Why do some friends and family consider the end of my marriage such a failure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such defensive people on this thread. Their judginesd reeks of brittle insecurity.

I know. The rabid b*%ches are out today.

[Anonymous]

Do you expect your kids to care for you (your ex) when you are sick?

My MIL lives in an over 55 community. It's a big issue. Divorced people don't have anybody to care for them. Their kids have lives, they have no partner. Often, when it is a 2nd marriage, the wife/husband leaves when there is an illness. They call the kids and say, I am out of here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a failure. You entered into a legal (and perhaps spiritual) agreement to stay together till one of you dies. Short of abuse or infidelity, you are supposed to honor that commitment. So, yes you failed. It's not the end of the world. But it is a big deal. Broken promises are a really big deal.

If you think it won't affect your kids, you are kidding yourself. My son's wife's parents are divorcing after 30 years of marriage. She is beyond devastated.

Totally agree with this post.
And my dad divorced my stepmom when I was in my mid 30's. It totally affected me negatively. It changed how holidays and special occasions are celebrated for one. I also had to deal with their new relationships and complications. I'm not at all saying you shouldn't do it, but I'm confused about why you're surprised that people view it as a failure.

+1. I am an adult child of divorce and it's very complicated. It affects me and my children negatively and will continue to do so. Your children are soon to lose a lot of face time with their father. If you don't think that's a sad thing, well, I don't know what to say.

Here's the other side of the story. I'm an adult child of divorce too and I am not suffering because of it. Maybe it was because my parents split up when I was 5. Being raised by a single mother is normal to me. I am happy with my childhood and I don't feel like I lost out on anything b/c my parents no longer resided together. I saw them both and got what I needed even they weren't together.

PP here. It's not about my childhood. Having divorced parents is complicated now. Lots of travel. Finding two assisted living places. Less grandparent time for my kid. Stepparents, stepsiblings that I barely know, and having to work out care and financial arrangements with them. It's hard and complicated, and very time consuming. If you haven't experienced it yet, perhaps you will in the future, and good luck.

You sound very self-centered and lazy. We make things work in our lives, but it sounds like you would rather complain. You inconveniences are not as important as your parents' happiness. You were in your THIRTIES when your parents divorced. Grow up.

I'm actually not that PP, but thanks for your kind words. They will be such a comfort when I'm crying in anew airport bathroom as I miss out on my own kids to shuttle between parental health crises.

Do you think you're special? Many of us have to deal with horrible health crises as parents age - and many of us are primary caretakers of sick parents, in addition to working full-time and being mothers ourselves. I have one parent with cancer, the other has sudden and irreversible dementia. He will have to be put in an institution before his 75th bday. I miss out of my own kids too, and so do millions of other parents across the country, as we deal with these issues.

The difference is that I don't blame my parents for anything.

And I would NEVER blame someone for getting a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a failure. You entered into a legal (and perhaps spiritual) agreement to stay together till one of you dies. Short of abuse or infidelity, you are supposed to honor that commitment. So, yes you failed. It's not the end of the world. But it is a big deal. Broken promises are a really big deal.

If you think it won't affect your kids, you are kidding yourself. My son's wife's parents are divorcing after 30 years of marriage. She is beyond devastated.

Totally agree with this post.
And my dad divorced my stepmom when I was in my mid 30's. It totally affected me negatively. It changed how holidays and special occasions are celebrated for one. I also had to deal with their new relationships and complications. I'm not at all saying you shouldn't do it, but I'm confused about why you're surprised that people view it as a failure.

+1. I am an adult child of divorce and it's very complicated. It affects me and my children negatively and will continue to do so. Your children are soon to lose a lot of face time with their father. If you don't think that's a sad thing, well, I don't know what to say.

Here's the other side of the story. I'm an adult child of divorce too and I am not suffering because of it. Maybe it was because my parents split up when I was 5. Being raised by a single mother is normal to me. I am happy with my childhood and I don't feel like I lost out on anything b/c my parents no longer resided together. I saw them both and got what I needed even they weren't together.

PP here. It's not about my childhood. Having divorced parents is complicated now. Lots of travel. Finding two assisted living places. Less grandparent time for my kid. Stepparents, stepsiblings that I barely know, and having to work out care and financial arrangements with them. It's hard and complicated, and very time consuming. If you haven't experienced it yet, perhaps you will in the future, and good luck.

You sound very self-centered and lazy. We make things work in our lives, but it sounds like you would rather complain. You inconveniences are not as important as your parents' happiness. You were in your THIRTIES when your parents divorced. Grow up.

I'm actually not that PP, but thanks for your kind words. They will be such a comfort when I'm crying in anew airport bathroom as I miss out on my own kids to shuttle between parental health crises.

Do you think you're special? Many of us have to deal with horrible health crises as parents age - and many of us are primary caretakers of sick parents, in addition to working full-time and being mothers ourselves. I have one parent with cancer, the other has sudden and irreversible dementia. He will have to be put in an institution before his 75th bday. I miss out of my own kids too, and so do millions of other parents across the country, as we deal with these issues.

The difference is that I don't blame my parents for anything.

And I would NEVER blame someone for getting a divorce.

All I'm sayingoing is that divorce makes it harder. Two locations, two homes to sell, two assisted living situations, all the step relatives. Is that so hard to comprehend? Divorce was their choice but let's not pretend they're the only ones bearing the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you expect your kids to care for you (your ex) when you are sick?

My MIL lives in an over 55 community. It's a big issue. Divorced people don't have anybody to care for them. Their kids have lives, they have no partner. Often, when it is a 2nd marriage, the wife/husband leaves when there is an illness. They call the kids and say, I am out of here.

