Relationship with Alcoholic

[Anonymous]

My fiance just started going to AA. I attended a meeting with him for the first time last night. (not his first meeting) I am an atheist. I kinda knew they had some sort of thing about a "higher power", but I did not know how pushy they were about God, and Christ and salvation. If he wants to start going to church, as he said, that's fine, but that is a non-starter for me. I will not go and that was made abundantly clear to him from before we were even dating that I have and will not have any part of organized religion. But I got a very Scientology "hostile person" vibe about me not going along with the church thing after the meeting when chatting with my fiance, his sponsor and his sponsor's wife.

Also, I know you don't want to kick a man while he's down, but they kept on telling him not to beat himself up over a relapse he recently had, where he crashed his car and could've killed himself or someone else...ummm, yea, I don't think that's something to just gloss over to protect his feelings?! And I'm not allowed to voice my feelings to him either of how his behaviors affect me when he is intoxicated, because he's so fragile and it's piling on?? So I just need to not say anything about anything so as to not make him feel bad about himself?

Is this what AA is about, or is this just a weird group and perhaps he should try somewhere else?

A final thing, he also says that I shouldn't drink. I agreed to not drink at home or when we are out together and not bring anything into the home. But he said never, not even when we aren't together, not for special occasions, vacations, weddings, girl trips, etc. Since he is sober, I need to be as well. When I said I don't think that sounds right, that I don't think alcoholics make everyone around them sober too, and maybe he should bring that up at one of his meetings, he said he would, but that it won't go over very well for me.

Any advice anyone has who themselves is a recovering alcoholic and knows how AA works would be helpful, or a spouse whose husband or wife attends meetings, please offer some input/help. I don't even know where to begin with this. He needs not to drink and AA seems to be the recommended way of doing that.

[Anonymous]

Have you looked into Al-Anon? That's the group for family and friends.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't be dating an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't be dating an alcoholic.

Well, I didn't start dating him while he was in AA. We've been together for years, are engaged, and his drinking escalated to the point of alcoholism. Am I supposed to dump him?

[Anonymous]

I've been in recovery in AA 25 plus years. Sounds like his sponsor is religious. Religion is not part of the program. Finding a power greater than yourself is, because we alcoholics don't have power over our desire to drink. We drink when we shouldn't and can't predict how much we'll drink.

Don't get married anytime soon. Go to 6 al-anon meetings, not all the same one. Ask in the al-anon meeting "Who is a good person for me to talk to? My fiancé is trying to get sober. ". Nothing wrong with therapy, either.

Your fiancé sounds very manipulative and controlling. Focus on what are YOUR needs, and are they being met?

FWIW I started going to church after many years and never mention it in meetings. (People are free to ask me and I'll tell them). I know people who are Jewish, Muslim, agnostic, Buddhists, Taoists, everything. AA encourages seeking with an open mind. " God of YOUR understanding."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiance just started going to AA. I attended a meeting with him for the first time last night. (not his first meeting) I am an atheist. I kinda knew they had some sort of thing about a "higher power", but I did not know how pushy they were about God, and Christ and salvation. If he wants to start going to church, as he said, that's fine, but that is a non-starter for me. I will not go and that was made abundantly clear to him from before we were even dating that I have and will not have any part of organized religion. But I got a very Scientology "hostile person" vibe about me not going along with the church thing after the meeting when chatting with my fiance, his sponsor and his sponsor's wife.

Also, I know you don't want to kick a man while he's down, but they kept on telling him not to beat himself up over a relapse he recently had, where he crashed his car and could've killed himself or someone else...ummm, yea, I don't think that's something to just gloss over to protect his feelings?! And I'm not allowed to voice my feelings to him either of how his behaviors affect me when he is intoxicated, because he's so fragile and it's piling on?? So I just need to not say anything about anything so as to not make him feel bad about himself?

Is this what AA is about, or is this just a weird group and perhaps he should try somewhere else?

