a hard situation, OP. I hope you find peace and happiness.

[Anonymous]

I don't know OP, but good for you for making the right choice for you and "going against the grain". I wish you nothing but peace and happiness in the future!