DC "thinks" they are gay and I have questions

[Anonymous]

The way this was worded was "I'm gay, or at least bisexual, or not sure." DC is 13.

My questions (for now) are:
-how can I support my child? Our family has always voiced loud and clear support for LGBT rights but there's no else in the family who's gay that we know of and no one else we're even close to that DC could identify with or go to to talk things through. We've told our child very clearly that this is no more newsworthy than a food preference as far as we're concerned and that our love is unconditional, but I'm very worried about what DC will encounter in the outside world.

-should DC refrain from telling outsiders until high school is over? A couple of friends apparently know so far, and no bullying has resulted, but I worry.

-with regards to the "not sure" part, DC has had a series of crushes since 1st grade and a fleeting teenage relationship last year (hugs and flirting and kisses), all with members of the opposite sex. The relationship last year seemed to really set DC's heart aflutter and when the other teen moved away and didn't keep in touch, DC seemed crushed. So the announcement that DC had a same sex crush this year came as quite a surprise, and DC doesn't seem to be nearly as emotionally invested this year. In fact, this one was mentioned rather matter-of-factly. Is this normal? Could DC be just exploring on the rebound?

-is there a better place (more accepting) for DC to live long term than the U.S.? I'm thinking as many or more rights and less of the vitriolic, religion-inspired hatred we find here. We're not poor and I'm perfectly ok with starting to lay down the pieces to enable my kid to have as "normal" a life as DC would as a heterosexual here. How do Western/Northern European countries, Canada, Australia fare compared to the U.S.?

[Anonymous]

Ok, clearly your kid being gay/bi is NOT the same as your kid preferring salmon to tilapia, OP. Admit that to yourself, and forgive yourself. It's true for pretty much everyone, and it's ok. You're obviously a caring parent who loves DC unconditionally. You don't have to minimize this just to prove it.

Second, take a deep breath. Sexual identity, not lightswitch. Please do not start researching gay-friendly colleges in the Netherlands.

Now, congratulate yourself for having the kind of relationship with your kid that enables DC to share this with you. When I was 13 and crushing on my same sex camp counselor (I'm a lesbian now, FWIW), my mother was the last person I ever would have told.

Finally, keep talking to DC -- without giving DC the sense that you expect this issue to be decided once and for all. IOW, do not start telling friends your kid is gay or flying rainbow flags on pride day. Give your DC the space to explore this for as long as it takes, and go along with whatever twists and turns that occur along the way.

That said, as DCUM as discussed many times before, the rules do change for a gay/bi kid with regard to sleepovers and that kind of thing. Communicate your expectations. You're still the parent.

Good luck, OP. You'll do great. I envy your kid.

[Anonymous]

I can't answer your resettlement Q but my DC is also 13 and also came out to us LY as bi. Then just same sex (gay). DC has dated opposite gender prior to id'ing as bi. DC came out last fall as bi to a few friends, as gay to more ppl this winter, and is recently coming out to our extended family this summer on trips. Currently has same sex dating friend.

My advice would be to follow your child's lead on the coming-out process. My DC was hurt when some friends were homophobic (in response to bi coming out in fall). But, telling your child NOT to come out, even if trying to protect them, is not supportive. I wouldn't push your child one way or another. And we did help our child navigate the process (e.g. warning DC that friends were realistically, quite likely to talk about this since DC thought telling just a few friends might be possible). We also haven't rushed it and really supported DC coming out at own pace with extended family. I also recognize that my DC is evolving. I try to maintain for DC that a)retaining the right to change and evolve is good (and not in a homophobic 'you might be hetero after you experiment' condescending way, which DC is very sensitive to as in 'you wouldn't tell a straight kid who says they want to marry a prince or princess when they grow up that it's just a phase...') and b)people are not always accepting or kind when they are confronted with difference, and we are here to support you. DC's grandmother and grandfather just reacted in a tremendously supportive way when we saw them on vacation so that was great. The friends who gossiped about how DC might have a crush on them -- telling each other to watch out! & then finger pointing at the other when busted -- hurt DC deeply. But I think DC gets that some ppl are true friends & some aren't, and that DC has time to grow up. We just keep telling her, "you be you" and "we hope you are lucky enough when you are older to find someone you love" and try to help DC feel supported. We literally just bought rainbow towels for the whole family (thank you Target!) to go to the beach & it made DC very happy.

[Anonymous]

17:59 here agree with PP -- don't tell your friends or family. This is DC's identity and s/he gets to decide when/how to share that info.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for starting this thread, OP. Our daughter came out as bi to me earlier this year and I have my doubts, but I am certainly not voicing them. I am also not telling family members since it is her news to share if she wants to. I have told a couple of my friends more as a measure of asking for advice for me on how to handle things. I have a very close friend who is gay and when I told her, her comment was, "Probably not." I know she has told a couple of her friends from school. I believe that one of her friends from school has hurt her feelings, but I don't have confirmation of it.

When she initially told me, I definitely stumbled around for a bit, but I finally hit on, "it doesn't matter what you are to us, we love you no matter what." When one of her friends texted her to ask how it went, she told her friend the above and she and her friend seemed to like the sentiment.

[Anonymous]

http://www.mykidisgay.com

Been following the evolution of the above website/community for a couple of years. Seriously wish my parents had this resource when I came out 15+ years ago.

[Anonymous]

PFLAG is a great organization and can hopefully be a useful resource for you:

https://www.pflag.org/Family

[Anonymous]

You say that this has no more impact than your child's food preferences, then a few bullets later you ask about the possibility of moving to a foreign country. So clearly it _does_ worry you, and that is ok. Don't minimize this.

