15 year old cousin ran away to my place amidst family drama... what NOW???

[Anonymous]

I'm 23 years old, no kids yet but a lurker on DCUM because my fiance and I intend to try to have kids soon after our wedding, which is also soon, and I want to know roughly what I'm in for. Today, however, my post is seeking advice about how to help a relative.

My 15 year old cousin who lives out of state just showed up at my apartment saying she had a horrible fight with her mother (my aunt, who is somewhat estranged from my mother's portion of the family) and is asking if she can stay with me for a while. I'm fine with having her here for up to the next week or so, then traveling with her to take her back home on either weekend between now and when her school starts. But my aunt doesn't like me much and there's almost no chance she would be okay with that. Obviously she can't stay long term because she's a minor child in her parents' legal custody, not mine, and not to mention her junior year of high school starts the week after Labor Day. She begged me NOT to tell her parents where she is, but I don't think I ethically (or legally?) can hide her whereabouts from her parents. Plus I'm sure they're incredibly worried, and I feel like I have to contact them and let them know she's okay. Not sure what to tell them since I want her to stay here until things calm down and I know that idea wouldn't go over well.

And what do I do about the upset teenager currently crying on my couch?

She and I keep in pretty frequent contact (texting, Skype every few weeks, that sort of thing) and she's always felt that her mother was incredibly controlling and cared more about the image of her as a perfect daughter rather than her as a person. According to her side of everything she's told me, that seems somewhat accurate. Plus, from my limited direct experience, my aunt speaks very disparagingly and critically of her and generally acts like everything cousin does is ridiculous or not good enough. Unfortunately, while that might be an unpleasant environment to grow up in, it's not abusive and my aunt and uncle are her parents so have the right to raise her as they see fit. There's nothing I can do about that and I can't just keep her here because neither of us like her home life.

I haven't gotten her to tell me anything specific yet; she's practically hysterical still. If I had to guess, holding it together while running away and taking an AMTRAK and a cab over here was stressful and took a lot out of her. Not sure why she didn't call me. Probably because I would have told her she could NOT run away, and instead offered to get on a train and come be mediator if she genuinely found the situation at home untenable. My mom was a foster parent for a while; after that I will *never*, if I can help it, just leave a kid feeling alone in a situation they perceive as that degree of not okay. But she's her parents' kid and she can't be here without their permission. Ugh. Anyway, I gave her some time to relax by telling her she should take a few minutes to decompress & freshen up from her trip, have a shower if she wanted, and I would go get my room ready for us because no matter what she's staying here tonight (No more trains leave tonight, at least not that we could make and I could afford, and I also don't have the $$ to put her on a plane, so she *can't* go home tonight). I'm typing this instead because it doesn't take that long to inflate an air mattress and toss on some sheets & blankets.

My instincts are that something extremely bad & dramatic has happened this time, but I don't yet have a feel for if she was in any sort of danger at home. There's no precedent for it based on my aunt and uncle's past behavior, but there's also no precedent for THIS. I'm not sure I'm comfortable returning her to a situation she felt was so bad that her only option was to run away, either.

I would call my mom and basically ask her to help me figure this out since it's her sister, but she's out of the country on business and in the middle of working hours there.

So... ideas, experienced parents? What in the world do I do now? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for the rough situation, and I'm not sure what the overall solution is. However, she is a minor and you could end up getting in trouble with her being there if you don't say anything right away. I'm not sure who the appropriate contact is- either her parents, the police, grandparents or other family.

I hope things work out well. Hugs to both you and your cousin.

[Anonymous]

I have a 13 year old.

I would want my relative to say my daughter could stay with her, but she has to let her mother know she's safe. If she doesn't want to call, I'd want the relative to call. But I would need to be told my kid was safe. One of you needs to let her parent she's safe and she can stay where she's safe until this gets sorted out. And that you are going to work with her to find out what's going on and will call her back in an hour or two to give her an update.

Honestly, I would probably be on my way to where my kid is the instant I was called.

My parents let teenagers with difficult home lives stay with us when I was a kid. The first rule was they had to let their parents know they were safe (unless there was abuse to the extent that authorities were involved, then they followed the recommendations of the authorities).

[Anonymous]

OP back with update... it just gets worse

I told my cousin that we had to tell her parents where she is because it would be wrong to just have them worry, and would likely only make things worse. I told her that either she or I needed to get in touch with her parents, and then I needed to talk to her mother about her staying while everyone had time to calm down and we could figure this all out. She was strongly opposed to this, so I gave her options:
- text one of her parents
- call call one of her parents
- call one of them with the phone on speaker and me right next to her listening in
- I would call her mother
- I would text her mother

She said she would call them if I promised to stay and listen. So that's what we did, and now I know why.

