Am I teaching resilience or feeding anxiety?

[Anonymous]

My children trust me. Like, a lot. I never lie to them, and I let them make most of their own decisions. Yup, it can be a pain. But, when I say, "This is how it's got to be right now" they deal.

Most nights, I ask what they want for dinner. Sometimes, I prepare what I know they need. They don't make a fuss when I give the reason (more protein, too much pasta this week). My parents were huge on "because I said so" so I bend (way too far) in the other direction.

If carpooling is the best decision for your family, then letting DD know she has to adapt is a strengthener. She's helping the family. It's very different from "your feelings don't matter."

Sometimes adding the "why" is all you need.

DS knows he can't go to camp if he doesn't take the bus. To help make it easier for him, I also pack a cool book as a surprise for the ride. I load up at the library over the weekend. So far, so good.

You don't want to make your child suffer, but you also don't want to rob her of an achievement. So, I get why you're asking the question. Only you know what's best for your little one. Think it through and trust your gut. You won't regret a mindful decision, whichever way you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's just that it's a new situation. We don't actually know the family that well. We are neighbors and the kids had a play date to get to know eachother. She says things like: I have that feeling again, I don't know why, I just want you to take me. -OP

Ask her more pointed questions about the carpool, just to make sure there is nothing untoward.
And if it seems all fine, then continue with it. As someone with anxiety, I wish my parents had done more to talk me into new things.

As an anxious parent of an anxious child, I would add: be very, very careful with this step.

[Anonymous]

If my five year old was anxious/worried about the carpool, and I could pick her up, then I would.

If it was my 8 year old, I wouldn't bc yes it's good for kids to be flexible and be in situations they aren't used to.

But five is still young and you don't need to resort to tough love. That said, if you are working and need the carpool then she will survive and be fine.

[Anonymous]

If you can do it, can you split the difference? Do drop offs but not pick ups or something?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried refocusing on strategies to deal with the feeling -- rather than taking away the trigger? If the child can say the words "I have that feeling again" she is identifying her anxiety as a response. I would try practicing biofeedback type exercises to reduce the feeling, rather than simply fixing the cause. or a combination -- "I'll take you tomorrow, and we'll practice breathing in the car. Then the next day I want you to try the carpool again and see how it goes."

[Anonymous]

I'm an anxious person and was an anxious child. Feeling like I was out of control is part of what made things hard. Is there a way you can give her control back? Maybe tell her you'd really like her to give it a try for a bit longer because often things get better, and then let her pick how long the trial period is. Something so that she knows there's relief if she needs it and also that she has some control. But also that you believe in her and think this will get more comfortable if she gives it a longer chance. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My children trust me. Like, a lot. I never lie to them, and I let them make most of their own decisions. Yup, it can be a pain. But, when I say, "This is how it's got to be right now" they deal.

Most nights, I ask what they want for dinner. Sometimes, I prepare what I know they need. They don't make a fuss when I give the reason (more protein, too much pasta this week). My parents were huge on "because I said so" so I bend (way too far) in the other direction.

If carpooling is the best decision for your family, then letting DD know she has to adapt is a strengthener. She's helping the family. It's very different from "your feelings don't matter."

Sometimes adding the "why" is all you need.

DS knows he can't go to camp if he doesn't take the bus. To help make it easier for him, I also pack a cool book as a surprise for the ride. I load up at the library over the weekend. So far, so good.

You don't want to make your child suffer, but you also don't want to rob her of an achievement. So, I get why you're asking the question. Only you know what's best for your little one. Think it through and trust your gut. You won't regret a mindful decision, whichever way you choose.

I think this is great. I would add that DDs anxiety over carpooling at that age stemmed from being car sick and not knowing how to communicate to the driver that the AC needed to be on high or window rolled down.

[Anonymous]

Can you split it up? They take her some days, you take her others? Maybe after a couple of weeks, she can better vocalize what she doesn't like or what's different about it and you have more information on how to help her work through it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My children trust me. Like, a lot. I never lie to them, and I let them make most of their own decisions. Yup, it can be a pain. But, when I say, "This is how it's got to be right now" they deal.

