Why are some parents not close/ connected to their children ?

[Anonymous]

My dad has never been close to me and my mom passed away when I was a baby. I'm 28 now and recently had a baby. It's so hard for me to understand why my dad never wanted to be close. We go months without speaking on the phone and he always cuts the conversation short . He's like a bad boyfriend ! Even in undergrad he didn't check in with me regularly or make sure I was doing ok financially. I worked as a nanny all throughout undergrad and basically supported myself. He never came to visit me at college even though I lived 2 hours away. I know some people will say I should make more of an effort. Part of me just feels so broken about things . Shouldn't he have made an effort when I was a child living with him? I just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

You probably remind him of your mom and it may still be painful.

[Anonymous]

I can only say I relate. It's important to grieve for the relationship you never had, and will never have, and find other outlets of love and support - starting with yourself.

[doodlebug]

he sounds like my mom. Some people just don't need people, I guess. My grandmother was wonderful and I spent tons of time w/ her when I was little, and she cared for all of us kids in various ways. My mother has almost no relationship with any of her kids or grandkids unless clicking "like" on everything posted on facebook counts as a relationship. I don't get it either.

All you can really do at this point is give yourself the treatment you wish you had gotten from your dad.

[Anonymous]

My mother had me because that's what you did after you got married. I've now not spoken to her for almost half my life. I recently read a book where the epilogue said of two characters "Their baby was born, but parenting wasn't for them so the nannies did it, and they visited their child in the nursery once a day, if they weren't traveling." And it reminded me of my mother.

Right now my oldest is only 4, but I can't really envision being close with her when she's an adult. My husband is close with his parents so hopefully he'll lead the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother had me because that's what you did after you got married. I've now not spoken to her for almost half my life. I recently read a book where the epilogue said of two characters "Their baby was born, but parenting wasn't for them so the nannies did it, and they visited their child in the nursery once a day, if they weren't traveling." And it reminded me of my mother.

Right now my oldest is only 4, but I can't really envision being close with her when she's an adult. My husband is close with his parents so hopefully he'll lead the way.

That's strange to me that you can't envision being close when she's older? This is op. I wonder why that is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother had me because that's what you did after you got married. I've now not spoken to her for almost half my life. I recently read a book where the epilogue said of two characters "Their baby was born, but parenting wasn't for them so the nannies did it, and they visited their child in the nursery once a day, if they weren't traveling." And it reminded me of my mother.

Right now my oldest is only 4, but I can't really envision being close with her when she's an adult. My husband is close with his parents so hopefully he'll lead the way.

That's strange to me that you can't envision being close when she's older? This is op. I wonder why that is?

Because she isn't close to her own parents? Not a stretch.

[Anonymous]

doodlebug wrote:he sounds like my mom. Some people just don't need people, I guess. My grandmother was wonderful and I spent tons of time w/ her when I was little, and she cared for all of us kids in various ways. My mother has almost no relationship with any of her kids or grandkids unless clicking "like" on everything posted on facebook counts as a relationship. I don't get it either.

All you can really do at this point is give yourself the treatment you wish you had gotten from your dad.

Op here: thanks for sharing . I had a similar upbringing . I was really close to my grandmom. She was so caring and like a stand in mom. She recently passed away and it's been very tough . I wish she could have met my son!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother had me because that's what you did after you got married. I've now not spoken to her for almost half my life. I recently read a book where the epilogue said of two characters "Their baby was born, but parenting wasn't for them so the nannies did it, and they visited their child in the nursery once a day, if they weren't traveling." And it reminded me of my mother.

Right now my oldest is only 4, but I can't really envision being close with her when she's an adult. My husband is close with his parents so hopefully he'll lead the way.

That's strange to me that you can't envision being close when she's older? This is op. I wonder why that is?

Because she isn't close to her own parents? Not a stretch.

Op here: I'm surirised because I don't feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP - it sounds like a tough situation. Have you brought it up with your dad? It's not too late but things may not change either.

My own parents have been on and off distant over the years. My mom, who has been an alcoholic off and on since I was a child comes and goes, mainly depending on if she is with someone. She was around and sober when our kids were babies and DH traveled a lot for work so that was great. She has a very warm and loving side and a terrible side. My dad is much more in touch after my stepmom passed away a few years ago. He just didn't feel the need to reach out much while they were married. Now it's easier to call him and have an actual conversation as long as we steer clear of politics, lol.

