My Kid is Obsessed with the Queen Bee

[Anonymous]

Young Elementary girls. They are split up this year into different classes, which we are thrilled about. But everything at lunch, recess and the playground is all about my kid wanting to talk to, hang out with, play with the Queen Bee. My kid cannot resist her and the problem is they get in trouble together. It's also clear that the other girl just isn't into my kid as much, which might be part of the allure--my kid wants to be noticed.

But we are tired of our kid following her around all the time and frankly we are tired of our kid getting into extra trouble because they are a bad combo.

Any ideas? Books? Ways to talk to our girl?

[Anonymous]

I would start scheduling some one-on-one playdates with girls in her class, or maybe see if any of them have any after-school activities they are doing that interest your DD that they can do together (eg, tennis, swim lessons etc). Hopefully she will click with one of those girls and lose interest in the other one.

[Anonymous]

Tell your kid to hang out with the nerds instead. It'll pay off in the long run.

[Anonymous]

You just described my daughter. She knows her "friend" is not truly a friend but still has a hard time staying away. We've tried to re-direct and encourage her to play with other children at recess this week. She would tell us she played with other children but came to find out that she lied and was busy chasing after her "friend".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just described my daughter. She knows her "friend" is not truly a friend but still has a hard time staying away. We've tried to re-direct and encourage her to play with other children at recess this week. She would tell us she played with other children but came to find out that she lied and was busy chasing after her "friend".

OP here. This is exactly us. We ask who she ate lunch with and she tells us three kids but then later on she tells us another story and "slips" and mentions the other kid. A couple of days ago, our DD refused to play on the playground after school. She loves to play basketball but b/c the other girl was just sitting around, our DD chose to just sit around. Then another friend came over to the "friend" and they left to play together and our DD was sad. It's funny b/c in many ways, they have the same magnetic personality. But there's a hold over our DD that we just can't break.

[Anonymous]

I commend you for recognizing what is going on with your DD and feeling that this might not be a healthy friendship for her. Unfortunately, most parents don't really know the relationships there tweens/teens have and what impact it has on their DD. Here is some advice-the first being - don't judge your dd- she already probably has that from her peers. Have a conversation with her to see if she can get it herself. This is more of a self discovery process than a parent advising their dd. Ask her if she could make up a friend to have what kind of qualities would they have? How would she want them to treat her? Write this down. Then ask her to close her eyes and imagine this friend with her- ask her how does it feel to have a friend like this with her? What is her and her friend doing together? How is her friend treating her? Then ask her to open up her eyes and talk to her about the friends she has now. Ask her to close her eyes again and imagine she is with her friend the queen bee (of course don't say that - just use her name) then ask her what are they doing together? How is she treating her? What does it feel like? Then talk about which felt better- I'm assuming it will be the imaginary friend she created. Then ask are there any friends like that in your class or school? Would you like to get to know them better? If she says yes maybe you can invite her over or make plans with the girl. This can be a pretty powerful exercise. Hope you find this helpful.

[Anonymous]

Is it just me that thought this was about Beyoncé?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I commend you for recognizing what is going on with your DD and feeling that this might not be a healthy friendship for her. Unfortunately, most parents don't really know the relationships there tweens/teens have and what impact it has on their DD. Here is some advice-the first being - don't judge your dd- she already probably has that from her peers. Have a conversation with her to see if she can get it herself. This is more of a self discovery process than a parent advising their dd. Ask her if she could make up a friend to have what kind of qualities would they have? How would she want them to treat her? Write this down. Then ask her to close her eyes and imagine this friend with her- ask her how does it feel to have a friend like this with her? What is her and her friend doing together? How is her friend treating her? Then ask her to open up her eyes and talk to her about the friends she has now. Ask her to close her eyes again and imagine she is with her friend the queen bee (of course don't say that - just use her name) then ask her what are they doing together? How is she treating her? What does it feel like? Then talk about which felt better- I'm assuming it will be the imaginary friend she created. Then ask are there any friends like that in your class or school? Would you like to get to know them better? If she says yes maybe you can invite her over or make plans with the girl. This can be a pretty powerful exercise. Hope you find this helpful.

Np here - thank you!! That is excellent. Is there a book that helped you or are you in the field? I'd love to learn more techniques.

[Anonymous]

Another NP who likes the above suggestion! Thanks for sharing. On reflection, I was like ops daughter from about 4th-6th grades. The queen bee was my bff up to fifth grade (mutually) but then she got "cool" and I didn't. In 7th grade I finally realized who my true friends were.

Anyway, I probably would not have tolerated the above exercise with my own mom, but I probably would have benefitted from it if it was with my aunt out youth group leader or a teacher. Someone more neutral than mom!

[Anonymous]

When DS was having problems with his not-so-nice BFF, we of course recommended taking a break and playing with someone else etc. But DS always seemed to argue with us or have a bunch of reasons or excuses why that wouldn't work. I think in some ways he was a bit defensive about his not-so-nice BFF, even though he knew he wasn't treating him well.

So we shifted tactics. We found all sorts of new and different ways to help DS focus on the nice kids in his class. Literally, we would find ways to ask who the NICEST kid in the class was. Or the NICEST kid on the bus (a war zone of teasing and bad choices). Or the kid who was usually the best behaved in the cafeteria (another mess of a place . . . ) Or the kid who everyone in the class liked to play with. Or the kid who was nice to everyone. You get the idea. Then when DS offered up a name, we'd ask why or for some other detail, and DS would think and talk a little more about it.

This helped all of us shift our focus from what a BAD friend looked like to what a GOOD friend looked like. And it helped DS think about positive friendships in a more concrete way. Not just the QUALITIES of a good friend (though that's good, too), but what it looks like in practice.

And of course, it gave us ideas about who to suggest for playdates etc. Again, not putting down unkind BFF. Just helping DS think of other options (without directly telling him to drop BFF and go play with X.)

[Anonymous]

Ugh why do girls have so much drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh why do girls have so much drama?

Please don't stereotype.

Boys have social challenges and drama, too. For example, see my PP 17:22.

Also, grown men and women also drama and conflict, too. This is not specific to girls.

In my experience this is all a normal part of navigating life with other people. Sometimes people get along easily. Sometimes people have difficulty with each other. Sometimes people are mature and self-aware and have the self-control to make good choices. Sometimes they don't. I would guess each of us fall into each of these categories depending on the situation and our mindset at the time.

So please don't fall into the trap of equating "girls" with "drama". It's unfair to young girls, and it perpetuates a negative stereotype.

[Anonymous]

Kids define their status roles anytime they are grouped together. Some kids who recognize they aren't high status accept this and are fine- others get determined to achieve it- thus the wannabes.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe parents meddle in their kids elementary school recess activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe parents meddle in their kids elementary school recess activities.

I can't believe some parents don't give a shit about helping their kids learn to navigate social situations where they are struggling and when they are upset.