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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My fiance just started going to AA. I attended a meeting with him for the first time last night. (not his first meeting) I am an atheist. I kinda knew they had some sort of thing about a "higher power", but I did not know how pushy they were about God, and Christ and salvation. If he wants to start going to church, as he said, that's fine, but that is a non-starter for me. I will not go and that was made abundantly clear to him from before we were even dating that I have and will not have any part of organized religion. But I got a very Scientology "hostile person" vibe about me not going along with the church thing after the meeting when chatting with my fiance, his sponsor and his sponsor's wife.

Also, I know you don't want to kick a man while he's down, but they kept on telling him not to beat himself up over a relapse he recently had, where he crashed his car and could've killed himself or someone else...ummm, yea, I don't think that's something to just gloss over to protect his feelings?! And I'm not allowed to voice my feelings to him either of how his behaviors affect me when he is intoxicated, because he's so fragile and it's piling on?? So I just need to not say anything about anything so as to not make him feel bad about himself?

Is this what AA is about, or is this just a weird group and perhaps he should try somewhere else?

A final thing, he also says that I shouldn't drink. I agreed to not drink at home or when we are out together and not bring anything into the home. But he said never, not even when we aren't together, not for special occasions, vacations, weddings, girl trips, etc. Since he is sober, I need to be as well. When I said I don't think that sounds right, that I don't think alcoholics make everyone around them sober too, and maybe he should bring that up at one of his meetings, he said he would, but that it won't go over very well for me.

Any advice anyone has who themselves is a recovering alcoholic and knows how AA works would be helpful, or a spouse whose husband or wife attends meetings, please offer some input/help. I don't even know where to begin with this. He needs not to drink and AA seems to be the recommended way of doing that.[/quote]

I'm married to an alcoholic who has been sober for almost 5 years.  You need to put a hold on this wedding.  AA meetings can be very different from meeting to meeting.  Some are religious, some are not.  Your "higher power" can be anything.  You can give yourself up to nature walks if that's what works for you.  If religion/church is what works for him, then he needs to 100% use that tool to get sober.  If he needs you to go with him to get sober and you don't want to go, DON'T GO.  His recovery is HIS recovery.  He cannot rely on you to do it with him.  He needs to stand on his own.  Demanding that you stop drinking when you're nowhere near him in my mind is unreasonable and is evidence that he is relying on you too much to support his sobriety.  If he wants to get sober, his sobriety has to be the absolute first thing in his life.  You cannot be.

The reason people are telling him not to dwell on the recent relapse is because if you dwell on your relapses, you will relapse again.  It is a shame spiral.  You think "I'm an awful person.  I did these horrible things."  And then you drink again because you can't live with the shame of it.  He knows that what he did was terrible and it is unlikely he needs you to tell him this.  He needs to move forward so he can focus on what he can be, not on what he has done.

Finally, please read up on this disease.  Before the last relapse, how long had he been sober?  Alcoholics are operating with a diseased brain and if he had been actively drinking recently, he is not functioning like a healthy person, even if he looks and sounds like he is.  This is not a good place to start a marriage.  [/quote]

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