I did a lot of volunteer work overseas to escape my crazy family in late HS/early college back in the days when there was barely phone service in much of Latin America and I might send/receive just a few letters in a summer there. My parents generally never knew if I had arrived or was still alive during my travels. This lack of communication and having to wait weeks for letters to arrive between US/Europe while studying abroad definitely had an impact.

DD who I'm very close with and is now 16 has spent many years training in something she loves and spends 4-6 weeks away each summer. Even with the ease of social media, she chooses to not stay super in touch while away. I foresee that she may not be in touch very often as an adult - same goes for DS because he is male and at 14 now is super self-centered. For various reasons I don't see that changing a lot as he gets older. We shall see.

We gave them both a lot of freedom as children which has lead to a greater sense of independence and I foresee that this may lead to less interaction. I do think social media makes it so much easier to stay more in touch. Hopefully that will pay off for us as parents because I would like to keep in touch since now kids and parents often live very far from each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother had me because that's what you did after you got married. I've now not spoken to her for almost half my life. I recently read a book where the epilogue said of two characters "Their baby was born, but parenting wasn't for them so the nannies did it, and they visited their child in the nursery once a day, if they weren't traveling." And it reminded me of my mother.

Right now my oldest is only 4, but I can't really envision being close with her when she's an adult. My husband is close with his parents so hopefully he'll lead the way.

That's strange to me that you can't envision being close when she's older? This is op. I wonder why that is?

Because she isn't close to her own parents? Not a stretch.

Op here: I'm surirised because I don't feel the same way.

OP I'm not the PP but my understanding is she can't envision it because she has no point of reference for what a healthy relationship would be. From her post she seems to want to be close to her child. Hence the comment that maybe her husband will be able to help with that in the future.

I can relate because my parents were very neglectful when I was growing up. It's not enough just to say that I won't do the things that they did. What does good parenting look like? I have zero point of reference. My DH grew up in a stable home with loving parents so it's nice to have his perspective when I feel completely lost.

[Anonymous]

My parents viewed us as an investment and extension of themselves. Distant as adults. We see them at major holidays only. Spouses family is the same. They expected him to buy a house on their street, marry someone from their ethnic circle and let his mom raise the kids. My parents feel like all their children vhose the wrong career, wrong spouse, etc. they could really only love carbon copies of themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother had me because that's what you did after you got married. I've now not spoken to her for almost half my life. I recently read a book where the epilogue said of two characters "Their baby was born, but parenting wasn't for them so the nannies did it, and they visited their child in the nursery once a day, if they weren't traveling." And it reminded me of my mother.

Right now my oldest is only 4, but I can't really envision being close with her when she's an adult. My husband is close with his parents so hopefully he'll lead the way.

My mom shouldn't have been a parent, she found it too difficult and time consuming. Her level of tolerance was minimal, she would literally freak out if I helped myself to a snack, would pinch and smack me, constantly go off the rails. I may talk to her a few times a year, and never visit. My DH and I would bring our DC to visit during the holidays but stopped as she acted up during our visits. I really never think about her anymore, and never speak of her. I pray that I will not parent as she did, and work on not being her. Thank God for my grandparents, as without them, I might be in prison or dead.

Her and my dad divorced when I was 8, and he moved away. I have this memory of them having an argument and her sticking a fork in my dad's head. She's crazy!!!

[Anonymous]

That's my father. Like somebody said- he just doesn't need other people. He loves being alone. He loves us dearly, but call about twice a year.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry you can't enjoy your first baby with your mom, and your dad doesn't feel the joy of a grandchild. My mom was so happy when I had my first baby. I was reasonably close with my mom growing up. After I had my second child, my relationship with my mom deteriorated, much more so after my 3rd child who has medical problems and special needs. My mom doesn't have patience anymore. My dad competes with my kids for my mom's attention when they visit. He didn't want her to help me with the other kids when my son was in the hospital for most of 4 months. I'm in therapy now, to figure out how to go forward and make things better.