Growing tension with daycare providers- what to do

[Anonymous]

When we started DC2 at day care, we felt good about the providers in DC2's room (infant). (DC1 had been at the center for a year at that point and we were happy there). As DC2 got closer to the age other children were starting solids (6 months), the providers in the room started pressing various views on feeding- it started with pressure that I should have been bringing food. As I had another child and this isn't my first time around, I explained we wanted to wait on solids, but I was questioned multiple times on this choice. Then as time went by, and we did introduce solids, they would tell me I should bring more food than I was bringing, the food should be a different consistency, I should be giving DC2 prunes daily to help with pooping, etc. And there would be questions like "did you try this food at home first, mom, because DC2 didn't like it?" when I would have tried it at home and DC2 did eat it another day. And then DC2 was slower to crawl and sit up than the other children so they would say "mom, are you doing tummy time at home?", not "how is tummy time going at home?" but "are you doing it?" I really started to feel undermined, like each day I went in the room, there was some question about the way I was parenting and the decisions I was making or whether I was doing anything at all. Another day, I saw DC2 tummy sleeping, when I knew DC2 didn't learn how to flip over yet. They have a policy posted right next to the cribs that state that they do not place babies on their tummies for sleep. Since the food issues were already grating on me and it felt like there was tension with the providers, I didn't mention anything about the tummy sleeping (fully against my better judgement) because we were still setting DC2 up for back sleeping at home. It felt like another prescription of what they felt was best.

(When DC1 was younger we were at another facility and we were asked about starting solids, but I felt like it was a single conversation and I didn't have to field questions on a daily basis).

When they would question something and I would answer with what my choice was, most times there was still a press for the thing they thought was best or another question which always left me feeling like I was justifying myself. In all of this, they NEVER questioned DH. Maybe this is just a natural thing, to expect that mom makes all the choices, but it always came down on me. Fast forward a bit and baby started refusing breast milk from a bottle so I stopped pumping. I work just a few minute walk away and for the week I reduced/stopped pumping I said I would be stopping by to nurse in the afternoon if I got uncomfortable. They said, 'ok, just let us know when' So one day I called, based on DC2's normal schedule and they said they had just started a bottle. I asked how much there was left and they said the whole bottle. So I told them I'd run down and be there in less than 5 minutes- you can see my building from their window and they know this. I ran over and when I got there, the one woman had just finished feeding DC2 the entire bottle. I asked if she had somehow not gotten the message (as the other provider I spoke to on the phone was sitting right next to her) and she said, no, she got it, she just didn't feel like it was right to stop the bottle. She then asked if I wanted to nurse. Of course baby didn't want to nurse after the bottle. I said I felt disappointed that I asked them, they said ok, and I came right over and then they hadn't done what I had asked. (For the record, I ask very little of them and let them take the lead according to what they normally feel works in terms of sleep and eating schedules). The woman said 'well next time you need to give us more notice. Baby always gets a bottle at X time. You should call 15 minutes before that time.' No apology. Everyone nods in agreement. Ok so the next day I call at the time they specified and they say, 'ok come on over' but they fail to have told me that baby had just been fed solids prior. I gave up after that, but felt like some serious tension built up and the tone changed further with my interaction with them. Like everything was just the facts and as little conversation with me as possible. That was a month ago but it still feels like I'm getting the silent treatment.

Today, at the end of the day, I was meeting DH to pick up the kids and DC2 had started crawling for the first time today. All three providers went nuts telling my husband. He said how they all gathered around and squealed and explained the details TWICE. He went down the hall to pick up DC2 and I passed him in the hall. He told me about what they said and I walked in and said "I heard someone crawled!" One woman nodded and passed me baby and the other woman said to the first "ok I'm clocking out". This was moments after they had just been over the top with DH.

I can shake off most stuff and generally have a thick skin. But when I already hate that I have to work, and would prefer to be home with my kids, dropping them off with folks who are giving me this treatment just doesn't sit well with me. And this is a very expensive place and we have positive relationships with all of the other teachers. The center is between directors so I could go to talk to the interim one, but I wouldn't even know what to say or how to address this issue. Also, since all of these conversations are happening with all three of the providers in the room, I also don't feel comfortable pulling any one person aside and trying to address them directly. I'm at the brink of wanting to switch rooms and just avoid addressing it but think it might just be better to suggest to the director that the providers have some coaching on dealing with parents's choices (or understanding the dynamics of breastfeeding/nursing) or mention that they are rude to me but pleasant to my husband. Not sure what to do. I really dread going into the room now.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

How soon will your child be out of this room? If not soon, I'd switch to a new center. It sounds like a terrible situation. You need childcare providers you trust.

[Anonymous]

can you do a shorter version? TL

[Anonymous]

I think they're being very passive-aggressive with you. You should get your kids out of their care.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to the lead teacher first. Schedule some time when she is not in the classroom and not distracted. I would worry moving him to another room wouldn't help, as they would just tell their coworkers if there is a perceived problem with you. I'm assuming you have at least 6 months left in this room, so you're going to want to deal with it somehow.

Make no apologies about what you're expecting. None of it is crazy. I would address the tummy sleep issue if you see it happening again. It's law in Virginia and cause for a licensing violation. They know this.

[Anonymous]

I have worked in a baby room before. To some extent, you do have to give up control over little details when your child is in group care and also realize that your child will behave differently in different settings with different caregivers.

The providers are being passive aggressive but likely also just trying to engage as little as possible to cut down on hearing your complaints.

