Why do some friends and family consider the end of my marriage such a failure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel if you can make it work for 26 years, you can keep making work. If you have kids, your husband's moving away may really jeopardize his relationship with them. And money? That, I really don't get. It will cost a lot to divorce, and it's more expensive to live separate lives than together. Unless you are wealthy, that's going to be a hit to your retirement.

I'd assume someone is having a mid life crisis or is gay.

Wow, you are so clueless. A lot of people stay together until the kids go away to college. nothing to be ashamed of. Sh*t happens.

[Anonymous]

It is a failure. You entered into a legal (and perhaps spiritual) agreement to stay together till one of you dies. Short of abuse or infidelity, you are supposed to honor that commitment. So, yes you failed. It's not the end of the world. But it is a big deal. Broken promises are a really big deal.

If you think it won't affect your kids, you are kidding yourself. My son's wife's parents are divorcing after 30 years of marriage. She is beyond devastated.

[Anonymous]

OP:

1) Your friends and family probably witnessed you exchange vows, in which you promised to love each other until death do you part.
2) Judeo Christian foundation in the U.S., which regards divorce as a moral failing.

You yourself may not be Christian, or may not have promised to be married forever, but there's definitely still that backdrop to societal views of marriage.

[Anonymous]

You're a quitter--your reasons for divorce sound self absorbed.

[Anonymous]

The 'shit happens' attitude is why marriages fail. So sadly selfish. No abuse or cheating--people that do this are perpetual infants who just get bored when there isn't something shiny and new in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The 'shit happens' attitude is why marriages fail. So sadly selfish. No abuse or cheating--people that do this are perpetual infants who just get bored when there isn't something shiny and new in front of them.

But ME! What about ME?!?! ME, ME, ME,ME,ME!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a failure. You entered into a legal (and perhaps spiritual) agreement to stay together till one of you dies. Short of abuse or infidelity, you are supposed to honor that commitment. So, yes you failed. It's not the end of the world. But it is a big deal. Broken promises are a really big deal.

If you think it won't affect your kids, you are kidding yourself. My son's wife's parents are divorcing after 30 years of marriage. She is beyond devastated.

Totally agree with this post.
And my dad divorced my stepmom when I was in my mid 30's. It totally affected me negatively. It changed how holidays and special occasions are celebrated for one. I also had to deal with their new relationships and complications. I'm not at all saying you shouldn't do it, but I'm confused about why you're surprised that people view it as a failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The 'shit happens' attitude is why marriages fail. So sadly selfish. No abuse or cheating--people that do this are perpetual infants who just get bored when there isn't something shiny and new in front of them.

I'm not the OP but being married 20+ years is NOT chasing something shiny and new. Until you have walked in someone's shoes you have no idea what happened in a marriage for it to end.

I have not met one person who was happy to get a divorce, it is hard. You need more compassion for others but I doubt it will ever happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel if you can make it work for 26 years, you can keep making work. If you have kids, your husband's moving away may really jeopardize his relationship with them. And money? That, I really don't get. It will cost a lot to divorce, and it's more expensive to live separate lives than together. Unless you are wealthy, that's going to be a hit to your retirement.

I'd assume someone is having a mid life crisis or is gay.

Wow, you are so clueless. A lot of people stay together until the kids go away to college. nothing to be ashamed of. Sh*t happens.

Then they are cowards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a failure. You entered into a legal (and perhaps spiritual) agreement to stay together till one of you dies. Short of abuse or infidelity, you are supposed to honor that commitment. So, yes you failed. It's not the end of the world. But it is a big deal. Broken promises are a really big deal.

If you think it won't affect your kids, you are kidding yourself. My son's wife's parents are divorcing after 30 years of marriage. She is beyond devastated.

Totally agree with this post.
And my dad divorced my stepmom when I was in my mid 30's. It totally affected me negatively. It changed how holidays and special occasions are celebrated for one. I also had to deal with their new relationships and complications. I'm not at all saying you shouldn't do it, but I'm confused about why you're surprised that people view it as a failure.

+1. I am an adult child of divorce and it's very complicated. It affects me and my children negatively and will continue to do so. Your children are soon to lose a lot of face time with their father. If you don't think that's a sad thing, well, I don't know what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a failure. You entered into a legal (and perhaps spiritual) agreement to stay together till one of you dies. Short of abuse or infidelity, you are supposed to honor that commitment. So, yes you failed. It's not the end of the world. But it is a big deal. Broken promises are a really big deal.

If you think it won't affect your kids, you are kidding yourself. My son's wife's parents are divorcing after 30 years of marriage. She is beyond devastated.

Wow, did anyone see it coming?

[Anonymous]

Because they know what you are unwilling to acknowledge: divorce is really hard even with adult children. For them and for you.

They know you just signed away half of your grandparenting time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a failure. You entered into a legal (and perhaps spiritual) agreement to stay together till one of you dies. Short of abuse or infidelity, you are supposed to honor that commitment. So, yes you failed. It's not the end of the world. But it is a big deal. Broken promises are a really big deal.

If you think it won't affect your kids, you are kidding yourself. My son's wife's parents are divorcing after 30 years of marriage. She is beyond devastated.

Wow, did anyone see it coming?

I know them really well, and I didn't.

[Anonymous]

The only good thing that came from my divorce is the relationship with my children. Everything is real, no secrets anymore and its refreshing.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm really glad that you and your ex were able to come to this decision amicably and that you feel good about your decision.

I'm sorry, however, that you thought DCUM would be less judgmental than your friends and family. This is not the place to come when you want to hold on to positive feelings.

I think PP is right that the negativity toward your ex is a form of solidarity with you because people don't really understand or believe that you can end a relationship and not hate the person. So I wouldn't hold this against them, just let them know it's not necessary.