How much patience before giving up on therapy?

[Anonymous]

My husband has (in his own words) been a jerk to me for years. After a couple of different therapists and doctors, he has been diagnosed with ADHD. It presents itself in typical adult ADHD ways, so while he's successful at work and at his hobbies, he's totally checked out of family and home life and saves zero mental energy or effort for us. He's on medication but has otherwise but lazy and uncommitted to enact changes in routine and behavior that doctors/coaches have said are necessary to manage his condition. He's totally functional at work and on his own, but basically a mean jerk in the context of our family life (we have a daughter) and our relationship, and barely does anything around the house. We have blow-ups every other night, and after living like this for years I am physically and emotionally depleted and so tired of being treated so badly. He's said "you can't be mad at me for a medical condition". I compared it to someone who has a heart condition and isn't eating right/exercising/taking meds, and he spent the rest of the night picking apart that analogy and getting angry that I made it. And when he's really annoyed he tells me that ADHD isn't even a real thing (despite what doctors have told him). His ADHD isn't visible to friends and family so I'm totally isolated and feel like I'm pretending to have a totally different life than I do all of the time.

How long do I wait for him to improve before giving up?

[Anonymous]

So he's saying he feels it's okay that he treats you badly and is checked out of the family? And he's using a condition that he doesn't believe in as an excuse. He's telling you are not allowed to be mad.

I think you have had inadequate therapists who he's fooling, as he fools everyone else. It's more than ADHD that is behind his behavior. It's time he stopped trying to fool therapists, and got serious about taking responsibility for figuring out what's really behind his feelings and behavior, so he can find a way to change how he acts. If he doesn't do this, it's not best for his family to stay with him.

It's not going to improve, as it stands. Would you and your daughter be better off without having to deal with him every day? Can you do it on your own? Consider that, and then take a stand on what you find acceptable in his treatment of you. He needs a smarter therapist, too.

[CallMeMaybe]

Oh man - that sounds horrible! Honestly, the 2 times I went to therapy with my ex the entire focus was on me and my misgivings. There was never a discussion about him. Just me. I hated feeling like shit afterwards and he refused to go. The beginning of the end. Just took me a year to get up the guts to leave. Best decision ever.

I hated living a lie, looking like the perfect family but meanwhile being treated so so so badly. Literally my parents told me "This is going to kill you." Yep, probably would have. So I walked. He is still the same way but thankfully I don't have to live with him.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate your perspective. I was laid off and we relocated to a new city for my husband's job. I'm a SAHM now. I could find a job in the 60k range within 6 months and live (frugally) on my own with my daughter, but to access child care that my prospective salary would cover would require going to a different area. My parents are no longer living and I don't really have other relatives that are young enough to help, but I have many close friends that I think I could lean on who live on the opposite coast of where I am now. One reason I've been patient with therapy is because I don't know how to logistically survive the first year or so.

[Anonymous]

i'm so sorry, OP. I hear you. This is a tough situation.

Here's the thing: Therapy only works if you do the work. You can waste YEARS "going to therapy" and talking about whatever for an hour. If you don't really dig deep, and bring fearless honesty to each session, and fully commit to cleaning out your bags, therapy is just a bunch of talk. You've got to find a good therapist who pokes at you (if you like them, they're not doing their job), and be willing to show all your flaws.

In your husband's case, therapy (and his accompanying diagnosis) has become the latest excuse. It's not at all unique to him; people justify their actions all the time. But if he's willing to say "you can't be mad at me because my disorder is a get-out-of-jail-free card", then he's not really doing the work at all.

And you can't do it for him.

All you can do is decide if they way things are is okay with you, and then move accordingly. I stayed in a miserable marriage for far too long because the logistics of leaving were intimidating. I'm much happier now (if broke ). Happiness has value, too. There are ways to make things work, if you're committed to making things work. This applies to him, and to you, and to pretty much any decision.

Good luck, OP. I'm rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he isn't willing to put into the work. He's too focused on himself. If you're fighting every other night, what is the point? You are doing all the work and he isn't pulling his share. You want a partner, not another child to care for.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like my husband. The ADHD sounds like a bs excuse for bad behavior. If he's performing at work, it's because he prioritized work. If he prioritized you, he would make an effort at home, too.