Most nights, I ask what they want for dinner. Sometimes, I prepare what I know they need. They don't make a fuss when I give the reason (more protein, too much pasta this week). My parents were huge on "because I said so" so I bend (way too far) in the other direction.

If carpooling is the best decision for your family, then letting DD know she has to adapt is a strengthener. She's helping the family. It's very different from "your feelings don't matter."

Sometimes adding the "why" is all you need.

DS knows he can't go to camp if he doesn't take the bus. To help make it easier for him, I also pack a cool book as a surprise for the ride. I load up at the library over the weekend. So far, so good.

You don't want to make your child suffer, but you also don't want to rob her of an achievement. So, I get why you're asking the question. Only you know what's best for your little one. Think it through and trust your gut. You won't regret a mindful decision, whichever way you choose.

I think this is great. I would add that DDs anxiety over carpooling at that age stemmed from being car sick and not knowing how to communicate to the driver that the AC needed to be on high or window rolled down

Oh, poor thing, I would have died 1,000 deaths if I had to ask my friend's Mom for this when I was in elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Op, if you need to carpool, truly need to, DD has to put up with it. However if there are other reasons you carpool - - like it just seems logical, or you want to socialize with these mothers, etc then, no, don't carpool. In that case honor you DD's request.

[Anonymous]

The camp drop off and pick up routines are horrible. You sit in a car line while the kids sit and wait for their number to be called. Then you have to snake around to exit the campus. Carpooling adds even more to the routine when you have more than one stop to make.

I assume this is a 9-3 camp? If so, she's leaving around 8:30 and returning around 3:30? These camps are jam packed and stimulating and hot and absolutely exhausting. 5 is on the young side. I think at the end of the camp day, your DD just wants to collapse in your car with just you and decompress. She probably wants to not have to worry if she dozes off, or doesn't want to talk or maybe just wants her mommy after an exhausting day. I'd it's not a bid deal for you, and you wouldn't be putting out the other carpool family, I'd drive her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given that everything is safe, I think you should give the carpool at least two weeks. It takes kids time to adjust.

I don't think you are feeding anxiety. Rather if you give in, I think you are supporting it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The camp drop off and pick up routines are horrible. You sit in a car line while the kids sit and wait for their number to be called. Then you have to snake around to exit the campus. Carpooling adds even more to the routine when you have more than one stop to make.

I assume this is a 9-3 camp? If so, she's leaving around 8:30 and returning around 3:30? These camps are jam packed and stimulating and hot and absolutely exhausting. 5 is on the young side. I think at the end of the camp day, your DD just wants to collapse in your car with just you and decompress. She probably wants to not have to worry if she dozes off, or doesn't want to talk or maybe just wants her mommy after an exhausting day. I'd it's not a bid deal for you, and you wouldn't be putting out the other carpool family, I'd drive her.

Oh lord. Stop the coddling!! Kids used to be out all day and night, non-stop playing. Paying for 5hrs of playing camp is not absolutely exhausting and kids don't need to decompress every single day. They are just a little tired sometimes because kids these days don't get hours of exercise and mommies coddle them like these delicate creatures that can break at any second. No wonder so many kids have anxiety.

[Anonymous]

DD's psychologist stressed to me not to let her out of things like carpooling just because of anxiety. By letting her quit because she was anxious, I was reaffirming that she has a reason to be anxious. I learned to help her deal with the anxiety and make the event more pleasant. If the reason she wanted to stop doing something was different from anxiety, we'd discuss and evaluate our options. So the carpool would continue in our house, especially because of the commitment to the other family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD's psychologist stressed to me not to let her out of things like carpooling just because of anxiety. By letting her quit because she was anxious, I was reaffirming that she has a reason to be anxious. I learned to help her deal with the anxiety and make the event more pleasant. If the reason she wanted to stop doing something was different from anxiety, we'd discuss and evaluate our options. So the carpool would continue in our house, especially because of the commitment to the other family.

Thank you for bringing this point up. You have my sympathy, OP, but as a long-time car-pooler, I hope you have considered the impact on the other family. I'm sure the parents would be very willing to work with you to figure out how to make the ride easier -- music (or no music), an audio book, windows open, a snack, playing I Spy or whatever might help -- but in some circumstances it would be a major logistical challenge to have somebody just back out of the carpool.