I Love My Son But.......

[Anonymous]

I have a 24yr. old son who just graduated from college.

He graduated from a popular University about eight hrs. away from where I live (and he was raised.)

He came down for a 5-day visit last week, but is choosing to live in the city where he graduated because he has a new job out there.

I only see him about 2 or 3x a yr. and always have the same issues.
We are an "Odd Couple."

I have always liked my home clean & neat as a pin. Even more so with my empty nest. (I live alone.)

Yet when he visits, he is a huge slob.
He gets my floors filthy because he walks outside barefoot, then doesn't even wipe them before entering.
He leaves his dirty clothes, boxers, socks, wet towels on the floor.
He doesn't wash any of his dirty dishes, he'll leave them in the sink or on the kitchen table.

He even leaves his food wrappers, empty boxes + cans/bottles around the house.

Cupboards and cabinets are left open, there is a mess on the stove, etc.

I think you get the picture here.

Should I a). Let it all go since it only happens 2x a yr.?
Just be grateful that I have this time with him and enjoy it and try to forget about the huge mess at home??

Or b). Tell him that he is welcome to stay with me when he visits, but is expected to be a good houseguest regardless that he is my son.
That he is still expected not to disrupt the home.

In all honesty, I have been dreading his visits due to this issue.

Your thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Well Eminem Nanny why didn't you raise him
better?

[Anonymous]

I'd say let it go during the actual visit, so as not to spoil your time together.

But, next time he is making plans to visit, say or e-mail something like: "Josh, I love having you visit, and when you do, I promise to let 'little things' go around the house. But I want you to know that I expect you to treat me and my house with respect. Please clean up after yourself and do your best to help out. I think this will help us both relax and enjoy each other's company more."

[Anonymous]

I am more disturbed by the fact that he is only 8 hours away and you see him 2-3 times a year. My parents live 10 hrs away by plane and I see them more often.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you didn't figure this out when he was a child.
Who raised him to be this way?

I expect my children (11 and 6) as well as my husband, to pick up after themselves and not track anything from outside. We don't use shoes in the house anyway.
My 6 year old putsher dirty dishes in the sink, my 11 year old rinses his and puts them in the dishwasher. They place their dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, and their trash in the trashcan.

All this is learned, OP, and there is no reason why your adult son cannot learn this also. Just tell him next time.

[Anonymous]

I rarely see him due to finances mostly.

He had been living on student loans and I am on a small budget.

I must not have been as strict as I should have regarding chores so yes, to an extent I feel that I definitely am to blame for his behavior.

I acknowledge this.
My main question is what do I do NOW????

I cannot re-do my past mistakes, so am I doomed to his messy ways for the rest of my life?

If so, yikes!

[Anonymous]

Let it go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I rarely see him due to finances mostly. He had been living on student loans and I am on a small budget. I must not have been as strict as I should have regarding chores so yes, to an extent I feel that I definitely am to blame for his behavior. I acknowledge this. My main question is what do I do NOW????

I cannot re-do my past mistakes, so am I doomed to his messy ways for the rest of my life? If so, yikes!

My son is 24 also. There are "house rules" in any house I live in. Rules like "if you make a mess, you clean it up." and "if you see a mess, you clean it up." OP, have you gone to visit him? Is this how he treats his living space when nobody is there to clean it up? I assume he will pull his shit together when he gets a romantic interest. Nobody will be romantically attracted to someone who lives like a slob.

I think you should say something to him after he leaves. Jason I love getting to see you, but the way you treat the house is really disrespectful and immature of you. You track dirt inside on the bottoms of your feet, you leave garbage all over the house, don't clean up your dishes or food after cooking or eating, and these things need to stop. I would NEVER come to your home and make it a mess. Next time you come, you can't do that to this house." Then next time he's coming, write out a list of "house rules." Then if he doesn't respect those, after he leaves tell him it breaks your heart but next time he comes to town to visit he'll have to stay at a hotel or with friends.

[Anonymous]

Lay off OP, people. With some people, it takes more than one parent to teach a kid to clean up. I've got one who from the time she could toddle, was putting away her things and decorating her room. The other, the older DD, never--never, it's like that part of her brain does not exist. My DH is similar and there's genetics and bad role modeling to fight against.

When the slob DD was a young teen, I thought how much of our fighting had to do with this, many times a day me being shrill about this and that, and one day I stopped. So she'll be a slob. So what, in the scheme of things. Our relationship is much better and I'd rather have her want to come me when she's out of the house, then never want to see me because I was such an anxious b____ all the time. (And btw I stopped with her dad years before and yes, I clean up a ridiculous amount but our marriage is so much better)

So I'm also interested in the constructive replies as I'll soon be in the same shoes as OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I rarely see him due to finances mostly.

He had been living on student loans and I am on a small budget.

I must not have been as strict as I should have regarding chores so yes, to an extent I feel that I definitely am to blame for his behavior.

I acknowledge this.
My main question is what do I do NOW????

I cannot re-do my past mistakes, so am I doomed to his messy ways for the rest of my life?

If so, yikes!

It's 2-3x a year. I'd let it go.

[Anonymous]

I'd let it go for now. He will likely mature and start to get better about this as he gets older.
I would rather get time with him and deal with it than get less time because he doesn't want to come home to a nagging mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am more disturbed by the fact that he is only 8 hours away and you see him 2-3 times a year. My parents live 10 hrs away by plane and I see them more often.

So you're saying that your parents live 10 hrs away by plane and you see them more often that 3 times a year? How often would that be, once a month?
Lady, you've got a lot of free time on your hands and a lot of cash to burn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am more disturbed by the fact that he is only 8 hours away and you see him 2-3 times a year. My parents live 10 hrs away by plane and I see them more often.

Way to focus on the problem. And way to forget that not everyone is as rich as you are.

[Anonymous]

If you are dreading the visit fir this reason, you should at least have a conversation about it with your son.

[Anonymous]

I would have a talk with him about a week before his visit, or send him an email.

First of all, decide what you can live with. If you are truly the Odd Couple, you are going to have to bend a little.


Then tell him "Larlo, I'm really looking forward to your visit. But I'm getting older and I don't have as much energy as I used to. It's too much for me to clean up after you constantly while your here. I'd like us to agree that you will at least put your dishes in the dishwasher and throw away food wrappers and soda cans while you are here.