when (grand)parents have very difficult personalities

[Anonymous]

My parents have always been contentious people, but as they approach 70. it's become worse. They love to see their grandchildren, but whenever they visit, they start arguments in my home. DH and I do I best to keep our home pleasant for our kids and we're just not people who yell over politics and religion. We like the atmosphere we have but when my parents show up, forget it. They just don't know how to act. My mother is pretty much the kind of person who will start a tiff over anything, even the weather. She's rather be right than keep the peace.

The last time they visited we ended up in a huge fight with them. They pretty much are clueless about their behavior and immediately told us they wanted to visit next month for a long weekend. They live a few hours away; I wish they lived a few continents away.

I've tried to tell them to dial it back, but their answer is more or less, this is who we are, and we love you and the kids, so deal with it. They think being wonderful, generous grandparents trumps all.

One reason I can't stand their visits is because they bring back the lousy parts of my childhood. When I was a kid, they yelled a lot. These people don't know how not to yell. My father was always shouting over everyone, my mother was always shouting back and insulting him, me, my brother, etc. Frankly, their behavior was often, and still is, classless. My mother's siblings actually didn't talk to her for a few years because of some things she said. In her mind, she cut them off, but it was the other way around. She's one of those people who gets into an argument and rather than apologize will go back at the other person with a verbal knife instead of letting it go. I don't blame her siblings for not talking to her that time.

I dread every visit with them. I know they'll be here next month. DH has been more than patient. His parents are nothing like this. I'm one of those women who actually likes my MIL because she's a hands off, pleasant person. I can't stand the idea of having to deal with this until they are too old to travel.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is really tough. IMO your first priority is your kids and husband. If their visits are too stressful, then they should stop until your parents choose to control their behavior. I would let them know in the most loving, kind way you can, and don't engage the crazy. You aren't cutting them off, but you are going to limit their visits to weekly phone calls for a while.

Hope this helps - I'm not sure this is much of a solution. I'm really sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is really tough. IMO your first priority is your kids and husband. If their visits are too stressful, then they should stop until your parents choose to control their behavior. I would let them know in the most loving, kind way you can, and don't engage the crazy. You aren't cutting them off, but you are going to limit their visits to weekly phone calls for a while.

Hope this helps - I'm not sure this is much of a solution. I'm really sorry you are dealing with this.

OP here. I know, this is a hard one. I don't want to cut off my kids' grandparents, but Jesus, these people are impossible. They're just not fun to be around. They've never been easy-going or lighthearted.

I wish we could just be able to enjoy a meal and a bottle of wine with them when they visit and laugh about whatever but everything is always fight fight fight, tell DH and I how to live, tell us what we're doing wrong, lecture about family values, the needs of children, fight fight fight.

To add to the awkwardness, my mother has become one of those people obsessed with family titles. Not sure where this comes from. When she leaves a voicemail, she says things like "This is your mother calling." Or, "I am calling to speak to my grandchildren." Or, "Hello, daughter, it would be nice to hear from you." When she speaks to DH I've heard her say things like, "Of course I care. I'm your MIL."

DH and I have long weeks with work and childcare and when the weekend comes, we just want to enjoy ourselves. Having to deal with difficult grandparents is just... ugh. When there's a visit from them on the horizon, I literally start to feel nervous. I've been encouraging DH to find something else to do when they visit just to spare him.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to draw some hard boundaries OP. And you also need to make some choices about which battles you're going to fight.

"Mom and Dad, I want to make sure you have great, strong relationships with our kids. And I want to make sure that the warm, calm nature of our household is maintained. So when you visit next I am putting off limits all discussions about our lifestyle choices, discussions of what you think we should be doing differently, etc... We always seem to end up in disagreements so I wanted to let you know that I just won't be participating in those discussions. Hubby and I ask you to respect how we live, and respect the choices we make for our family. That includes not starting discussions about what you think we should change. If you aren't comfortable with that then you can choose not to come visit. We'll be sorry but will respect your decision."

