Would you recommend having a 4th child at 41?

[Anonymous]

Looking for some advice ... I'm 40, with 8, 4 and 2 year old sons. I don't feel like our family is complete, but that *may* be because I don't have a daughter. Four has always been my "max," so I'd definitely be done having children after my fourth, no matter the gender. I just worry I am too old. My husband is 44. We could financially do it...but we would have to work for 25 more years (which we're planning to do any way).

I just need some help working out my thoughts on the matter. Will I forever regret it if I don't have a fourth child or will I feel ready to move on from the parental role with children in my house in my late 50's? Also, I know adding another child takes away from my existing children but I also know adding one adds one more to love. But maybe this boat has left the dock and I really am pushing it age-wise (for a healthy pregnancy/child although my doctor did not seem to be concerned)? I appreciate any thoughts on the matter, especially if you had to make the same decision.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing, OP - Do you think you would ever really feel like you were done? I have five kids and for several years after my youngest was born, I felt like I wanted another. My blood pressure went up with my last pregnancy and never came down, so another baby would have been dangerous. Had that not been the case, we might have had one more. I was only 34 when my fifth was born. I think some of us just really feel that strong biological desire for kids more than others. I'm not sure I ever would have really felt done. (I definitely would have stopped at 6 for financial reasons.)

I am 50 now and have two grandbabies. Our kids are all out if the house except for one high school senior. I cannot imagine what life would be like with a young child. The desire to have another slowly faded as our youngest got older. I absolutely loved having a houseful of kids, but I'm also really happy in this new stage of life.

[Anonymous]

Sure!
-signed, only daughter & 4th child

[Anonymous]

Personally, I wouldn't because it puts you right back into the baby stage where your family life is much more driven by the youngest child's needs (rightly so). Now that my children are older (youngest is 6) we can do so many neat things as a family. They are truly fun people to be around and if we had another my attention would be divided and our activities would be different so I don't think I would have appreciated my oldest as much.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but I think you would miss out on appreciating the older children if you went back to newborn stage.

[Anonymous]

How will you feel if y our 4th is a son? I think that's what you should really focus on. The last statement of your first paragraph makes no sense. You say you'll have to work 25 more years - implication being that's what you'd have to do IF you had a 4th, but then you say you're planning to do that anyway. So which is it?

I have four, but had my 4th over a decade before you are planning to. I also have a big gap between the oldest two and the youngest two, which means the two youngest are getting a significant amount of attention since the oldest two are out of the house already. Think about how you will give attention to the 4 yr old while the 2yr old is having a tantrum and the newborn is cluster feeding.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for helpful input. To the PP, we are planning to work for 25 more years but with a 4th finishing college in about 22 years, we would definitely have to work no matter what. I am trying to say that our flexibility would be altered.

Also, if I were to have this child, it would be next year when my kids would be 9,5,3. Not sure that is a big difference from the 4/2 year old scenario but it feels easier to me.

[Anonymous]

3 is a lot easier than 4. When the kids get older and more involved with activities it gets very stressful having to drive them all and having to attend 3 games on the same day, etc. It's hard to find hotel rooms that accommodate 6 people. Traveling is more difficult. 3 is the perfect number of kids, in my opinion. The more you have the harder it gets. I speak from experience.

[Anonymous]

I think you are pushing the limit but if your husband is supportive and you've thought through all the financial implications etc why not go for it? I was ten when my youngest brother was born and to this day I remember the time of his birth! Yes, it does extend when you become an empty nester (usually a good thing though emotionally tough) but it could be a real blessing.

[Anonymous]

I would say put it all into the ones you have got. But what does H say? Have you discussed it? The risks are there and that would jeopardize what you/they have now.

[Anonymous]

1.How does your husband feel about it?

2. What does your doctor say about it? How is your health? Do you have a history of difficult pregnancies?

3.. What is your plan for the kids should you and husband not be able to? It's tough to think about but care for 3 kids is a lot different than 4.

4. Are you and your husband okay with time off work? A 40 something is a lot different than a 30 something leaving.
It's not fair, but I've seen colleagues get sidelined for the younger colleagues after maternity/paternity leaves.

5. How would you feel if you had twins. That's a real possibility given your age. Are you game for 2 babies?

6. How would you feel if you had another son instead of a daughter?

[Anonymous]

No, but if you're healthy and wealthy, why not?

[Anonymous]

Also please consider the possibility of having a special needs child or multiples. Would you for sure have what it takes to give care, work full time, care for the 3 older? I know it's unlikely but it happens.

[Anonymous]

Adopt a girl.

[Anonymous]

Sure, but get medical checkup first. I am pregnant at 40, but even though I had very easy pregnancies before, this time I'm a diagnosed with hypothyroid and Gestational diabetes in first trimester.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 is a lot easier than 4. When the kids get older and more involved with activities it gets very stressful having to drive them all and having to attend 3 games on the same day, etc. It's hard to find hotel rooms that accommodate 6 people. Traveling is more difficult. 3 is the perfect number of kids, in my opinion. The more you have the harder it gets. I speak from experience.

Mother of 4 here and I completely agree with this. Not sure what it was about 4 kids, but life got a lot more complicated once the 4th child came along. I love my kids dearly, but I only plan on having 1-2 in my next life. Kids are all older now thankfully (20, 18, 16 and 14), but that stretch while they were all school aged was really trying for me.