+1. It happens all the time. Without the strength of an intact family a lot of people just can't handle it. But hey, you've already shown that marriage isn't forever to you, so what do you expect?

[Anonymous]

I am divorced. We divorced for many of the same reasons although our kids were still at home. Divorce is a failure. I've had many failures in my life and many successes. Many heartbreaks and many joys. Those who live their lives afraid to fail often never live. Getting divorced was the most courageous thing I've ever done. I am now happier than I've ever been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These supposed adults crying because their parents want to live their own lives after sacrificing for decades. . . . You really don't get how selfish and self-absorbed and entitled you are.

This ^^^

+ 1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These supposed adults crying because their parents want to live their own lives after sacrificing for decades. . . . You really don't get how selfish and self-absorbed and entitled you are.

This ^^^

+ 1,000

-1000

The mom expects their children and grandchildren to become her companion and caretaker... that is selfish and self-absorbed.

The dad just disappears until he is sick and then wants somebody to take care of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a failure. You entered into a legal (and perhaps spiritual) agreement to stay together till one of you dies. Short of abuse or infidelity, you are supposed to honor that commitment. So, yes you failed. It's not the end of the world. But it is a big deal. Broken promises are a really big deal.

If you think it won't affect your kids, you are kidding yourself. My son's wife's parents are divorcing after 30 years of marriage. She is beyond devastated.

Totally agree with this post.
And my dad divorced my stepmom when I was in my mid 30's. It totally affected me negatively. It changed how holidays and special occasions are celebrated for one. I also had to deal with their new relationships and complications. I'm not at all saying you shouldn't do it, but I'm confused about why you're surprised that people view it as a failure.

+1. I am an adult child of divorce and it's very complicated. It affects me and my children negatively and will continue to do so. Your children are soon to lose a lot of face time with their father. If you don't think that's a sad thing, well, I don't know what to say.

Here's the other side of the story. I'm an adult child of divorce too and I am not suffering because of it. Maybe it was because my parents split up when I was 5. Being raised by a single mother is normal to me. I am happy with my childhood and I don't feel like I lost out on anything b/c my parents no longer resided together. I saw them both and got what I needed even they weren't together.

PP here. It's not about my childhood. Having divorced parents is complicated now. Lots of travel. Finding two assisted living places. Less grandparent time for my kid. Stepparents, stepsiblings that I barely know, and having to work out care and financial arrangements with them. It's hard and complicated, and very time consuming. If you haven't experienced it yet, perhaps you will in the future, and good luck.

You sound very self-centered and lazy. We make things work in our lives, but it sounds like you would rather complain. You inconveniences are not as important as your parents' happiness. You were in your THIRTIES when your parents divorced. Grow up.

NP. Stop being overly harsh. My inlaws are divorced and it is a royal pain in the neck. The additional time, travel and logistics dealing with divorced parents results in more expense and time for the children while we are trying to raise our own kids. Throw on top of that they don't have a spouse to lean on they often rely on the kids. Often times money is tighter too because two seperate household for years is much more expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you expect your kids to care for you (your ex) when you are sick?

My MIL lives in an over 55 community. It's a big issue. Divorced people don't have anybody to care for them. Their kids have lives, they have no partner. Often, when it is a 2nd marriage, the wife/husband leaves when there is an illness. They call the kids and say, I am out of here.

This. My parents, actually my dad is 70 and is considering divorce after 40 years of marriage (because my mom nags at him and doesn't respect him). His health is already on the decline and he's not considering that he would lose on Mom taking care of him hand and foot( as she's done the past 40 years). The problem is that their entire assets is $1 mil with only $500 in Social Security. After they split that, their standard of living will go down and most likely they will be mostly alone through deteriorating sickness from old age even if they don't develop a chronic or severe illness. Their one kid has become too busy and has problems of his own, won't be helping out. Their other kid (me) lives across the ocean and has little excess $ with a family of her own (and working FT) and living in the pricey COL area that is the DMV. So in preparation for the day my dad does divorce my mom, I started saving $200 a month in case he needs senior care later. 200 is peanuts and won't cover what the sctual costs will be but all I can do right now. I'm not equating my parents with OP's situation, but even after 40 years of marriage, divorce will have negative consequences on the kids.

[Anonymous]

+1. I am certain that divorce was the right choice for my parents and I don't begrudge them it. But bottom line, there are only so many hours in a day that I can spend on visiting/caring for them, and being divorce means they each get less time and effort from me than they would if they were together. Even though I'm putting in more time and effort than I would need to if they were married. They used to lean on each other. But now they both lean on me.

[Anonymous]

I feel like dcum is heavily speckled by people who came up the hard way and want to make total strangers pay for it. If they had inattentive parents, then damn al the attentive ones for being too attentive. Etc. Etc. The word is Projecting. Qishing peace and compassion for all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So just tell your friends and family that you don't want to hear any badmouthing or negative talk. You're going your separate ways, keep it amicable, keep it positive. YOU set the tone. That's what I did, and that shut everyone down.

+1

With divorce the assumption is conflict and people are just talking their way through it. You need to clarify things or ignore it.

[Anonymous]

The majority of marriages usually end acrimoniously so I think people are just trying to make you feel better w/their negative comments about your soon-to-be-ex-hubby.

But it sounds like both you & your husband are going to have a clean, civil divorce and that is great.
It speaks volumes about your maturity levels

Just tell these friends + family members what you told us.
That you have both evolved over the years and while you still will always care for each other dearly, it is in the best interest of both of you to go your separate ways.
Let them know the parting of ways will be done 100% amicably and that it was mutual on both sides.

Ask them to refrain from their negative comments since you don't have that mindset at all.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't judge you at all for your decision. I will admit though, when women divorce more than once I start to wonder . . .