Reply to Why do some friends and family consider the end of my marriage such a failure?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=ThatBetch][quote=Anonymous]Mostly it's fear that this will happen to them. Or denial that it *is* happening to them.[/quote]

Exactly.[b] There's a name for it, this tendency to blame those going through difficult circumstances as a means of psychologically distancing ourselves from the possibility of that being our reality too someday, b[/b]ut I can't remember it and my google fu is weak.

The "I never liked him anyway" stuff, while hamfisted, is probably a show of support. It's still toxic, and you should ask them to quit it, but it's probably coming from people who are trying to be kind, in their awkward way. They love you, and only want good things for you, so clearly it's his fault that this "bad thing" has happened.

And yeah- marriage is supposed to be The Thing. The thing of your life, forever and ever, amen. It really freaks people out when you acknowledge that the reality of marriage is that it doesn't always work for everyone, even when there's no obvious dealbreaker. You'll hear from the "be a martyr" types (seems they've already found your thread), and the "clearly it was all a sham anyway" types, but it's not about them so who cares what they think. Don't even bother trying to point out how we got marriage as a social construct in the first place, or how tremendous it is that women now can choose to divorce without it crippling them for life (at least, under good circumstances; not all women are this fortunate). Just do what you have to do to find peace, and follow Wheaton's Law as much as you can in the process.

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I agree with the PPs that this is really about the people saying it and not you, OP, or your marriage. PP, I believe that the term you are thinking of is cognitive dissonance. The idea is that if you think marriage should be forever (and most of us go into it with that as our believe and our plan), when someone you know gets divorced it threatens your conceptualization of marriage as forever. Which is scary, especially if it is a couple who were seemingly doing well together. If everyone knew the couple was on the brink of divorce,it is easy to dismiss as a bad marriage/people with poor values. But when it's a couple you thought would stay together, and you also expect your own marriage to last forever, it is terrifying. People deal with that fear by looking for problems in your marriage or in you and your STBX. Thus, the "I never liked him," "You are selfish for not staying together for the (FULLY GROWN ADULT) kids," etc. It helps people distance themselves mentally from your situation.

It sounds like a hard situation, OP. I hope you find peace and happiness. 
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