When to stop helping mom who makes terrible decisions
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My mom recently announced to me that she is getting divorced for the third time. I'm not all that surprised but she won't really tell me why. She moved closer to me and DH last year and now wants to move even closer.
Long story short- shes retired, terrible with money, has barely any money saved, has no budget, and just wants to rent an apartment that she really can't afford. I spent my whole week trying to look up apartments in a more reasonable price range, tried to get the details of her finances in order but she's not listening. She's going to blow through her money and be in bad shape. She doesn't want a lawyer even though I told her she absolutely needed one. She just wants to go furniture shopping to decorate for her new life. I suggested a reasonable action plan with more inexpensive 1 bedrooms (she wants a 2-bedroom), advised her on lawyers (she told me she would call but I doubt she will), tried to set a budget (she spends more in groceries than my family of 4). I'm tired of helping. She's rushing into this like she does everything else. I'm nervous she will need serious care as she gets older and won't have any money to take care of herself. She has long term care insurance but won't tell me exactly what it is. All I know is it's linked with her life insurance and her husband is staying the beneficiary and plans to pay her half the monthly costs. Sounds weird to me. She claims they'll work in out with a lawyer. DH is sick of her antics (I'm leaving a lot out here) and said since she won't listen to sound financial advice now, he's not going to help her down the road. I don't blame him but what can I do? Can I really deny her care or help? DH and I make decent money but I can't imagine a time when we will have enough to cover mom and her possible medical costs. We simply do not have extra money and I can't take that away from my own children and savings. She's mostly fine health wise now but takes terrible care of herself- not active no exercise. I have a sister but she's far away and very self centered and won't really help. Any advice on how to just be done with helping? I know it will upset her but I feel like I have to just say if she's not going to listen then I can't support this decision and can't help. I'm just so nervous for the future- her running out of money, needing medical care, and being destitute. |
Anonymous
|
Ugh - I'm so sorry, OP. Can you have a Come to Jesus talk with her and spell things out? Even if she blow a gasket, she really does need to hear that you are fed up, and that you may not have enough money to help her down the road. You will have to use concrete examples of the difference it would make in her quality of life. Not that it will change much, I assume. She likely has a psychiatric condition that will not get better if it's left untreated. But she deserves to be warned explicitly. Not beating about the bush. |
Anonymous
| I don't know much about this type of situation as I've never been in it, but my gut tells me that you need to change your approach from 'I don't know how to help her' to telling her directly that she needs to help herself. I know that can't be easy, but the more you do, the more she'll depend on you instead of finding the help she needs. |
Anonymous
| OP here- thanks guys. I've been pretty direct and forceful with her. She simply will not listen. So I'm torn. DH described it as a train wreck we know is eventually going to happen. She's a very tragic figure and I fear that if I cut her out and really give her tough love that she'll harm herself. She's never really threatened that or anything but I do think about it. |
Anonymous
|
20;42 again.
When she doesn't listen, what does that mean? Does she acknowledge the risks? Would she be willing to transfer control of funds to you? |
Anonymous
|
Long term
Care insurance You get a policy for her The price you pay in premiums now will save you headaches and panic later ! |
Anonymous
|
I think you just have to tell her outright, "Mom, I just don't have the money to help you." And keep repeating every time she asks you for money. She can also ask her other daughter or her ex(es), any siblings, a church, or friends of hers for help. She has some financial resources she can tap into -- Social Security at 62+, and then there's welfare and food stamps. If her life insurance policy is a whole life policy, she may be able to cash that out, and that may be significant. The long term care policy should help if she needs nursing care one day.
If and when she can't pay her bills or doesn't have enough money for groceries, she will learn the hard way that she has to make changes. It will be the reality check she needs. So she may have to visit a food bank -- it's not ideal, but she'll get food, and hopefully it'll motivate her to change. You can't allow her to take your family down. Good luck and stay strong, OP. Practice saying "I just don't have the money to help you, Mom" assertively until it rolls off of your tongue naturally. Then you'll be ready to say it when she asks you for money. |
Anonymous
| Can you talk to a social worker or lawyer who specializes in elder care? Her inability to face the realities of her life could be an early sign of dementia. My grandma did similar and blew through everything before anybody figured out how mentally compromised she really was. Thank goodness for long term health care so that she's now in a home where she gets the support she needs |
Anonymous
now? |
Anonymous
Ummm, did she asked you for help? With budget, apartment rental, legal issues? Did she ask you to cover her living expenses? From your post it looks like you're trying to shove your "help" down her throat. She is an adult, and it is her right to live her live the way she chooses. So, unless you suspect that her judgement is severely impaired by dementia and such, - leave her alone. If it helps you to sleep better - buy long term care insurance for her, and MYOB. |
Anonymous
| OMG. A child who wants to help her parent, even though parent is not perfect! So proud of you OP. I don't know how you can help her. I have a friend like that and she makes one wrong decision after another, and any advice is unwelcome. But, this is your mom. So maybe, try to sit down with her and see if you can kindly suggest a smaller apartment, it is clear you will not let her end up destitute, but she needs to think you won't help to make more rational decisions. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| Thanks everyone. DH suggested putting her money in a trust but she would never go for that. She told me. She HAS asked for my help but then refuses to listen to it. She just wants to live the make believe part of life like everything is fine but won't listen when I tell her she can't afford to live like that. |
Anonymous
I have to say that this is what really struck me about your post. You may call it self-centered but someone else would call it establishing boundaries and limits - which is really what you're asking DCUM to help you with. Your question really is "What kind of limits should I set with my mother?" |
Anonymous
What exactly she asked you to help with? How old is she? Does she work? Do you know all details about her financial to make informed decisions about what she can and can't afford? |
Anonymous
Yes - the question is what she is asking you for. If it's to help her decorate her new place - decide if you want to do that. If it's writing her a check to pay her bills or a deposit for a new place - then the answer is no. My aunt and uncle lived the way you describe your mom as living. Finally caught up with them in mid 60s. Was ugly -- they declared bankruptcy, lost almost everything, and ended up moving into a double wide trailer in Florida that some friends of their let them 'rent' for a few hundred a month. Eventually they even stiffed that person. My cousins, their kids, would send modest gas and grocery gift cards every couple of months. They didn't want them to starve but if they gave them cash - they'd go and blow it at a nice restaurant. It's tough to watch but you need to draw the line at emotional support only, not financial. |