Third trimester and can't stop fighting with DH about money

[Anonymous]

I'm looking for some advice and support about the current situation that is going on between DH and myself. I am currently heavily pregnant with our third baby. Our other two children are under the age of 5 so we have a pretty busy house. I work part time (5-10 hours a week) and DH has a good job in the medical field. He currently manages all of our finances because he says he finds it enjoyable and a personal interest of his. However, for the past three months in our a row our checking/savings account has been COMPLETELY wiped out by the timing of our mortgage payments and credit card bills (we pay off our credit card each month). The first month, our mortgage was deducted twice due to an error he made with scheduling automatic payments, and these payments apparently continue to surprise him each month.

Every time this happens, I have a ton of anxiety about not having any cash available in case of an emergency. Its so severe that I need to cancel any babysitters or cash only appointments that I have made for us until the next payday. We are aggressively paying off my student loan debt and I am begging him to take some of that money and put it in an emergency fund so that this problem can stop happening. He replies that it is more important to pay off debt and he wishes that I were on the same page with him about our finances right now. (i.e., agreeing with him that paying off student loan debt as the priority). Last night I started crying while he were talking about it, and he totally ignored me and said that I should stop criticizing him about role in our finances (I am suggesting/insisting we see a financial planner together to get things straightened out).

I am so overwhelmed and upset by his behavior, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to share these intimate details of our finances with friends or family members. He is generally a good person, and his motivations are good (saving for retirement, paying off debt, saving for kids college), but he does not listen to my concerns about our finances. He does not overspend or even spend much on himself. Please help me! I am so pregnant, have severely limited my career and earning potential for the time being to raise our family, and now I feel so trapped. I can't stop crying about it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. Sounds like you guys need to see a marriage counselor (FIRST) in addition to a financial planner. If he doesn't listen to you, seeing a financial planner won't help.

It's also questionable whether he is good at this. It may be of interest, but he may be wrongly prioritizing certain things, at least at this point with a 3rd baby coming.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, hugs to you during this stressful time. It looks like this issue is more of a cash flow timing problem, not actual budget problem, correct? If the payments went out correctly, you wouldn't be short on cash?

Assuming so, I think you're right that you need to sit down and change your automatic payments so that you don't run out of money before the end of the month. Do you not have any emergency fund? If not, an emergency would have to go on a credit card which is a higher rate than your student loan, correct? Even if he's taken responsibility for managing finances right now, and earns more than you, your joint finances are still a joint responsibility that you have a say in also.

I think he's right that you are probably coming across as critical and emotional instead of constructive. I have this exact same problem when I get overwhelmed. My very reasonable points get overwhelmed by crying, yelling, emotions. Let alone when you're in your third trimester! That's a crazy time no matter what! What I do is try to recognize when I've gotten too upset to communicate effectively, and drop the subject until a later time. Again, I think you are definitely right about the finances, but your message is getting lost. And it's exhausting to get so upset all of the time!

I say, "I'm upset about this but am getting too worked up to talk to you right now. I want to talk about this later, but need your help keeping calm. Can we please talk later?" Not sure if being that direct would work in your house, but sometimes I need to hit my DH over the head with what I need from him.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

So take $100 out in cash and keep it in your purse or nightstand for emergencies.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'll share my personal issues with this in the event it's helpful to you. In my case, I'm the sole breadwinner and my husband is a SAHD. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure related to money and finances, and I can't help but feel defensive when he raises money management suggestions. I know he isn't attacking me, and I try to work through my own hang-ups about money, but despite this I sometimes find myself shutting down when he brings up money issues. I think I cope with the pressure and anxiety by ignoring the issue, and him bringing it up forces me to deal with something that I'm just not equipped to confront in the moment.

Obviously, I'm the one with the issue in my family (luckily we have enough income that it isn't a cash flow problem -- more long term savings and investment priorities), but I thought I'd share in case any of my reaction sounds similar to what your husband is dealing with.

