Having a hard time with 4yo and newborn

[Anonymous]

I just had a baby 3 weeks ago and have a 4 year old as well. During the year ODD is in school, but apparently I didn't time my pregnancy right (kidding) since she is out of school and our whole routine is out of whack with me being on maternity leave. She isn't in camp (that's a whole separate story - she HATES camp) but does have activities/classes 3 days a week, and our nanny is great about taking her to the park, meeting up with other kids, etc. The problem is that now that I am in the picture, ODD only wants to be with me 24/7 and she FREAKS when I need to be with the baby and our nanny has to be the one to take her out. Like stage 5 meltdowns we haven't had in nearly a year. Our house is small and pretty open, so there is no separation for me and the baby to be in one part of the house and DD to be in another without her actively knowing we're there. When I take the baby into my room and close the door - DD will literally bang on the door screaming and crying. And it pains me to watch our nanny drag ODD out of the house screaming and crying to go to an activity because she wants to stay with me (or for me to take her).

What has resulted is me being with DD 80% of the day and the nanny being with YDD. It works, but I feel so bad that I am not getting to spend enough quality time with the baby, and I am also SOO exhausted from being up with the baby at night. For better or worse, I can't BF because of a medication I have to take so YDD is on formula which makes things easier logistically.

Has anyone death with something like this before? How should I handle, or do we just deal through the summer until ODD is back in school?

[Anonymous]

I would just spend time with your older daughter during this transitional time and be glad you have a nanny. You are getting quality time with the baby at night This is just the tough part of the transition; it won't be like this forever.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the above poster. You still have bonding time with the newborn and your older daughter will remember this time. It is important that you are paying attention to her feelings. I would try and have her help you with the baby so she feels part of the process. Bringing you a diaper, helping to feed the baby a bottle, ect. And so she knows you do have to share your time, explain to her that while you are playing with her now and the nanny is with the baby, the next activity will be with the nanny and you will be with the baby. Maybe plan out a schedule with her so she knows when she will be with the nanny, when she will be with you, and when it is all together time. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Three weeks in was still tough for us with that transition with a similar age gap.

You need a new routine, badly, for your older one. Have the nanny write it up--basically, every morning they go out and do something. Pack a lunch even sometimes, then home, a set amount of quiet time with mom, then to the playground or something.

We kept our older one in daycare while I was on maternity leave--best thing for everyone was him being in a situation he knew. Get something going that is like her school schedule with the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Spend 15 minutes a day of uninterrupted time with your older child. Play something she wants to do; read a book she loves--whatever. The meltdowns will pass.

[Anonymous]

Some chikdren do five going to childcare, others KNOW their mother is home and hate being at childcare. You have the latter. So for another 2 weeks or so, just be with both children or toe older one. Yes, have big girl help with baby a bit. And maybe don't send older to lessons or activities for 2 weeks. Let her hang with you and baby and then gradually start to bring back some activities. I wouldn't push her to do stood now. And I wouldn't lock yourself in the bedroom with baby while ODD his and screams at door. Let the older one in, but she has to follow rules if you are nursing, puttinf baby to sleep, taking a nap, etc or she does need to leave the room.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, three weeks in with a preschooler and a newborn is SO HARD (I say this with love, I was there myself 1 year ago).
-can you hold the baby while doing some stuff with ODD, like reading or coloring or letting her play playdo (or whatever she likes that's not running around)? That's plenty stimulation for the baby for long periods of the day, and at three weeks she's probably asleep most of that time anyway (hopefully, anyway!)
-can you bill some of the activities as super-fun stuff that babies can't do, it's only for big girls, etc? I think this helped our ODD with minimizing some jealousy... yes, baby is with mommy, baby takes a lot of mommy's time right now, but look at the cool stuff you get to do with Whoever, that the baby can't do.
-Ease up on ODD a little bit, just a very little bit. Not saying that you ARE being hard on her, but being 4 is pretty tough and being 4 with a new baby is really tough. ODD got a lot of ice cream, lots more TV than typical, lots of little treats like new books and special pancake breakfasts with dad, and note that all those things in some way made life easier on mom, dad, and/or new baby at the same time.
-would it help, at all?, if you and baby were the ones to leave the house (to sit at starbucks or walk around the mall or something)? Or if all 4 of you left, let's say to go to the mall, and you and YDD browse clothes (BORING) while nanny and ODD go to the play area
three weeks is really tough! and there IS probably going to be another couple months of tough... I feel like once the baby got past that 6-8 week super fussy stage, things really settled down and we got into a routine of sorts, all of us.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain, I'm going through something similar this week while DD was on daycare summer vacation and it has been a nightmare. In our case, it's grandma who is helping, and DD1 refuses to have anything to do with her. Fortunately, daycare starts again tomorrow and hopefully she'll be somewhat back to normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had a baby 3 weeks ago and have a 4 year old as well. During the year ODD is in school, but apparently I didn't time my pregnancy right (kidding) since she is out of school and our whole routine is out of whack with me being on maternity leave. She isn't in camp (that's a whole separate story - she HATES camp) but does have activities/classes 3 days a week, and our nanny is great about taking her to the park, meeting up with other kids, etc. The problem is that now that I am in the picture, ODD only wants to be with me 24/7 and she FREAKS when I need to be with the baby and our nanny has to be the one to take her out. Like stage 5 meltdowns we haven't had in nearly a year. Our house is small and pretty open, so there is no separation for me and the baby to be in one part of the house and DD to be in another without her actively knowing we're there. When I take the baby into my room and close the door - DD will literally bang on the door screaming and crying. And it pains me to watch our nanny drag ODD out of the house screaming and crying to go to an activity because she wants to stay with me (or for me to take her).