A final thing, he also says that I shouldn't drink. I agreed to not drink at home or when we are out together and not bring anything into the home. But he said never, not even when we aren't together, not for special occasions, vacations, weddings, girl trips, etc. Since he is sober, I need to be as well. When I said I don't think that sounds right, that I don't think alcoholics make everyone around them sober too, and maybe he should bring that up at one of his meetings, he said he would, but that it won't go over very well for me.

Any advice anyone has who themselves is a recovering alcoholic and knows how AA works would be helpful, or a spouse whose husband or wife attends meetings, please offer some input/help. I don't even know where to begin with this. He needs not to drink and AA seems to be the recommended way of doing that.

I'm married to an alcoholic who has been sober for almost 5 years. You need to put a hold on this wedding. AA meetings can be very different from meeting to meeting. Some are religious, some are not. Your "higher power" can be anything. You can give yourself up to nature walks if that's what works for you. If religion/church is what works for him, then he needs to 100% use that tool to get sober. If he needs you to go with him to get sober and you don't want to go, DON'T GO. His recovery is HIS recovery. He cannot rely on you to do it with him. He needs to stand on his own. Demanding that you stop drinking when you're nowhere near him in my mind is unreasonable and is evidence that he is relying on you too much to support his sobriety. If he wants to get sober, his sobriety has to be the absolute first thing in his life. You cannot be.

The reason people are telling him not to dwell on the recent relapse is because if you dwell on your relapses, you will relapse again. It is a shame spiral. You think "I'm an awful person. I did these horrible things." And then you drink again because you can't live with the shame of it. He knows that what he did was terrible and it is unlikely he needs you to tell him this. He needs to move forward so he can focus on what he can be, not on what he has done.

Finally, please read up on this disease. Before the last relapse, how long had he been sober? Alcoholics are operating with a diseased brain and if he had been actively drinking recently, he is not functioning like a healthy person, even if he looks and sounds like he is. This is not a good place to start a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't be dating an alcoholic.

Well, I didn't start dating him while he was in AA. We've been together for years, are engaged, and his drinking escalated to the point of alcoholism. Am I supposed to dump him?

No, but you should marry him just because it's the next logical step in your traditional chain of inertia. He is not well. He needs to focus on recovery right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in recovery in AA 25 plus years. Sounds like his sponsor is religious. Religion is not part of the program. Finding a power greater than yourself is, because we alcoholics don't have power over our desire to drink. We drink when we shouldn't and can't predict how much we'll drink.

Don't get married anytime soon. Go to 6 al-anon meetings, not all the same one. Ask in the al-anon meeting "Who is a good person for me to talk to? My fiancé is trying to get sober. ". Nothing wrong with therapy, either.

Your fiancé sounds very manipulative and controlling. Focus on what are YOUR needs, and are they being met?

FWIW I started going to church after many years and never mention it in meetings. (People are free to ask me and I'll tell them). I know people who are Jewish, Muslim, agnostic, Buddhists, Taoists, everything. AA encourages seeking with an open mind. " God of YOUR understanding."

Wedding plans are definitely on hold, we have no date set and aren't even talking about it at this point. Thank you for the al-anon suggestion. I also feel like sometimes he is using his attempt to get sober to control me, and then guilt me like "If you want me to be sober, you'd do...."

Finally, please read up on this disease. Before the last relapse, how long had he been sober? Alcoholics are operating with a diseased brain and if he had been actively drinking recently, he is not functioning like a healthy person, even if he looks and sounds like he is. This is not a good place to start a marriage.

He had just started going to meetings, he was doing 90 in 90, and I think was closing in on 30 days. And I had to go away for 4 days. And while I was gone, he got drunk, crashed his car and passed out.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have nothing to say except good luck. I am wishing you well, because this isn't easy, I know.

[Anonymous]

All AA is like that. It is a crazy cult and it doesn't work. Ask Google about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All AA is like that. It is a crazy cult and it doesn't work. Ask Google about it.

+1 I predict this doesn't mix well with the atheist pov about reality - AA involves a LOT of magical thinking...kind of like alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

The success rate of AA is very low.