Some moms swear their baby wouldn't touch cheerios at home but at daycare we couldn't get the kid to stop trying to swipe another kids and shove them in his own mouth. Same with various types of foods.

The BF vs. bottle thing. They had already started a bottle and you wanted them to remove it and wait for you. Do you think your child would have reacted happily? They also can't know if you really will be there "right away". I heard that many times from BF moms but things happen. You could have been stopped on the way out the building, a wait at the elevator, a last minute phone call, etc. A good way to handle it is if you want to continue to BF at daycare, set up a specific time each day and commit to it.

Tummy sleeping is a no go so if you are concerned definitely mention that. We always put babies to sleep on their back - no exceptions.

[Anonymous]

This incredibly long post leads me to believe you may be very high-maintenance. And I say this as a longtime daycare mom. Yes, it's your kid, but when you work with providers you need to work together. They've dealt with many more kids than you have and their suggestions on feeding etc may be valid. It sounds like you may be dismissing them and they're picking up on that.

[Anonymous]

I'd be annoyed and would look elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

I think you sound a bit high maintenance, can you imagine if all the Moms wanted to pop in and out during the day to nurse their kids?
Our daycare told us that there were a few parents that would give their kids food that they knew they wouldnt eat at home, just to see if they would eat it at daycare. They said it happens quite frequently. This makes it harder on the daycare workers and not really fair on the kid either. That may be why they question you on that if he didnt like something.
If your kid seems constipated while he is there that may be why they suggested prunes/prune juice.
I would really try and take a step back. Pump during the day if you want to, but don't rush over there to nurse when they have a schedule and a plan for the day.

[Anonymous]

I think it is really hard to deal with passive aggressiveness from a care provider. But I also think these folks are taking care of your child all day so they probably feel like they are giving it their best and that they are hearing sensing some criticism on your part. And they just don't feel like being criticized. And you don't either. And it's sort of spiraled a bit into a negative cycle. I would identify your top priorities- mine would be making sure they never put my child on her tummy until I authorize it. And then once you have gotten any super serious issues out there, then I would spend a few weeks giving them some positive feedback even if it is really hard for you. Try to create a positive relationship even if it is tough. Then after a few weeks or a month of really trying hard, then reevaluate.

[Anonymous]

"But when I already hate that I have to work, and would prefer to be home with my kids, dropping them off with folks who are giving me this treatment just doesn't sit well with me."

Can you show this vulnerable side of your personality to your teachers OP? Let your guard down and let them know that you're struggling and just need a moment to lean on them. Spend $5 and take them a pack of bagels and cream cheese. Start talking to them about things like your weekend. Let them get to know who you are outside of your Mom title. This work is so hard for our daycare workers and like PP said, they probably feel like they've put in a lot of effort that has been unnoticed. The other options are to move rooms or leave the program but it sounds like this can be fixed.

Thanks for sharing this. It forced me to reflect on the relationships that my teachers have with our parents.

[Anonymous]

On the face of it, the caregivers sound really mean to you for no reason, and if that's really the case, I'm very sorry, OP.

On the other hand - have you ever given them reason to hate you? Or are you perhaps reading something extra mean in their normal interactions with you?

Whatever it is, if you can switch daycares, please do. This situation is causing you unnecessary stress.

[Anonymous]

Moms who have guilt about working and wish they could stay home often are hypercritical of their child's caregiver(s) as a way of making themselves feel better.

I think some of the things you're upset about aren't really a problem, they're just reasons to dislike people that get to spend a ton of time with your child. Moms tend to be more laid back with kid #2, so when they were asking about what foods you'd tried at home/if you were doing tummy time they either (1) figured they could skip the long-winded tell-me-about-your-feelings gentle chat and just be direct or (2) it's just a communication style difference---these women take care of (I'm guessing numbers here) probably six infants all day, which is pretty difficult and exhausting work. You read something into their communication that wasn't there, probably responded more harshly than they were expecting and now have a fraught relationship with them.

I agree that the stomach sleeping isn't great.

[Anonymous]

I find communication style can big a big barrier and cause for misunderstanding. And it seems to be an even larger issue in infant rooms - I think because everything is on demand/tailored to each individual baby, whereas there is a fairly set schedule/daily routine in the older rooms and toddlers are more the same than different in the basic ways.

I was very happy with how DS's lead infant teacher interacted with DS, and she clearly loved him and he was well taken care of and enjoyed his time there. But we did have issues with her communication style, just very different than ours and what we're used to. If you're having issues with communication, it can cast an overall shadow to the whole experience. We just conceded that our communication styles were very different, the experience otherwise was great, and we knew he wouldn't be in the infant room forever and loved the center in general. Have had almost no issues with any of the other rooms at the center.

All that to say, if you're happy with the center otherwise, take a step back and try to figure out if there is a way to make this work for the next few months. Don't let the teachers get away with bullying you or doing something they really shouldn't (tummy sleeping), but recognize that you may play a role in this as well.

[Anonymous]

So now we are shaming this mother? This is just gross. She shared her thoughts and feelings with us and you all slam her for being "high maintenance" She didn't ask for opinions on your view of her.
It is her baby. She is paying them. She shouldn't be treated this way. I would start to question if how they feel about you would start rubbing of on how they treat your baby. I don't think you sound high maintenance. I think you sound frustrated and concerned. And I would be too. They shouldn't be arguing with you day in and day out about the same things over and over, or anything for that matter.
Bottom line is you pay them to care for your child. Yes, they have routines and things are done a certain way but in regards to the individual child, the parents should be making those calls, and not have to take crap for them.