Then you have to be prepared to end discussions. "Mom, I told you that I won't be having conversations like this. Let's talk about that trip you're planning for next year." etc... You and your husband will have to be a consistent, united front for as long as it takes for them to believe you. If they persist then you will have to tell them that they cannot stay with you, and plan to meet them only for scheduled activities on neutral territory.

Then I'd try to let some other stuff go - like the titles thing. Pick your battles, be calm and clear but steady in your messaging and refusal to engage.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hi - Your mom sounds EXACTLY like my mom. Some things that work for making visits more bearable for us:

Limit our visits to their house to just a few days. 3 max. We have found that things always turn sour by the end of day 2, so it is great to leave on day 3.

At our house, we have moved our guest room to the basement. My parents go to bed early, so it feels nice when they retreat to the basement for bed at 8:30 pm. We can then relax and have the rest of the house to ourselves.

Try to eat meals at restaurants. Then you avoid the stress of cooking and cleaning up with your parents. My mom will tell me that I am doing everything wrong, and it is super annoying. We avoid the conversation by going out to eat.

Seek out activities outside of the house. This is a hard one for us because my mom hates leaving the house and doing things. But I have found that time passes more quickly if we leave the house, and she somewhat manages to control her temper in public places.

Don't engage in the fight. When they say something rude or insulting, try as hard as you can to just ignore it. I either outright ignore her, or I turn it into a joke/game with my daughter. For instance, when visiting my parents, my mom will walk into our room, notice that we didn't make the bed/pick up our clothes/turn out the light. She will then come downstairs and start to berate me like I am 6 years old and lecturing me to go fix it. I cut it off by turning to my young daughter and saying "come on DD! Let's race upstairs and see how quickly we can make the bed/pick up the clothes/turn off the light"

Don't leave your kids with your parents for extended periods of time. It is sad that I will never be able to take the two week couples only "vacay" to Europe, while leaving the kids with grandma and grandpa. But, it is what it is. My mom is too mean and I wouldn't trust her to have patience with my kids for more than a day. It is just a reality, and accepting it makes things easier.

My primary childhood memory of my mom is of her yelling. My friends were all scared of her, and she gets worse as she ages. She isn't particularly nice or patient with my children and she says horrible, insulting things about our parenting. I have made an affirmative decision to not be like her with my daughter (my mom actually pales in comparison with her mother (my grandmother)). Knowing that I am taking active steps to break the cycle also helps.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi - Your mom sounds EXACTLY like my mom. Some things that work for making visits more bearable for us:

Limit our visits to their house to just a few days. 3 max. We have found that things always turn sour by the end of day 2, so it is great to leave on day 3.

At our house, we have moved our guest room to the basement. My parents go to bed early, so it feels nice when they retreat to the basement for bed at 8:30 pm. We can then relax and have the rest of the house to ourselves.

Try to eat meals at restaurants. Then you avoid the stress of cooking and cleaning up with your parents. My mom will tell me that I am doing everything wrong, and it is super annoying. We avoid the conversation by going out to eat.

Seek out activities outside of the house. This is a hard one for us because my mom hates leaving the house and doing things. But I have found that time passes more quickly if we leave the house, and she somewhat manages to control her temper in public places.

Don't engage in the fight. When they say something rude or insulting, try as hard as you can to just ignore it. I either outright ignore her, or I turn it into a joke/game with my daughter. For instance, when visiting my parents, my mom will walk into our room, notice that we didn't make the bed/pick up our clothes/turn out the light. She will then come downstairs and start to berate me like I am 6 years old and lecturing me to go fix it. I cut it off by turning to my young daughter and saying "come on DD! Let's race upstairs and see how quickly we can make the bed/pick up the clothes/turn off the light"

Don't leave your kids with your parents for extended periods of time. It is sad that I will never be able to take the two week couples only "vacay" to Europe, while leaving the kids with grandma and grandpa. But, it is what it is. My mom is too mean and I wouldn't trust her to have patience with my kids for more than a day. It is just a reality, and accepting it makes things easier.