He made a choice to drink and drive. That shows very bad judgment above and beyond the alcoholism.

He told you that you can never drink. That shows he is controlling and has not internalized his own need to stop drinking.

In essence, there could not be any more red flags. This guy is a total disaster for you, you deserve better, and the sooner you break off the engagement and dump his sorry ass the better.

Not to mention the whole god thing. That alone would be a non-starter for me...

Would you not rather be alone than with some booze-fueled god-bothering tyrant?

[Anonymous]

Good grief. The OP is hurting and trying to figure out what to do. No need to get medieval on her.

[Anonymous]

My mom and all of her brothers are/were (one killed himself) alcoholics. Run from this man. I don't have a problem drinking btw and I've never been an alcoholic, but I've lived with one and watched it destroy 4 families.

Break it off, block his number and move on in your life to a better place. His problem IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you having a drink or even getting blitzed in a safe environment. You aren't an alcoholic.

Leave him and move on with your life. Especially if he's getting religious on you. That would be the death blow for me. If dw became a god loving boozer and that was her heart's desire, it would over for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiance just started going to AA. I attended a meeting with him for the first time last night. (not his first meeting) I am an atheist. I kinda knew they had some sort of thing about a "higher power", but I did not know how pushy they were about God, and Christ and salvation. If he wants to start going to church, as he said, that's fine, but that is a non-starter for me. I will not go and that was made abundantly clear to him from before we were even dating that I have and will not have any part of organized religion. But I got a very Scientology "hostile person" vibe about me not going along with the church thing after the meeting when chatting with my fiance, his sponsor and his sponsor's wife.

Also, I know you don't want to kick a man while he's down, but they kept on telling him not to beat himself up over a relapse he recently had, where he crashed his car and could've killed himself or someone else...ummm, yea, I don't think that's something to just gloss over to protect his feelings?! And I'm not allowed to voice my feelings to him either of how his behaviors affect me when he is intoxicated, because he's so fragile and it's piling on?? So I just need to not say anything about anything so as to not make him feel bad about himself?

Is this what AA is about, or is this just a weird group and perhaps he should try somewhere else?

A final thing, he also says that I shouldn't drink. I agreed to not drink at home or when we are out together and not bring anything into the home. But he said never, not even when we aren't together, not for special occasions, vacations, weddings, girl trips, etc. Since he is sober, I need to be as well. When I said I don't think that sounds right, that I don't think alcoholics make everyone around them sober too, and maybe he should bring that up at one of his meetings, he said he would, but that it won't go over very well for me.

Any advice anyone has who themselves is a recovering alcoholic and knows how AA works would be helpful, or a spouse whose husband or wife attends meetings, please offer some input/help. I don't even know where to begin with this. He needs not to drink and AA seems to be the recommended way of doing that.

The bolded is what I would be concerned about, OP. Firstly, if your husband has decided that he is going to embrace religion in his life, that is fine. I know a lot of people have found it very helpful. In general, I'm not against interfaith marriages and am myself married to someone religious while not being religious, but your situation sounds like a recipe for disaster. If my DH wants to go to church, that is fine. If he wants to take DD, that is fine too. I'm not interested in going but don't have any beef with it as long as he's not treating people badly and justifying it with his faith. When my husband first stopped drinking, he asked that we could please not have alcohol in our house and asked me to not get drunk around him. I thought those were reasonable requests, and we didn't go to parties, bars, happy hours, etc. a lot that first year. It was good for me too, because we had been drinking heavily together and I didn't realize how unhealthy I was until I started getting healthier. But he had NO problem with me going out with friends, and as time went on, he was the designated driver for a number of things. This was about 4 years ago.

If your husband needs you to basically act as though you are also an alcoholic to be supportive of his recovery, to me, that is symptomatic of his addiction. He will at some point have to get to a point where he can be around alcohol and not drink it. Burying his head in the sober sand and pretending that you don't participate in champagne toasts or have cocktails with your girlfriends is not going to help him RECOVER. It probably won't even help him stop drinking.