She told her mother. And it was bad. She said "Mom, after that fight you don't want me at home and I don't want to be there either. I'm at [my name]'s, and she said I could stay for now if"

and that's as far as she got because her mother started screaming at her. Aunt said "What the f*** do you mean you're f****** at [my name]'s house? How dare you, you little [homophobic slur] b****? Get your a** home"

Which is when I took the phone, and took it off speaker. Because I know my aunt is upset right now, but that was not okay. No kid needs to hear their mother swearing at them. So, cousin is understandably hysterical, now I know roughly what the fight was, and I feel awful for not getting more detail before making her contact home.

I said something along the lines of "Okay, hold on. Aunt __, it's ___. I know you're upset right now, I'm sure you were worried. But __ is safe with me, and right now it sounds like everyone needs a while to calm down. She's too upset to talk now. I'll keep her with me at least for tonight, we'll grab dinner, we'll talk. I want to help. But I can't send her home tonight. I'll call you again tomorrow around this time and we can figure out something. You're angry and you're swearing at your kid, and she's upset and scared and crying. Everyone is safe for now, but nothing is going to get better until everyone has some time to calm down and think. You have my number? Okay, call anytime to check on her. I'll look after her and we'll figure everything out tomorrow."

Oh great. So, on one hand I probably shouldn't have said anything at all to my aunt about her language (maybe not my place?) but on the other hand that was REALLY not alright and I wish I had directly told her she was out of line. One thing is for sure, I'm not sending my cousin home while tempers are that high. Also, as long as she agrees, I'm keeping her phone tonight and screening her calls so she doesn't have to talk to her mother yet. Not sure what we're doing now. Cousin is in the bathroom crying and freaking out, I'm about to go sit outside the door and try to talk her into coming out here so I can hug her and feed her and talk to her and just generally try to fix this.

Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry about the implied language and content of the above.

[Anonymous]

This is on its way to being more than you can handle. You have zero rights here. You can't tell a parent when they can and can't see their minor child. Now that the parents know where she is, they can report that you have kidnapped your cousin. It's a tough call to make, but you may need to proactively alert the police to the hostile home environment, that your cousin feels like she's in danger at home, etc. Record any future calls you have with the mother so you have proof of what she's saying.

[Anonymous]

Is your cousin gay? If so maybe the FLAG (I think that's it?) website would have some helpful information? I hope she's ok and that she's not being lashed at for being gay. I also wish I had better advice but kudos to you for being so mature and helping out.

[Anonymous]

So, you don't know what caused the initial fight? That is tough. Clearly whatever it was, it escalated beyond reason. I think you did the right thing on the phone. I don't know about you telling her about the language, but the rest is fine. I see it as you trying to diffuse the issue and keep people calm. I hope your cousin can stay with you for a few days, so everybody can calm down. I would find out if there was physical violence at home. Little slap on the arm or such will not alarm the CPS and the police but more will. Do be careful, while mom is clearly not in control of her temper, teens also lie, exaggerate and make huge drama out of issues that might not be that big. I am not saying your cousin is doing that, I think there are huge issues and it might not be her at all, but teens are not rational beings part of the time. It is too bad that her mother is acting immature and verbally abuse as well. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Listen to your cousin and let her unload on you.
I don't think it was inappropriate of you to tell your aunt her language was unacceptable. It was unacceptable.

Is there a dad in the picture? Another relative who has more day-to-day contact with the family that you could touch base with for back up? Unfortunately, it sounds like your aunt is too angry to make smart decisions about her kid right now. Getting another relative involved might just magnify the drama, but if there's someone who could start talking some sense into your aunt it would be worth a try.

It also doesn't sound like this is something that can be fixed in the short term. Start considering what long term solutions there might be. Unless your aunt has an amazing turn around, your cousin's home is not emotionally safe for her.

[Anonymous]

Please immediately call your local police non-emergency number. Briefly outline the situation, and ask if you could be charged with kidnapping. Ask what your legal options are.

Step out to make this call so your niece can not possibly hear you.

[Anonymous]

She did not take the niece and she did not hide the niece, so no one would consider this a kidnapping.

[Anonymous]

Idea: Call the emergency line at child,welfare services and ask them what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She did not take the niece and she did not hide the niece, so no one would consider this a kidnapping.

But they could call it custodial interference

[Anonymous]

Does she have any marks of physical abuse?

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's time to talk to your mom, this is her sister's child right? she could have some insight into the relationship and can talk to the aunt?

[Anonymous]

I tend to be a "believer", but been burned way too many times. So try to talk to others in the picture, OP. Ask your niece who else is aware of the situation.