[Anonymous]

I don't know that you have a real financial problem. After all, if he had properly timed the payments, you all would be fine. It sounds as though he is not good at managing the finances and doesn't want to hear you whining about it. If his goals are all reasonable (paying down debt, etc...), I'd just hoard cash. It doesn't sound like he'd miss it! Or you can offer to start managing the finances.

And yes, a marriage counselor should be first on the agenda.

[Anonymous]

Try Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University. You guys are close to being on the same page, you're just off a bit on the mechanics. Dave would have you start with $1000 in emergency savings, so you have a little cash cushion. And Dave is big on the husband and wife being a team thing.

How much is left on the student loans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So take $100 out in cash and keep it in your purse or nightstand for emergencies.

+1 -- Or $500. Let him be the one worried about cash for once, when it isn't there when he expected it to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'll share my personal issues with this in the event it's helpful to you. In my case, I'm the sole breadwinner and my husband is a SAHD. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure related to money and finances, and I can't help but feel defensive when he raises money management suggestions. I know he isn't attacking me, and I try to work through my own hang-ups about money, but despite this I sometimes find myself shutting down when he brings up money issues. I think I cope with the pressure and anxiety by ignoring the issue, and him bringing it up forces me to deal with something that I'm just not equipped to confront in the moment.

Obviously, I'm the one with the issue in my family (luckily we have enough income that it isn't a cash flow problem -- more long term savings and investment priorities), but I thought I'd share in case any of my reaction sounds similar to what your husband is dealing with.

FWIW, I'm also pregnant with my third with a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I'm kind of a wreck in general

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So take $100 out in cash and keep it in your purse or nightstand for emergencies.

+1 -- Or $500. Let him be the one worried about cash for once, when it isn't there when he expected it to be.

OP here- this is genius! I will absolutely be doing this next month...maybe around $300. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner?! Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'll share my personal issues with this in the event it's helpful to you. In my case, I'm the sole breadwinner and my husband is a SAHD. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure related to money and finances, and I can't help but feel defensive when he raises money management suggestions. I know he isn't attacking me, and I try to work through my own hang-ups about money, but despite this I sometimes find myself shutting down when he brings up money issues. I think I cope with the pressure and anxiety by ignoring the issue, and him bringing it up forces me to deal with something that I'm just not equipped to confront in the moment.

Obviously, I'm the one with the issue in my family (luckily we have enough income that it isn't a cash flow problem -- more long term savings and investment priorities), but I thought I'd share in case any of my reaction sounds similar to what your husband is dealing with.

FWIW, I'm also pregnant with my third with a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I'm kind of a wreck in general

Op here- Thank you so much for sharing! This is a piece of it from his end as well. You get the ultimate pass on behavior though with working full time and being pregnant again. I hope people are pampering you!

[Anonymous]

Early in our marriage, how to manage it finances was our biggest fight. What helped us was using the You Need A Budget software which syncs via the Web and apps. It also stresses that you live on last month's money not this month's and that every dollar is assigned a job which helps eliminate some of the cash flow issues.

[Anonymous]

We also use and love YNAB. It takes discipline but We are much less stressed about money now that we can plan our budget and purchases together.

[Anonymous]

I would question why a double payment was made on the mortgage. The way online banking works, you set up an automatic payment, and unless you modify it or add one, it doesn't double.

You need to sit with him and have him show you what online banking looks like.

I have never understood why couples can't sit down at the kitchen table on the weekend, laptop in hand, bills in hand, checkbook (if you are old school) in hand, and discuss everything from the week.

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight. You guys don't have an emergency fund not because you can't afford to but because you actively choose not to? That's insane. What if he loses his job or becomes ill and can't work for a while? Before paying off the debt you need at least 3 months of an emergency fund. Unless, I suppose, you have rich family members that will bail you out which apparently is somewhat common around here.