Handling Sibs' Expectations on Involvement
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Anonymous
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Baby is due in October, and it's the first grandkid for both sides of the aisle. DH's older bro and wife are a definite no on kids, and my own younger sib is a wishywashy on whether she'll want to raise any herself. We're planning on two kids, but they may end up being the only kids in our family if things continue like this.
This has given rise to a lot of comments like "my baby" from our sibs, to which, I admit, we're probably a little overly rankled on. We get that this kid is gonna be precious to everyone, and probably spoiled to some point. But it's our baby, not theirs. They've even taken to mentioning things about how I should be taking care of myself and doing certain things to remain healthy; my own sister gets annoyed with me for "poking her nephew" when I'm trying to figure out where he is positioned in utero. They keep saying they can't wait to teach him certain things (we're fine with that), but they act like they need to be around for every first and that they want to be active in most of his firsts (eating certain foods, walking, etc.). Um, no. If you wanted all those kid moments, you could have decided to have children of your own, is how we feel. Are we being completely unreasonable? Not that we don't want them around, but how to get them to understand that we're not having a child for them to live vicariously through us? We've been trying to hint as such, but our sibs a very touchy people. As in, cold shoulders, eye rolls, hurt expressions, the whole gambit. Just at a mere hint. |
Anonymous
And here I was thinking, as I read your post, that YOU sound touchy! Set boundaries as particular situations arise (e.g. deciding who is in the delivery room, where you will spend a first holiday, etc.) and don't try to manage them too far in advance. |
Anonymous
| Wow, your kid could be so lucky to have so many loving, caring adults in his/her life but sounds like you're going to screw the whole thing up for him/her. |
Anonymous
| Ha. Calm down. |
Anonymous
| OP they're just saying these things. Once the kid is born they won't be this involved. I get a little upset at comments that our parents are making, but I know things will be difference after birth. |
Anonymous
| Your poor kid to have a mom who has to make it all about herself |
Anonymous
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Eh, don't worry about it. Create firm boundaries (like locking your door and insisting people call to ASK if they can come over), use assertive language rather than passive (Sorry to kick you out but I need to nurse the baby and put him to bed now, great to see you, love you, bye) vs (I think the baby's a little tired...?)
They'll calm down once the baby is there. I am the aunt who doesn't have kids. I came to visit the morning after the baby was born, and have visited once to twice a month since she was born. I am careful to only say "my niece" rather than "my baby". Or, if SIL's sister is there I try to say "our niece" to include her. |
Anonymous
Yeah trust me. It'll just be you and your husband that are getting up every couple of hours to feed your kid and change the poopy diapers. The rest of the family will be there to play with changed and fed kid. |
Anonymous
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OP - I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who are, thus far, the only grandkids on either side. My husband is an only and my siblings are at least 3-5 years away from having kids. I will tell you that you will LOVE having the attention from your siblings. Yes, you can set boundaries when baby arrives, but really you will love having other people hang out with your baby.
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Anonymous
| Hormones. Your mama bear hormones have gone a bit too wild, OP. |
Anonymous
A couple of times a year. |
Anonymous
| Eh. I kind of get it. My mom is like this and it irks me. She was especially so with my first. She would call me and tell me that it was "time to introduce solids" at 4 mos and express other unsolicited opinions as things I needed to do for "our baby". She did cut it out and isn't quite as bad the second time. It's just enthusiasm and should settle in. I wouldn't make an issue out of it. |
Anonymous
| I can understand your annoyance, but agree with PPs that they will eventually settle down and/or you'll be thrilled to have people who love your baby and who will have th energy to help you out since they don't have kids of their own to exhaust them. Clear boundaries as situations arise is good advice. |
Anonymous
+100. Yeah, relax. Wait til the kid is born and see what actually happens. You may be so relieved if they want to help out. |
Anonymous
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OP-I can understand your annoyance at people giving unsolicited advice and the whole "my baby" thing but beyond that I think you are being too touchy. It's wonderful that your family is so excited about your baby. I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume that your sibs want to live vicariously through you.
I am an aunt with no kids and my sister has expressed many times that she is happy that my husband and I spend time with her children, that we are there to babysit, etc. I enjoy being an aunt and don't have any confusion about my role-I am not my nieces and nephew's mother. I was also really excited when the kids were born but not because I was trying to live vicariously through my sister-I was happy to be an aunt. Unless you have some mentally unstable people in your family, I really don't think they have any illusions that the child is yours and not theirs. |