Should I let DS fail in 7th Grade

[Anonymous]

DS really tailed off at the end of last year and said he is fine getting C's and D's. We have had many talks with him and his counselor.
He has started off this year the same way. Puts no effort into homework, handwriting is sloppy and illegible.
We try to help with homework by checking and offering suggestions but he refuses to correct and storms off to his room.
We have offered tutors, etc but he says he won't listen to them.

Should we just let him go at it alone and bottom out and possibly fail 7th grade?

I'm at a loss on how to motivate him - nothing seems to work.

We are doing a neuropsych exam in two weeks in the hopes of ruling out certain issues.

[Anonymous]

Given that you're having testing done, it's premature to just give up and "let him fail" now.

What does he want to do with his life? Any goals or aspirations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS really tailed off at the end of last year and said he is fine getting C's and D's. We have had many talks with him and his counselor.
He has started off this year the same way. Puts no effort into homework, handwriting is sloppy and illegible.
We try to help with homework by checking and offering suggestions but he refuses to correct and storms off to his room.
We have offered tutors, etc but he says he won't listen to them.

Should we just let him go at it alone and bottom out and possibly fail 7th grade?

I'm at a loss on how to motivate him - nothing seems to work.

We are doing a neuropsych exam in two weeks in the hopes of ruling out certain issues.

This sounds like I was. I was completely uninterested in doing the assignments teachers gave. I learned the material just fine, though. After school, I did my own thing. I studied a lot on my own, but just not anything the school was teaching or directing me to study. I had even less interested in doing the work when forced. Does your son have any of those tendencies? What does he spend his time doing after school and on weekends? How social is he? When did this start? Is it recent or were there trends like it for a while? BTW, there is hope. I am an executive in my company and have multiple advanced degrees now.

[Anonymous]

Fucking stand over him and put his nose to the grindstone.

NO other fun until his grades improve. No TV, no phone, no internet, no sports, no friends.

[Anonymous]

There was an On Parenting article today in the Post. Younger kid, but maybe helpful?

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/can-we-help-our-children-be-motivated-to-succeed/2016/09/06/eef10a34-6f98-11e6-9705-23e51a2f424d_story.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fucking stand over him and put his nose to the grindstone.

NO other fun until his grades improve. No TV, no phone, no internet, no sports, no friends.

We tried this approach and it did not change anything. Just made him more irritable and angry, which lead to violent and destructive outbursts.
He has gotten to the point where he has gotten physical with both of us. He is large for his age.

[Anonymous]

Is he involved in extracurricular activities (i.e. sports, or other areas of interest)? I'm not sure if he is a "young" 7th grader, but from my experience that could also play a part. My child is born in August and looking back I wish he could of started K a year later as that additional year would of been so helpful.

[Anonymous]

Have you spoken to the school counselor? He may have some insights into what some of the issues are after speaking with the teacher.

[Anonymous]

Definitely get the neuropsych and rule out ADHD Inattentive and learning disabilities such as dysgraphia. Also make sure the tester screens for depression and/or anxiety. Some of what you describe sounds symptomatic of either of those.

If he does have a learning disability and you and the counselor have been harping on his "motivation," you owe him a sincere apology. Tell him you're sorry you didn't realize that he was having this kind of difficulty and you realize it was wrong to call him lazy and unmotivated and to punish him for things he had difficulty with because of his learning differences. Then get him the appropriate kind of help (tutors, medication, specialized instruction in writing or whatever). Speaking from experience, serious psychological damage is done to a kids sense of self and abilities when adults mistake learning disabilities for laziness. If this is the case, expect to spend at least a year working on re-building the connection the student feels between effort and the possibility that that effort will lead to success.

If the neuropsych rules out all problems, consider whether he is bright but bored? My brother was like this... calculating that he only needed a D to pass English and graduate.

Does he understand how college works? If he's a bright but bored kid, take him on some college visits. Explain to him what college is ... 4 years of living with friends and getting it paid for by loans or parents. Doing what you please. Taking classes that you like. Being somewhere new. Getting a fresh start. The alternative choice is getting a job that is likely to be even more boring than school and which will not even pay well enough to allow him to live in a 1 BR apartment by himself. He will be stuck paying rent to you instead of paying to live by himself or with friends.

Then explain the reality of getting into college. Good grades (specify exactly how good) and good test scores. Getting good grades in high school takes some practice in MS.

Yes, acknowledge MS is boring. Ally yourself with that. What is the least amount of work he needs to put in to get an A or B? Would he have a better grade if he just sucked it up and turned in his homework? Does he understand that a lot of homework grades are for completion, not necessarily accuracy? (So, you can get a good grade as long as you've made some kind of answer on every question.)

Explain that he is the only one who can get himself into college. The effort he puts in now affects his choices in 6 years. You are there to help him -- check homework for completion and accuracy, explain things he is having trouble with in class or hire tutors, etc. But, you can't do it for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS really tailed off at the end of last year and said he is fine getting C's and D's. We have had many talks with him and his counselor.
He has started off this year the same way. Puts no effort into homework, handwriting is sloppy and illegible.
We try to help with homework by checking and offering suggestions but he refuses to correct and storms off to his room.
We have offered tutors, etc but he says he won't listen to them.

Should we just let him go at it alone and bottom out and possibly fail 7th grade?

I'm at a loss on how to motivate him - nothing seems to work.

We are doing a neuropsych exam in two weeks in the hopes of ruling out certain issues.

First I would test him. Assuming typical development, life would become extremely dull until attention is being paid to school work. I would remove tv's, electronics, special activities stuff until the daily work is completed with some effort.

[Anonymous]

Could he be depressed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fucking stand over him and put his nose to the grindstone.

NO other fun until his grades improve. No TV, no phone, no internet, no sports, no friends.

We tried this approach and it did not change anything. Just made him more irritable and angry, which lead to violent and destructive outbursts.
He has gotten to the point where he has gotten physical with both of us. He is large for his age.

I think there's a problem here. This is not typical stuff. I hope you get it figured out soon. good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he involved in extracurricular activities (i.e. sports, or other areas of interest)? I'm not sure if he is a "young" 7th grader, but from my experience that could also play a part. My child is born in August and looking back I wish he could of started K a year later as that additional year would of been so helpful.

Sounds more like he could be a redshirted 7thh grader, given his size.

[Anonymous]

Why would an adult do this? Is one of them married to someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he involved in extracurricular activities (i.e. sports, or other areas of interest)? I'm not sure if he is a "young" 7th grader, but from my experience that could also play a part. My child is born in August and looking back I wish he could of started K a year later as that additional year would of been so helpful.

Sounds more like he could be a redshirted 7thh grader, given his size.

Nope. November birthday - will be 13 this year. He is 5-9 and weighs about 140.