[Anonymous]

How old is your daughter? You wait long enough to where you don't need daycare since you can't afford it.

Mental illness is only an excuse if he's committed to recovery and following his treatment plan. He's not, so it's not an excuse. I have MI and if I'm on meds and going to therapy but I have an episode, that's not me, it's MI. If I stop meds or stop therapy and freak out, that's on me.

[Anonymous]

ADHD does not make someone an asshole. You are married to an asshole.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's breaking my heart to read the kindness in your responses. I thought everyone would tell me I was being unfair to him, which is what he tells me when I express frustration or impatience. To answer the previous question, my daughter is only a year old.

Here's a vent: We had a horrible morning here when I found out he invited friends over for dinner. Our rule is that whoever initiates plans at the house follows through on prepping the house and planning the meal. it's only hours before the guests are set to arrive and the house is in Friday-after-a-long-work-week-with-a-toddler shambles and there's nothing to serve for dinner. I asked him what the plan was multiple times and he's instead spent the day napping and drifting around and is now startled that we only have 3 hours to do everything. He knows I'll run myself into the ground picking up his slack because I don't want to be embarrassed. I think you're right that the ADHD is an excuse for a level of basic unkindness that he's willing to sustain when faced with the alternative, which is hard work and effort and occasional discomfort.

I hate that I can't talk to anyone I know in real life about this and I'm embarassed that I put up with it. Thank you all for listening.

[Anonymous]

I think you should forget being embarrassed by the mess and see what happens today. Don't run yourself into the ground because you're enabling his behavior. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but this is the time to make some changes in the dynamic of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It's breaking my heart to read the kindness in your responses. I thought everyone would tell me I was being unfair to him, which is what he tells me when I express frustration or impatience. To answer the previous question, my daughter is only a year old.

Here's a vent: We had a horrible morning here when I found out he invited friends over for dinner. Our rule is that whoever initiates plans at the house follows through on prepping the house and planning the meal. it's only hours before the guests are set to arrive and the house is in Friday-after-a-long-work-week-with-a-toddler shambles and there's nothing to serve for dinner. I asked him what the plan was multiple times and he's instead spent the day napping and drifting around and is now startled that we only have 3 hours to do everything. He knows I'll run myself into the ground picking up his slack because I don't want to be embarrassed. I think you're right that the ADHD is an excuse for a level of basic unkindness that he's willing to sustain when faced with the alternative, which is hard work and effort and occasional discomfort.

I hate that I can't talk to anyone I know in real life about this and I'm embarassed that I put up with it. Thank you all for listening.

Maybe that's the key? Tell him you need more support, and that if he can't be the support you need because of his illness, you need to reach out to family/friends and explain what's going on.

If he had cancer, you'd tell your (trusted) friends/family, right? So why is this any different? If it's truly his disorder, then it is what it is.

If, as most of us on this thread suspect, it's NOT purely ADHD, and is instead doucheitis or some other decency deficiency, perhaps letting him know that you're no longer willing to take up the slack and cover for his jerkishness will shake some sense into the dude.

[Anonymous]

OP. You all have good realistic advice. I'm so embarassed to reach out to anyone but I am seeing a friend tomorrow and going from there. You're so right that covering for him only makes it easier for him to be a jerk to me in private.

He left his friends a voice mail to cancel. I hope when he tells them the reason for cancelling he tells the truth but that's wishful thinking. What a waste of a beautiful summer day/weekend/life...

[Anonymous]

OP with one more update. He says he is leaving tonight and is going away "for a while." In the past I probably would have compromised my position and eaten my words and told him he should stay, but tonight I just said fine. He went on and on about how this time would be different and he'll change and he feels worse than I could. I'm so mad- I feel like I'm left looking like the bad guy who won't compromise while also having to handle house/baby/dog while he gets out of it all and gets to go feel sorry for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with one more update. He says he is leaving tonight and is going away "for a while." In the past I probably would have compromised my position and eaten my words and told him he should stay, but tonight I just said fine. He went on and on about how this time would be different and he'll change and he feels worse than I could. I'm so mad- I feel like I'm left looking like the bad guy who won't compromise while also having to handle house/baby/dog while he gets out of it all and gets to go feel sorry for himself.

Stay strong and let him go. He invited the friends, he didn't prepare and he had to cancel. He should feel bad.