Is it too much to ask for MIL and In Laws that like you?

[Anonymous]

I love my fiance dearly. He is the best man. However, his family has never warmed up to me or us as a couple. It doesn't help that we are an interracial couple. His mom and siblings and I are civil and cordial but we do not have a relationship tp speak of. I am fine with it when I do not think of it. However, when I see my friends and siblings with warm loving in laws and mother in laws who are actively encouraging of their relationships, I feel so crappy and jealous. Its worse because I am a natural people pleaser and I am generally well liked. Parents have usually adored me and cherished the fact that I was with their sons. It bugs me deeply that I am not accepted or loved by my potential in laws.

Does anyone else feel this way too?

[Anonymous]

Just out of curiosity, are you white and he's black?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just out of curiosity, are you white and he's black?

I am asian and he is white.

[Anonymous]

Oh okay, just curious. Well, I know it's going to be hard but I just wouldn't go out of my way to impress or even be around any family that didn't open up to me by the time an engagement was even on the table. If my in-laws were cold, I'd see them only when necessary, I'd be polite, offer to help at appropriate gatherings but that is all they'd get from me. The race aspect complicates it because people can be prejudiced or racist and not even know it, your fiancé will probably never tell you because he may not even realize it about his own family.

If your family is more warm and accepting of your fiancé, then they'll be who y'all will gravitate to throughout your relationship and those bonds will only strengthen over time, especially if/when you two have children.

Don't sweat it Op, just keep being you but don't stress yourself out trying to figure out why they're so stiff. Enjoy your fiancé and continue to nurture relationships with your own family and circle of friends.

[Anonymous]

They might warm up to you in time. Or they might not. Have you asked your fiance to tactfully ask how they feel about you?

My first set of in-laws did warm up to me over time, and I became very fond of them too. We were just very different and had to get used to each other.

My second set of in-laws have never really accepted me. They don't like that I'm a different race than they are and never can get past that. Decades and kids didn't change it.

[Anonymous]

Unless they're rude to you, I'd try to let it go. Even if you may not have a close bond, they will likely grow to respect you in time, which is really what matters. You can get the warm fuzzies from your own family, and from your fiance of course.

[Anonymous]

Civil and cordial is better than a lot of people get, OP. That is a great place from which to start. Be grateful, and give it time.

Signed, it took ten years for my MIL to chill out around me

[Anonymous]

Well OP- how are your parents and family with him? Just curious as I am Asian married to a white man and a number of my Asisn friends who also are in inter-racial relationships did not find their boyfriends/husbands welcomed with open arms.

It may be that your in-laws warm up in time - or when kids come (or not. I have one friend whose father disinherited her once she had kids with her non-Adsin husband). It may be the case that that they never move beyond cordial even with your children.

[Anonymous]

I'm half-Asian, half-white, and married someone from a different culture. I have never had much in common with my husband's family, yet they all like me, I can tell. We don't live in the same country, we don't have the same religion, yet my MIL has been nothing but supportive.

My advice is to be unfailingly kind and to be a wonderful listener. Your IL's are not obligated to love you, you need to earn it! In a few years, your relationship might evolve for the better. Play the long game, OP. Don't be a spoiled princess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm half-Asian, half-white, and married someone from a different culture. I have never had much in common with my husband's family, yet they all like me, I can tell. We don't live in the same country, we don't have the same religion, yet my MIL has been nothing but supportive.

My advice is to be unfailingly kind and to be a wonderful listener. Your IL's are not obligated to love you, you need to earn it! In a few years, your relationship might evolve for the better. Play the long game, OP. Don't be a spoiled princess.

Disagree. You MIL has more experience, MIL is supposed to be "wiser", OP. She should lead the family in being warm and welcoming - and there are more of them than you! For you to win everyone over, or even most or a few of them, takes a LOT of work. While I agree with some work on your part, it should not be mission impossible, which it seems like your IL's are making it. Racism or not, they should be nice to you. Heck, even young children know 'you don't have to LIKE them, but you do have to be nice." It's really not asking a lot, and it's really not that hard. Your MIL should know better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm half-Asian, half-white, and married someone from a different culture. I have never had much in common with my husband's family, yet they all like me, I can tell. We don't live in the same country, we don't have the same religion, yet my MIL has been nothing but supportive.

My advice is to be unfailingly kind and to be a wonderful listener. Your IL's are not obligated to love you, you need to earn it! In a few years, your relationship might evolve for the better. Play the long game, OP. Don't be a spoiled princess.

Disagree. You MIL has more experience, MIL is supposed to be "wiser", OP. She should lead the family in being warm and welcoming - and there are more of them than you! For you to win everyone over, or even most or a few of them, takes a LOT of work. While I agree with some work on your part, it should not be mission impossible, which it seems like your IL's are making it. Racism or not, they should be nice to you. Heck, even young children know 'you don't have to LIKE them, but you do have to be nice." It's really not asking a lot, and it's really not that hard. Your MIL should know better!

You didn't read the OP, did you? She writes that her MIL and the rest of the family are "civil and cordial" to her. Good God, what more does OP want?

[Anonymous]

Civil and cordial is just fine

You become the problem - you're too needy Op, if you make this a source of disappointment in your life/your marriage/life of others.

Create an extended family for yourself with people of your choosing.

[Anonymous]

I think the answer to this depends on how close your fiancé is with his family, and how much time you will have to spend with them after you are married. Sure, it's possible they will warm up to you, but it's also possible that they are racist or have other issues that influence their acceptance of you. They might also become a larger part of your life than you anticipate if you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Could it just be that they are reserved? My parents were civil and cordial with my husband (as friendly as they'd be with, say, any of my friends I invited over in high school) until they all got tipsy together Christmas a couple years into our marriage. Then it went from "your DH seems like a reliable guy who makes you happy" to "that DH, what a great guy! Remember when we talked about [I can't remember what] that Christmas?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm half-Asian, half-white, and married someone from a different culture. I have never had much in common with my husband's family, yet they all like me, I can tell. We don't live in the same country, we don't have the same religion, yet my MIL has been nothing but supportive.

My advice is to be unfailingly kind and to be a wonderful listener. Your IL's are not obligated to love you, you need to earn it! In a few years, your relationship might evolve for the better. Play the long game, OP. Don't be a spoiled princess.

Disagree. You MIL has more experience, MIL is supposed to be "wiser", OP. She should lead the family in being warm and welcoming - and there are more of them than you! For you to win everyone over, or even most or a few of them, takes a LOT of work. While I agree with some work on your part, it should not be mission impossible, which it seems like your IL's are making it. Racism or not, they should be nice to you. Heck, even young children know 'you don't have to LIKE them, but you do have to be nice." It's really not asking a lot, and it's really not that hard. Your MIL should know better!

MILs should know better but i really screwed up b/c i kept on wanting that and not always being the mature adult- i was pretty cold and distant. MILs are notoriously childish and immature and not wise at all. My MIL is Asian and my husband is her oldest son- she is really over attached (one of those women who thinks that a wife is the 'other' woman' in her son's life types). I wish I had played the long game and always been the wise and mature adult instead of just cutting her out b/c while i'm never going to be friends with this woman- she is borderline crazy and i don't respect her values as the person she has chosen to be but I know that while DH is totally on my side- he'd be a lot happier if I had always been mature and ignored her crazy drama instead of fighting fire with fire which i admit i did. Also he thinks she's crazy but she is still his mom and even if something is true- you don't need to say it. In someways she has destroyed our relationship b/c its one thing that when i vent about it he doesn't want to hear it b/c its his mom and i cannot be married to someone who after 10 years sighs and says "it is what it is".