15 year old cousin ran away to my place amidst family drama... what NOW???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She did not take the niece and she did not hide the niece, so no one would consider this a kidnapping.

But they could call it custodial interference

You're getting a little hysterical here. The kid showed up on OP's doorstep, OP had her call her mom so the parents would know where they are, and OP has done nothing to prevent the mom from traveling to OP and picking up her daughter if that's what she wants to do. OP doesn't have an obligation to kick the girl out onto the streets or drive her back home, she just can't interfere if her aunt comes to get her daughter absent some kind of abuse allegations.

[Anonymous]

You've done the right thing. I don't think you are responsible for paying her way home, so as long as you don't interfere with her parents picking her up or otherwise getting her home I think you'll be fine. Find out if there is abuse. If so, call CPS in her home state. If not, talk to her parents and ask them how they plan to get her home. In the meantime, be someone she can talk to. It's not up to you to fix this, but you can be supportive or help her understand why her parents are so upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back with update... it just gets worse

I told my cousin that we had to tell her parents where she is because it would be wrong to just have them worry, and would likely only make things worse. I told her that either she or I needed to get in touch with her parents, and then I needed to talk to her mother about her staying while everyone had time to calm down and we could figure this all out. She was strongly opposed to this, so I gave her options:
- text one of her parents
- call call one of her parents
- call one of them with the phone on speaker and me right next to her listening in
- I would call her mother
- I would text her mother

She said she would call them if I promised to stay and listen. So that's what we did, and now I know why.

She told her mother. And it was bad. She said "Mom, after that fight you don't want me at home and I don't want to be there either. I'm at [my name]'s, and she said I could stay for now if"

and that's as far as she got because her mother started screaming at her. Aunt said "What the f*** do you mean you're f****** at [my name]'s house? How dare you, you little [homophobic slur] b****? Get your a** home"

Which is when I took the phone, and took it off speaker. Because I know my aunt is upset right now, but that was not okay. No kid needs to hear their mother swearing at them. So, cousin is understandably hysterical, now I know roughly what the fight was, and I feel awful for not getting more detail before making her contact home.

I said something along the lines of "Okay, hold on. Aunt __, it's ___. I know you're upset right now, I'm sure you were worried. But __ is safe with me, and right now it sounds like everyone needs a while to calm down. She's too upset to talk now. I'll keep her with me at least for tonight, we'll grab dinner, we'll talk. I want to help. But I can't send her home tonight. I'll call you again tomorrow around this time and we can figure out something. You're angry and you're swearing at your kid, and she's upset and scared and crying. Everyone is safe for now, but nothing is going to get better until everyone has some time to calm down and think. You have my number? Okay, call anytime to check on her. I'll look after her and we'll figure everything out tomorrow."

Oh great. So, on one hand I probably shouldn't have said anything at all to my aunt about her language (maybe not my place?) but on the other hand that was REALLY not alright and I wish I had directly told her she was out of line. One thing is for sure, I'm not sending my cousin home while tempers are that high. Also, as long as she agrees, I'm keeping her phone tonight and screening her calls so she doesn't have to talk to her mother yet. Not sure what we're doing now. Cousin is in the bathroom crying and freaking out, I'm about to go sit outside the door and try to talk her into coming out here so I can hug her and feed her and talk to her and just generally try to fix this.

Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry about the implied language and content of the above.

I think you did the right thing. The mom was out of line. Maybe she was so scared she was not thinking. Maybe she has a mental illness. You need to talk to your cousin and find out if this is a one time thing or it happens all the time. Is she feels unsafe in her home you need to call someone official for help.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to get more information from your cousin about what's been going on at home before you can decide what to do. Unfortunately if her parents don't want her to stay with you, your options are very limited absent credible allegations of abuse you can report to the authorities, and your best course might be to try to smooth things over with your aunt so that she doesn't cut off your cousin's access to you once she's home. It'll suck to have to play nice after what you've heard, but keep your eye on the more important goal -- keeping the lines of communication with your cousin open so you can continue to be a source of support to her, and perhaps your aunt will let her come visit you during breaks and stuff to get away from the family drama if your aunt feelings like you're not working against her.

If there are more severe circumstances that would warrant making a report to CPS, I would recommend contacting an organization specializing in these kinds of situations for more guidance on what to do. Many of them have hotlines you can call for guidance, such as the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline [phone]) and the National Domestic Violence Hotline [phone]).

[Anonymous]

OP, you are getting lots of opinions, sorry to offer one more...

Please just try to relax tonight. Put on a silly movie, eat some takeout, just let your cousin feel safe and loved. Get some rest.

Tomorrow will come and it will be time to talk about going home. You will have to face it, it will be better after a full night's sleep.

I wouldn't advise alerting any authorities. She is a teen ager, she came to you, you are a relative and are taking care of her, not kidnapping her.

You sound like a great cousin. I have an awesome young adult niece that my own daughters would likely consider running to in case of trouble-I would be thankful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please immediately call your local police non-emergency number. Briefly outline the situation, and ask if you could be charged with kidnapping. Ask what your legal options are.

Step out to make this call so your niece can not possibly hear you.

This. If anything, it will put what is happening "on record". Do it immediately.

[Anonymous]

OP again. We had dinner, we talked about what's going on, and now she's falling asleep watching Netflix after a long day.

