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[quote=Anonymous]I'm 23 years old, no kids yet but a lurker on DCUM because my fiance and I intend to try to have kids soon after our wedding, which is also soon, and I want to know roughly what I'm in for. Today, however, my post is seeking advice about how to help a relative.

My 15 year old cousin who lives out of state just showed up at my apartment saying she had a horrible fight with her mother (my aunt, who is somewhat estranged from my mother's portion of the family) and is asking if she can stay with me for a while. I'm fine with having her here for up to the next week or so, then traveling with her to take her back home on either weekend between now and when her school starts. But my aunt doesn't like me much and there's almost no chance she would be okay with that. Obviously she can't stay long term because she's a minor child in her parents' legal custody, not mine, and not to mention her junior year of high school starts the week after Labor Day. She begged me NOT to tell her parents where she is, but I don't think I ethically (or legally?) can hide her whereabouts from her parents. Plus I'm sure they're incredibly worried, and I feel like I have to contact them and let them know she's okay. Not sure what to tell them since I want her to stay here until things calm down and I know that idea wouldn't go over well.

And what do I do about the upset teenager currently crying on my couch?

She and I keep in pretty frequent contact (texting, Skype every few weeks, that sort of thing) and she's always felt that her mother was incredibly controlling and cared more about the image of her as a perfect daughter rather than her as a person. According to her side of everything she's told me, that seems somewhat accurate. Plus, from my limited direct experience, my aunt speaks very disparagingly and critically of her and generally acts like everything cousin does is ridiculous or not good enough. Unfortunately, while that might be an unpleasant environment to grow up in, it's not abusive and my aunt and uncle are her parents so have the right to raise her as they see fit. There's nothing I can do about that and I can't just keep her here because neither of us like her home life.

I haven't gotten her to tell me anything specific yet; she's practically hysterical still. If I had to guess, holding it together while running away and taking an AMTRAK and a cab over here was stressful and took a lot out of her. Not sure why she didn't call me. Probably because I would have told her she could NOT run away, and instead offered to get on a train and come be mediator if she genuinely found the situation at home untenable. My mom was a foster parent for a while; after that I will *never*, if I can help it, just leave a kid feeling alone in a situation they perceive as that degree of not okay. But she's her parents' kid and she can't be here without their permission. Ugh.  Anyway, I gave her some time to relax by telling her she should take a few minutes to decompress & freshen up from her trip, have a shower if she wanted, and I would go get my room ready for us because no matter what she's staying here tonight (No more trains leave tonight, at least not that we could make and I could afford, and I also don't have the $$ to put her on a plane, so she *can't* go home tonight). I'm typing this instead because it doesn't take that long to inflate an air mattress and toss on some sheets & blankets.

My instincts are that something extremely bad & dramatic has happened this time, but I don't yet have a feel for if she was in any sort of danger at home. There's no precedent for it based on my aunt and uncle's past behavior, but there's also no precedent for THIS. I'm not sure I'm comfortable returning her to a situation she felt was so bad that her only option was to run away, either.

I would call my mom and basically ask her to help me figure this out since it's her sister, but she's out of the country on business and in the middle of working hours there.

So... ideas, experienced parents? What in the world do I do now? Thanks.[/quote]

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