I Love My Son But.......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am more disturbed by the fact that he is only 8 hours away and you see him 2-3 times a year. My parents live 10 hrs away by plane and I see them more often.

He is 24 and single. My parents started coming a lot more when we had kids.

[doodlebug]

Anonymous wrote:I am more disturbed by the fact that he is only 8 hours away and you see him 2-3 times a year. My parents live 10 hrs away by plane and I see them more often.

My mom lives 3 hrs away and my brother lives 20 min away and we don't see each other even once a year most times. Not everyone has to be in each others face to have a relationship. There's this thing called email and Facebook that allow you to remain in contact with other people without spending the time and money to visit multiple times a year. Also, not everyone is all that close. Or has a lot of free time and money. Everyone is different and has different needs and wants.

[Anonymous]

I'd let it go and just be happy that my son wanted to have a relationship with me.

[Anonymous]

I'd let it go. Sure, it's bad behavior, but he's a grown man now and it's not your job to teach him anymore. If he were any other guest, you wouldn't confront; you would just probably not invite him over anymore. since you want to see your son regardless, let it go. But I don't have that "neat as pin" ideal myself.

[Anonymous]

This is Eminem Nanny. She only cares about dating losers, Eminem, and reality TV. No surprise that she raised a slob and never sees him.

[Anonymous]

My parents raised me to a very clean/tidy person (it didn't not come natural for me). As soon as I moved out I lived in organized chaos that I call my apartment.

However when I visit my parents I do things the way they like them to be done because it is their house.

So either he doesn't know how you feel or he doesn't respect how you feel. I'm betting he doesn't know. He probably thinks he is coming to mom's house to relax and she will clean up after him.

Just say something, I'm pretty sure it's not big deal to him.

[Anonymous]

I would let it go. I don't know how old you are, but less then 10 days a year, times how many years you have left, assuming you even get that time if kids/spouse are in his future ---- I would NOT spend them arguing about cleanliness!

[Anonymous]

OP do you talk to him about your expectations when he visits? Do you point out the issue ("Larlo your dishes are on the coffee table; please put them in the dishwasher"). What happens when you do these things? I'm sure you don't want to follow him around like he's a 6 yo but have you made your needs clear?

[Anonymous]

If I only saw my son a couple times a year, I would not spend that time worrying about a dirty house. Somehow I think this attitude is probably the reason you don't see him more often.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DIL will hate you with a passion LOL

Let it go. He's your kid. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

I would pick the things that bug you the most and focus on them. I think a lot of people are used to being messy and do not see it. But if you ask nicely about specific things it is more effective. So, hey, I love to have you but I have gotten used to a clean house, could you please wipe your feet before you come in,"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I rarely see him due to finances mostly.

He had been living on student loans and I am on a small budget.

I must not have been as strict as I should have regarding chores so yes, to an extent I feel that I definitely am to blame for his behavior.

I acknowledge this.
My main question is what do I do NOW????

I cannot re-do my past mistakes, so am I doomed to his messy ways for the rest of my life?

If so, yikes!

If you only see him a few times a year, please let it go. Otherwise, you may find he doesn't visit at all. It's too late undo his habits.

[Anonymous]

What the hell is a "popular university"? Guess you never left the high school mentality behind.

[Anonymous]

You can still teach him, but gently--he's not a kid anymore. First of all, pick your battles. It's hard to imagine the floor getting that dirty in just a few days, and cabinets are easily closed by you. But maybe start out with the kitchen stuff. Do you eat any meals together? If so, afterward: "Hey, Larlo, can you give me a hand with the dishes? You go get the dishes and wrappers from the other rooms while I start clearing the dishes. Then I can wash while you dry." [or whatever system you use] When you're in the kitchen together: "Here's the spray I use on the stove--if you use a paper towel it should get the dried stuff off.

You can do similarly with the laundry stuff. Does he know how to do laundry yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lay off OP, people. With some people, it takes more than one parent to teach a kid to clean up. I've got one who from the time she could toddle, was putting away her things and decorating her room. The other, the older DD, never--never, it's like that part of her brain does not exist. My DH is similar and there's genetics and bad role modeling to fight against.

When the slob DD was a young teen, I thought how much of our fighting had to do with this, many times a day me being shrill about this and that, and one day I stopped. So she'll be a slob. So what, in the scheme of things. Our relationship is much better and I'd rather have her want to come me when she's out of the house, then never want to see me because I was such an anxious b____ all the time. (And btw I stopped with her dad years before and yes, I clean up a ridiculous amount but our marriage is so much better)

So I'm also interested in the constructive replies as I'll soon be in the same shoes as OP.

PP, you made a good decision. I'm like your DD (and my dad is like your DH). I'm in my mid-40's and I hate being around my Mom. She can't look past my messiness.I dread talking to her because even on the phone she has to remind me to clean. Now that I have a baby, her anxiety is out.of.control. She wonders why we aren't closer. She thinks that if I would "just clean" like she wants me to, then she would stop nagging and the world would be a better place. She can't understand how my DH loves me and my messiness. Don't let a little mess get between you and your DD.

That being said, OP, I do not treat my parent's home with disrespect. I might not vacuum and dust enough at my home, but at there's I keep it to their standard. I think there is a middle ground that you can find with your DS that won't destroy your relationship.