Apparently, my cousin thinks she is gay and had written some entries in her journal about that and a little about a crush she has on a classmate (another girl). Cousin says that her mother found the journal, read it, and absolutely flipped out. She says there was a huge argument with lots of yelling, and that her mom called her some very rude things (she gave specifics, but I don't think anyone wants to read those words), said "some freak d*** is no daughter of mine" and told her she would embarrass the family if anyone found out. Followed, as my cousin reports, by telling her that when her father got back from business travel (Saturday) he would "make her forget this nonsense if she knows what's good for her".

She says she was scared that her dad might actually hit her, and her mom was acting just really nuts and it was all too much so she panicked and came here because, apparently, I feel safe. I suppose I'm glad I can be that person for her, but goodness, why me? Our other aunt lives closer and has kids of her own... I have no idea what I'm doing or how to navigate this situation. She would definitely have gone to my mom if not for the fact that she's out of the country on a business trip. What timing.

Based on everything I know of the situation -- cousin's actions, cousin's story, and the things my aunt said on the phone, plus aunt's general behavior pattern -- I totally believe the journal and mom flipping out part. Not so sure if she's right about what her dad might do because I don't know him well at all. When she was younger I know her parents had this awful wooden spoon they spanked her with, which I know because they brought it along once when they were staying at our house for a few days. Anyway, apparently the last time either of her parents used any physical punishment was sometime around 6th grade; she says neither of them hit her now or anything. Which, honestly, I believe, because if she wanted me to figure out how to get her out of her parents' house actual physical abuse going on would be a legitimate reason so I think she would have told me.

But we've still got her being screamed at and insulted by her mother, and afraid of her father. Not a great situation. With my cousin's permission, I just called our other aunt and told her what's up, so she is going to try to call my cousin's mother and see if she can figure out what is going on from her perspective. At least now I'll have another adult relative helping with the situation and hopefully able to figure out what we should do. Because I am in way over my head here.

I told my cousin I love her so much and I promise I'll be here for her and help her in such a confusing situation. Aunt Not-her-mother and I will try to sort things out with her mom, but no matter what we will do everything we can to make sure she is safe. She cried in my arms for the better part of an hour. This is exhausting and confusing and difficult (yes I know it's much worse for her, sorry for complaining but the vent felt good) and I am FURIOUS at her mother if even a fraction of this turns out to be completely accurate. Who the heck talks to their kid that way???

Now I just have to figure out how I am going to do the 'making sure she's safe' bit that I promised her I would. It's what she needed to hear, and now it's what needs to happen.

I'm waiting for Aunt Oldest Sister to call me back after talking to Aunt Cousin's Mom (sorry this is so confusing!) and then once we have more information and someone else's perspective on the situation we are going to make a plan for where to go from here.

I canceled date night tomorrow and called my boss to take the day off work for a family emergency. Somehow I suspect we are going to be getting on a train (I don't drive due to vision impairments), whether that's to return cousin to her mother or to get her back in the jurisdiction of CPS in her home city if God forbid we decide that reporting to the authorities might be necessary. If not and she can just stay here while things cool down I'm not really sure what we're going to do but I don't feel right leaving her alone to go to work so I suppose I'll just try to make a long weekend vacation out of it for us.

God, what a mess.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, a lot going on. Your cousin is lucky to have you right now. Be strong and maybe call your Mom even if she is out of the country. Please keep us posted, good luck!!

[Anonymous]

You are doing a great job.
Listen and be present to her as you already are. You don't have to figure this situation out, you can't.
One thing you might do is connect her with someone at home who can be a support system when she goes back. Her school counselor is a possibility, or find out if her school has a GSA or similar group. You are very loving and supportive and providing safety at a time when this girl really needs it. She will never forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, a lot going on. Your cousin is lucky to have you right now. Be strong and maybe call your Mom even if she is out of the country. Please keep us posted, good luck!!

I will definitely call my mother at some point (she would want to know what's going on, this is a bit of a family crisis at this point, and as pathetic as it might sound I would really like to talk to my mom right now), but there's a huge time difference and I'm trying to hold off until it's outside of business hours. If I honestly thought she could do something that wasn't otherwise able to be accomplished I would call her immediately, because obviously my cousin is more important than a few hours of work, but at this point I think it can wait... I doubt I'll sleep well anyway tonight, so it won't be much of a hardship to get up in the middle of the night and call her in the afternoon her time.

[Anonymous]

Maybe tomorrow ask your niece what she thinks should happen next. (She's hoping you'll let her stay on with you.) You'll need to be very clear with her.

[Anonymous]

Op, former high school teacher here. This sort of thing happens pretty frequently. Child comes out as gay, or patent finds out child is possibly gay, parent flips out, beats child/child runs away, etc. I started a GSA with another teacher at the school I taught at and we all (sponsoring teachers) received special training on issues pertaining to LGBT youth, and this was one thing that was emphasized. It was many years ago in another state so I can't give you specific resources but I recommend reaching out to a local GSA.

[Anonymous]

OP. your cousin is so incredibly blessed to have you in her life! You seem very caring, kind, and wise.

[Anonymous]

Your cousin is really lucky to have you!

Your local chapter of PFLAG might have some good ideas for you: https://www.pflag.org

[Anonymous]

OP you are doing such a good job. And your cousin made a really good choice to run to a safe space, and not just run off into a dangerous situation. You're both making good choices.

I hope your cousin's mom gets some reality from her sisters.

In the meantime, unless you're worried about your aunt showing up unexpectedly and harassing your cousin, your cousin would probably be fine hanging out and watching netflix so you can go to work. Hopefully this will be resolved before monday, but just in case it's not.