My primary childhood memory of my mom is of her yelling. My friends were all scared of her, and she gets worse as she ages. She isn't particularly nice or patient with my children and she says horrible, insulting things about our parenting. I have made an affirmative decision to not be like her with my daughter (my mom actually pales in comparison with her mother (my grandmother)). Knowing that I am taking active steps to break the cycle also helps.

Good luck!

Not OP but I read this thread because my mother sounds a lot like hers and yours. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I am headed out to a weekend with my family and you have given me a lot of reason to be hopeful. If nothing else, now I will view it as an experiment to see if your techniques work. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Meet outside the home at a fun, kid-centric venue. When they get to be too much, you leave with an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi - Your mom sounds EXACTLY like my mom. Some things that work for making visits more bearable for us:

Limit our visits to their house to just a few days. 3 max. We have found that things always turn sour by the end of day 2, so it is great to leave on day 3.

At our house, we have moved our guest room to the basement. My parents go to bed early, so it feels nice when they retreat to the basement for bed at 8:30 pm. We can then relax and have the rest of the house to ourselves.

Try to eat meals at restaurants. Then you avoid the stress of cooking and cleaning up with your parents. My mom will tell me that I am doing everything wrong, and it is super annoying. We avoid the conversation by going out to eat.

Seek out activities outside of the house. This is a hard one for us because my mom hates leaving the house and doing things. But I have found that time passes more quickly if we leave the house, and she somewhat manages to control her temper in public places.

Don't engage in the fight. When they say something rude or insulting, try as hard as you can to just ignore it. I either outright ignore her, or I turn it into a joke/game with my daughter. For instance, when visiting my parents, my mom will walk into our room, notice that we didn't make the bed/pick up our clothes/turn out the light. She will then come downstairs and start to berate me like I am 6 years old and lecturing me to go fix it. I cut it off by turning to my young daughter and saying "come on DD! Let's race upstairs and see how quickly we can make the bed/pick up the clothes/turn off the light"

Don't leave your kids with your parents for extended periods of time. It is sad that I will never be able to take the two week couples only "vacay" to Europe, while leaving the kids with grandma and grandpa. But, it is what it is. My mom is too mean and I wouldn't trust her to have patience with my kids for more than a day. It is just a reality, and accepting it makes things easier.

My primary childhood memory of my mom is of her yelling. My friends were all scared of her, and she gets worse as she ages. She isn't particularly nice or patient with my children and she says horrible, insulting things about our parenting. I have made an affirmative decision to not be like her with my daughter (my mom actually pales in comparison with her mother (my grandmother)). Knowing that I am taking active steps to break the cycle also helps.

Good luck!

Not OP but I read this thread because my mother sounds a lot like hers and yours. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I am headed out to a weekend with my family and you have given me a lot of reason to be hopeful. If nothing else, now I will view it as an experiment to see if your techniques work. Thank you!

+1 I also found this post very helpful - am about to endure a visit by my parents and have been dreading it so much that I've been breaking out in hives. Thanks, PP!

[Anonymous]

Op, I could have written large sections of your post including the part about how being with my parents even today brings back horrible childhood memories -- and how I much prefer my MIL to my own mother. It sucks. I limit their visits as much as possible and when they do visit, I pay for them to stay in a hotel. I also never leave my kids alone with them because I don't trust their judgment.

I don't have a ton of advice for you other than to keep setting firm boundaries with them, and to seek therapy if having bad parents continues to get you down. Good luck and hugs.

[Anonymous]

One hand cannot clap. No matter how much they bait you, DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THEM. They will escalate, but without you to keep it going, it will fizzle. It will take some doing, but stay the course; things may get better.