[Anonymous]

This may not be a popular opinion, but I think we've emphasized sexuality, especially for younger kids, that we haven't left room to recognize that you can have feelings of friendship and affection for someone, without it being about sex.

I consider myself gay-friendly and open to people of varying orientations, but it bothers me that a 12 or 13 year old feels pressured to put a sexual label on their feelings. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, op, but I think it's a pressure that surrounds all our kids these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:http://www.mykidisgay.com

Been following the evolution of the above website/community for a couple of years. Seriously wish my parents had this resource when I came out 15+ years ago.

A bit late, but when I saw this thread pop up again, it reminded me to thank you for that link. I'm not the OP, but I'm in the same situation and that site has been really helpful to me in understanding what DC may be feeling and how I can best offer support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may not be a popular opinion, but I think we've emphasized sexuality, especially for younger kids, that we haven't left room to recognize that you can have feelings of friendship and affection for someone, without it being about sex.

I consider myself gay-friendly and open to people of varying orientations, but it bothers me that a 12 or 13 year old feels pressured to put a sexual label on their feelings. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, op, but I think it's a pressure that surrounds all our kids these days.

Do you say the same thing to kids who identify as straight at 13?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may not be a popular opinion, but I think we've emphasized sexuality, especially for younger kids, that we haven't left room to recognize that you can have feelings of friendship and affection for someone, without it being about sex.

I consider myself gay-friendly and open to people of varying orientations, but it bothers me that a 12 or 13 year old feels pressured to put a sexual label on their feelings. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, op, but I think it's a pressure that surrounds all our kids these days.

Do you say the same thing to kids who identify as straight at 13?

Actually yes. I don't think we should be pressuring 13 year olds to identify themselves by the gender of the person they want to have sex with. Too much labeling, too much sex for kids that age. They should be allowed to explore friendships with kids of either gender without the sense that friendship and affection automatically means sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may not be a popular opinion, but I think we've emphasized sexuality, especially for younger kids, that we haven't left room to recognize that you can have feelings of friendship and affection for someone, without it being about sex.

I consider myself gay-friendly and open to people of varying orientations, but it bothers me that a 12 or 13 year old feels pressured to put a sexual label on their feelings. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, op, but I think it's a pressure that surrounds all our kids these days.

Do you say the same thing to kids who identify as straight at 13?

Actually yes. I don't think we should be pressuring 13 year olds to identify themselves by the gender of the person they want to have sex with. Too much labeling, too much sex for kids that age. They should be allowed to explore friendships with kids of either gender without the sense that friendship and affection automatically means sex.

I "knew" I was straight in third grade when I had my first real crush on a boy on my class. (Ok, before that, I had a crush on Micky Dolenz from The Monkeys when I was five. Don't judge.) I wasn't pressured to identify or label myself; I didn't have sexual feelings; I just knew I liked this boy as more than a friend, and that became a pattern. This was 1987, so there's no way anyone was remotely talking about kids' gender identities or sexual orientation, by the way.

What I'm saying is, kids know. They know. And they might be saying it earlier than they used to--and talking about their feelings, understanding that gender and sexuality can be fluid--but many of us don't see anything wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may not be a popular opinion, but I think we've emphasized sexuality, especially for younger kids, that we haven't left room to recognize that you can have feelings of friendship and affection for someone, without it being about sex.

I consider myself gay-friendly and open to people of varying orientations, but it bothers me that a 12 or 13 year old feels pressured to put a sexual label on their feelings. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, op, but I think it's a pressure that surrounds all our kids these days.

Just to chime in as an adult woman. At many points in my life I've felt strong physical attraction to certain women. I don't have a type...exactly. But, here I am living a hetero life with no interest in pursuing a relationship/romance/night with another woman. I grew up in a time when we didn't have to label who we were at every step. This very well may be step in a coming out process. No doubt. And, congrats again on having such a trusting relationship with your DC that they feel they can share these feelings with you. Please leave room and remain guided by DC's path. My earliest crush was in second grade. We even kissed in the closet when the other kids were on the playground. It wouldn't have occurred to me to label myself then, or in high school when I crushed on a girl with cornflower hair (the one who breaks the type). College was a huge opportunity to enjoy the company of women (think Vassar or Smith). Nope. It never happened for me. Maybe this is some of what people refer to as the fluidity of sexuality? Allow that maybe your DC is going through the same. You follow, wherever it may lead.

Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may not be a popular opinion, but I think we've emphasized sexuality, especially for younger kids, that we haven't left room to recognize that you can have feelings of friendship and affection for someone, without it being about sex.

I consider myself gay-friendly and open to people of varying orientations, but it bothers me that a 12 or 13 year old feels pressured to put a sexual label on their feelings. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, op, but I think it's a pressure that surrounds all our kids these days.

Just to chime in as an adult woman. At many points in my life I've felt strong physical attraction to certain women. I don't have a type...exactly. But, here I am living a hetero life with no interest in pursuing a relationship/romance/night with another woman. I grew up in a time when we didn't have to label who we were at every step. This very well may be step in a coming out process. No doubt. And, congrats again on having such a trusting relationship with your DC that they feel they can share these feelings with you. Please leave room and remain guided by DC's path. My earliest crush was in second grade. We even kissed in the closet when the other kids were on the playground. It wouldn't have occurred to me to label myself then, or in high school when I crushed on a girl with cornflower hair (the one who breaks the type). College was a huge opportunity to enjoy the company of women (think Vassar or Smith). Nope. It never happened for me. Maybe this is some of what people refer to as the fluidity of sexuality? Allow that maybe your DC is going through the same. You follow, wherever it may lead.

Just my two cents.

100% agree and could have wrote it myself. But really OP. Be proud. I know a mom who still won't accept her son is gay. He is 31 and came out at 15. Your kid is lucky to have your support.