What has resulted is me being with DD 80% of the day and the nanny being with YDD. It works, but I feel so bad that I am not getting to spend enough quality time with the baby, and I am also SOO exhausted from being up with the baby at night. For better or worse, I can't BF because of a medication I have to take so YDD is on formula which makes things easier logistically.

Has anyone death with something like this before? How should I handle, or do we just deal through the summer until ODD is back in school?

You have a nanny and still have trouble taking care of your children? Why the hell do helpless idiotic women have babies? You are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you, baby, and your 4 yr old + nanny go to the park together? Can't you bond and rest when you get back from the morning outing when, for example, your 4 yr watches a show, eats lunch, has quiet time, or engages with nanny?

You need a new plan and you need to learn to multitask 2 kids. That's your new norm whether you feel tired, or like it, or not.

Of you feed the baby, don't leave the room. Can't you work on a puzzle with Dd at the same time, for example?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had a baby 3 weeks ago and have a 4 year old as well. During the year ODD is in school, but apparently I didn't time my pregnancy right (kidding) since she is out of school and our whole routine is out of whack with me being on maternity leave. She isn't in camp (that's a whole separate story - she HATES camp) but does have activities/classes 3 days a week, and our nanny is great about taking her to the park, meeting up with other kids, etc. The problem is that now that I am in the picture, ODD only wants to be with me 24/7 and she FREAKS when I need to be with the baby and our nanny has to be the one to take her out. Like stage 5 meltdowns we haven't had in nearly a year. Our house is small and pretty open, so there is no separation for me and the baby to be in one part of the house and DD to be in another without her actively knowing we're there. When I take the baby into my room and close the door - DD will literally bang on the door screaming and crying. And it pains me to watch our nanny drag ODD out of the house screaming and crying to go to an activity because she wants to stay with me (or for me to take her).

What has resulted is me being with DD 80% of the day and the nanny being with YDD. It works, but I feel so bad that I am not getting to spend enough quality time with the baby, and I am also SOO exhausted from being up with the baby at night. For better or worse, I can't BF because of a medication I have to take so YDD is on formula which makes things easier logistically.

Has anyone death with something like this before? How should I handle, or do we just deal through the summer until ODD is back in school?

What is it that you need to do with the baby that you need to go in the room and close the door? You don't get quality time with the baby alone - this is the reality when you have more than one kid.

She's four - you need to involve her with the baby. You can see what alienating her is doing, right?

[Anonymous]

Your 4 year old is running the household. I'm surprised your nanny hasn't spoken up about the situation.

Chart your daughters schedule. When she transitions well she gets a sticker. She gets a prize at the end of the week, two weeks, whatever time period is appropriate. Make sure something on the schedule is just for the two of you and make sure there is something she can do easily.

This is the worst age spread for sibling rivalry, her behavior is normal but needs to be dealt with firmly.

[Anonymous]

DS was almost 4 when DS2 was born. He also wanted to spend a ton of time with me vs going out and do things. Honestly, I didn't worry about doing stuff to entertain the 4 year old. I nursed so obviously it took up a lot of time. The 4 year old would just sit in bed with me and we read books while I nursed, or we watched TV, or he brought his toys into bed and just played next to me.

In the afternoon when we took naps, we would all nap together. In fact, I remember one day when I woke up. The baby was sleeping on top of me, the four year old has his head on my chest, and the cat was on the other side lol. It may not have been the most comfortable but it is one of my favorite memories of those early days.

DS1 also told me after a while that it really made him sad when I did everything for the baby first, so I made sure to help DS1 first sometimes. Like if he needed a snack and the baby was crying I would say "hold on baby, I am helping DS1 now, sometimes he needs help too." I Mean the baby had no idea what was going on but DS1 really appreciated it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just had a baby 3 weeks ago and have a 4 year old as well. During the year ODD is in school, but apparently I didn't time my pregnancy right (kidding) since she is out of school and our whole routine is out of whack with me being on maternity leave. She isn't in camp (that's a whole separate story - she HATES camp) but does have activities/classes 3 days a week, and our nanny is great about taking her to the park, meeting up with other kids, etc. The problem is that now that I am in the picture, ODD only wants to be with me 24/7 and she FREAKS when I need to be with the baby and our nanny has to be the one to take her out. Like stage 5 meltdowns we haven't had in nearly a year. Our house is small and pretty open, so there is no separation for me and the baby to be in one part of the house and DD to be in another without her actively knowing we're there. When I take the baby into my room and close the door - DD will literally bang on the door screaming and crying. And it pains me to watch our nanny drag ODD out of the house screaming and crying to go to an activity because she wants to stay with me (or for me to take her).

What has resulted is me being with DD 80% of the day and the nanny being with YDD. It works, but I feel so bad that I am not getting to spend enough quality time with the baby, and I am also SOO exhausted from being up with the baby at night. For better or worse, I can't BF because of a medication I have to take so YDD is on formula which makes things easier logistically.

Has anyone death with something like this before? How should I handle, or do we just deal through the summer until ODD is back in school?

What is it that you need to do with the baby that you need to go in the room and close the door? You don't get quality time with the baby alone - this is the reality when you have more than one kid.

She's four - you need to involve her with the baby. You can see what alienating her is doing, right?

Oh please. There is a nanny there. Of course she can have some quality time with her baby alone.

I agree with a PP, btw: allow more TV during this chaotic time.

[Anonymous]

Wear the baby and go to the park with them. Baby will benefit too from being worn.