Am I teaching resilience or feeding anxiety?

[Anonymous]

My five year old tends toward anxious (like her dad). Overall I'd say she's well adjusted but with changes there are always a lot of questions and concern. So we just started camp - turns out she loves it but is not happy with the carpool situation we've put together. She wishes I could just do pick up and drop off every day. My instinct is that I should insist she get over it (will happen with time but this arrangement is only for 6 weeks). Am I doing the right thing or am I putting her through something unnecessary? Would appreciate other people's takes particularly if your kid is a bit nervous.

[Anonymous]

What exactly doesn't she like about the carpool?

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't she like the carpooling?

[Anonymous]

NP here. I have a 5 yo who doesn't like carpooling. She just likes me to do all drop offs and pickups. I just do it - it's NBD. I save the get over its for stuff that I truly can't help.

[Anonymous]

I suppose it depends what the carpool problem is.
If the people are nice, the driver is safe, the atmosphere in the car is not too loud and they arrive on time, I would encourage her to adapt to this new situation.

[Anonymous]

I think it's just that it's a new situation. We don't actually know the family that well. We are neighbors and the kids had a play date to get to know eachother. She says things like: I have that feeling again, I don't know why, I just want you to take me. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's just that it's a new situation. We don't actually know the family that well. We are neighbors and the kids had a play date to get to know eachother. She says things like: I have that feeling again, I don't know why, I just want you to take me. -OP

Ask her more pointed questions about the carpool, just to make sure there is nothing untoward.
And if it seems all fine, then continue with it. As someone with anxiety, I wish my parents had done more to talk me into new things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's just that it's a new situation. We don't actually know the family that well. We are neighbors and the kids had a play date to get to know eachother. She says things like: I have that feeling again, I don't know why, I just want you to take me. -OP

Ask her more pointed questions about the carpool, just to make sure there is nothing untoward.
And if it seems all fine, then continue with it. As someone with anxiety, I wish my parents had done more to talk me into new things.

This definitely. But I don't think you need to "insist" or talk her into anything. Just listen so she can express herself. Help her maintain perspective, e.g., she may feel anxious b/c she doesn't know the kids well or b/c it's a crowded space. You can remind her that it's only for a short time of the day and will end with camp. Ask her to brainstorm ways on how she can feel more calm or pass the time.

[Anonymous]

Explain that it is only six weeks and it is a big help to YOU and the FAMILY and is better for the environment.

[Anonymous]

She's going to have to learn to manage her anxiety as she grows up. This might be a good opportunity for her to work on it if nothing else is "off" about the carpool.

As an adult who struggles with anxiety at times, I can tell you there is no way around it. Sometimes you have to figure out the mental tricks you need to go directly through it and once you get through it, things get better. Avoiding it will just make it worse.

[Anonymous]

Given that everything is safe, I think you should give the carpool at least two weeks. It takes kids time to adjust.

I don't think you are feeding anxiety. Rather if you give in, I think you are supporting it.

[Anonymous]

She may not know how to "chat" - so help her think of things to talk about with the other kid/parent, especially in the morning to help her feel more comfortable.

I will never forget my shy dad explaining to my shy self that if you ask questions, people will love to talk about themselves and then you can have a conversation where you don't have to talk much. Brilliant, and I wish someone told me sooner!

[Anonymous]

How long is the drive? Buy her a cute little watch so she can monitor how soon she will see you. Appreciate her challenge and treat her to something every week she manages (an ice cream a sticker, whatever).

[Anonymous]

Well I am torn. My son is anxious and we have been told that it is good for him to face his fears. But car pool at age 5 for an anxious child going to a new place seems like a lot to put on the kid. My son really needs the car ride to prep and des tress.

[Anonymous]

As long as it is simply discomfort/anxiety and not a larger issue, I would ask that she at least give it a week or so to try the new arrangement before making any final decisions. She does need to learn that sometimes you have to do things for the good of the family, so while she might not love it, she has to accept that it is what is best for the family. That being said, it is ok to reevaluate situations, especially after we have given them a solid chance. Teach her that decisions based on first impressions aren't ok.. but that if she honestly tries something and is still very uncomfortable, then it is ok to change course.