How Would Your Respond to This?

[Anonymous]

DW suffers from BPD. Currently, DD and I are away for July. We had a long planned trip. DW is now angry we are gone. Saturday she was pissed we were not able to talk with her when she called and refused to answer the phone, pick up or text back when we contacted her. We only tried twice more and took the attitude that we left the door open for her to call us back.

This morning, I get texts saying she is alone and it is my fault and she hates me for it and wants a divorce. None of this is new. She will behave this way when she is feeling "abandoned," but I am wondering whether there is a positive way to respond to her. When I am physically around, I can deflect or change the subject or somehow work my way around it.

I have two choices here: not respond at all or find some way to lovelingly respond and address her fears of abandonment. I really don't know what to say.

[Anonymous]

why did you abandon your wife?

[Anonymous]

Why do you want to be married to her? I would say: "ok file for divorce". Good riddance.

She sounds exacrky like my MIL.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I have no advice but lots of sympathy. I hope you can shield your daughter effectively from the worst of these outbursts.

My husband has also played the abandonment card several times and when he decides to make a big deal out of it, it ruins our family life for those few months. Unfortunately, divorce is not an option.

Are you sure this is BPD? I thought my husband suffered from untreated ADHD and had poor communication skills and self-awareness. There is a history of ADHD and Asperger's in the family.

What have you done in terms of therapy or treatment? I'm trying to find a way to mitigate this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to be married to her? I would say: "ok file for divorce". Good riddance.

She sounds exacrky like my MIL.

Because his wife would get 50% custody and this guy is trying to do best by his child.

[Anonymous]

The proper response is a no-nonsense statement that you will be back on _____ date, and that she needs to be working with her therapist on handling her abandonment feelings, not acting out at you.

[Anonymous]

Is she medicated and in therapy? There's your first step. Second step is to get yourself into therapy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The proper response is a no-nonsense statement that you will be back on _____ date, and that she needs to be working with her therapist on handling her abandonment feelings, not acting out at you.

Yep, don't engage her which only rewards her poor behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to be married to her? I would say: "ok file for divorce". Good riddance.

She sounds exacrky like my MIL.

Because his wife would get 50% custody and this guy is trying to do best by his child.

Not if she's not a fit parent. Keep an eye on how she behaves with the kid, OP, and keep a file. My DH was majorly fucked up by his mother with unmedicated BPD. It's harsh as hell, but his father should have left her and taken the kid until she got treatment.

But, assuming you want to reassure her and make things work out, remind her that, as planned, you'll be back on X date, that you love her very much and suggest she speak with her therapist/psychiatrist. You know she's sick; so you be the anchor and don't let her yank around your emotions too much.

[Anonymous]

"We can discuss this when we get back."

[Anonymous]

I think you need to handle a little differently than you would someone without BPD. But it matters a lot what kind of treatment she is getting and why you took the trip without her in the first place. Was she on board with you going before the trip actually happened? Or was it a fight from the start?

You are in a very tough spot to have a wife with such a severe mental health condition, and it sounds like you are trying to do best by her. Do you have a counselor you can talk to as well? I dated a guy with BPD, and I found it helpful to see a counselor occasionally to talk through some of the challenges and figure out coping strategies.

[Anonymous]

She blames me for everything that is wrong in her life. She says she is "depressed" because I "allowed her" to "destroy her family." She's made some bad choices in her life - all of which I attribute to her BPD. Honestly, most men in my situation would have walked long ago. I don't need to go into the details of what she has put me through.

Do I believe she is depressed? Probably? Will she get help? No.

I wrote back with what I thought was a very validating response, acknowledging her feelings, etc. All the the things the BPD guide books tell me to do to improve communication. She shot back the above and added she wants a divorce.

Fine. Go see a lawyer, I'll happily sign anything as long as I get may fair share of the assets.

How anyone with a six figure income (just her) and millions of dollars in investments, beautiful children, not lacking for anything materially can feel her life is "destroyed."

Maybe I am missing something?

[Anonymous]

Borderline Personality Disorder?

Or Bipolar Disorder?

If it's borderline, I'd seriously reconsider the marriage, honestly.

If bipolar, be gentle and caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She blames me for everything that is wrong in her life. She says she is "depressed" because I "allowed her" to "destroy her family." She's made some bad choices in her life - all of which I attribute to her BPD. Honestly, most men in my situation would have walked long ago. I don't need to go into the details of what she has put me through.

Do I believe she is depressed? Probably? Will she get help? No.

I wrote back with what I thought was a very validating response, acknowledging her feelings, etc. All the the things the BPD guide books tell me to do to improve communication. She shot back the above and added she wants a divorce.

Fine. Go see a lawyer, I'll happily sign anything as long as I get may fair share of the assets.

How anyone with a six figure income (just her) and millions of dollars in investments, beautiful children, not lacking for anything materially can feel her life is "destroyed."

Maybe I am missing something?

I understand that emotional 'outburst' but you seem to be an intelligent person so when you read what you wrote can you see those things are meaningless as to feelings and a sense of self worth?

Additionally, some people have little holes in their self esteem/fulfillment bucket and others (like her) are riddled with large holes. The key thought here in your situation though is what you wrote "Will she get help? No." Therefore you have to set your boundaries, especially emotionally, and come to some decision as to how far you are willing to travel on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to handle a little differently than you would someone without BPD. But it matters a lot what kind of treatment she is getting and why you took the trip without her in the first place. Was she on board with you going before the trip actually happened? Or was it a fight from the start?

You are in a very tough spot to have a wife with such a severe mental health condition, and it sounds like you are trying to do best by her. Do you have a counselor you can talk to as well? I dated a guy with BPD, and I found it helpful to see a counselor occasionally to talk through some of the challenges and figure out coping strategies.

The trip was planned at least since January. DW could nor get off work, plus had no interest in going to the old country unless I would tack on a trip to Italy or some such place. She is supposed to come at the end of the month.