Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married for 9 years. We just got our marriage on track after a rough patch.
Our sex life is phenomenal and we are intimate 3-4 times per week. He has always been extremely attracted to me (and other women). Let's just say that he "responds" very favorably when we are together intimately. As we've grown closer, DH confided 2 things to me that I didn't know about him.
He was raped as a child and was involved in a sexual relationship with an older man when he was 20 (almost 25 years ago).
My DH has always been an Alpha and I am submissive. That is our dynamic and it works for us. He said that when it happened, it was really confusing to him and that he let it continue for a few months because the man took control. He said that it was just something different, mentally and physically.
Eventually, DH ended it. He wasn't comfortable with it any longer. He says that he isn't attracted to men at all and hasn't had any experiences since that one. Honestly, I'm not that upset about it. Sexuality, to me, isn't black or white. It's a very fluid thing.
I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.
I guess I'm more looking for advice or BTDT experiences from others.
Please don't be mean or judgemental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.

Believe it or not, it is possible for someone to get over something and move on. What exactly would he be "dealing with" all these years later?

[Anonymous]

How did this come up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 9 years. We just got our marriage on track after a rough patch.
Our sex life is phenomenal and we are intimate 3-4 times per week. He has always been extremely attracted to me (and other women). Let's just say that he "responds" very favorably when we are together intimately. As we've grown closer, DH confided 2 things to me that I didn't know about him.
He was raped as a child and was involved in a sexual relationship with an older man when he was 20 (almost 25 years ago).
My DH has always been an Alpha and I am submissive. That is our dynamic and it works for us. He said that when it happened, it was really confusing to him and that he let it continue for a few months because the man took control. He said that it was just something different, mentally and physically.
Eventually, DH ended it. He wasn't comfortable with it any longer. He says that he isn't attracted to men at all and hasn't had any experiences since that one. Honestly, I'm not that upset about it. Sexuality, to me, isn't black or white. It's a very fluid thing.
I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.
I guess I'm more looking for advice or BTDT experiences from others.
Please don't be mean or judgemental.

I think that you ARE upset about it, given the title of your thread is "DH had gay sex." If you were concerned that he was sexually abused, the title would've been "DH was sexually abused."

Please ask your husband how you can support him, and then do what he asks. If you're not able to make peace with it, seek counseling on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.

Believe it or not, it is possible for someone to get over something and move on. What exactly would he be "dealing with" all these years later?

If he has not gone to therapy for the abuse... He had not "gotten over" the abuse.

He should deal with the feelings he has about being abused, how it negatively affects him now and how he can change those behaviors.

OP has not described "issues" there may be none right now. Often having kids triggers the PTSD of CSA.

Men generally think they can "handle it" and eventually self destruct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please ask your husband how you can support him, and then do what he asks. If you're not able to make peace with it, seek counseling on your own.

+1. You just learned that your DH was raped and instead chose to lead with the fact that he had gay sex 25 years ago. I applaud you trying to intellectualize the fact that you're open-minded about it, but you clearly aren't there yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 9 years. We just got our marriage on track after a rough patch.
Our sex life is phenomenal and we are intimate 3-4 times per week. He has always been extremely attracted to me (and other women). Let's just say that he "responds" very favorably when we are together intimately. As we've grown closer, DH confided 2 things to me that I didn't know about him.
He was raped as a child and was involved in a sexual relationship with an older man when he was 20 (almost 25 years ago).
My DH has always been an Alpha and I am submissive. That is our dynamic and it works for us. He said that when it happened, it was really confusing to him and that he let it continue for a few months because the man took control. He said that it was just something different, mentally and physically.
Eventually, DH ended it. He wasn't comfortable with it any longer. He says that he isn't attracted to men at all and hasn't had any experiences since that one. Honestly, I'm not that upset about it. Sexuality, to me, isn't black or white. It's a very fluid thing.
I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.
I guess I'm more looking for advice or BTDT experiences from others.
Please don't be mean or judgemental.

I think that you ARE upset about it, given the title of your thread is "DH had gay sex." If you were concerned that he was sexually abused, the title would've been "DH was sexually abused."

Please ask your husband how you can support him, and then do what he asks. If you're not able to make peace with it, seek counseling on your own.

+1!!!

Also, it seems an invasion of his privacy to post on this board?!! I know it's anonymous but still! if he's fine and you're apparently fine then...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 9 years. We just got our marriage on track after a rough patch.
Our sex life is phenomenal and we are intimate 3-4 times per week. He has always been extremely attracted to me (and other women). Let's just say that he "responds" very favorably when we are together intimately. As we've grown closer, DH confided 2 things to me that I didn't know about him.
He was raped as a child and was involved in a sexual relationship with an older man when he was 20 (almost 25 years ago).
My DH has always been an Alpha and I am submissive. That is our dynamic and it works for us. He said that when it happened, it was really confusing to him and that he let it continue for a few months because the man took control. He said that it was just something different, mentally and physically.
Eventually, DH ended it. He wasn't comfortable with it any longer. He says that he isn't attracted to men at all and hasn't had any experiences since that one. Honestly, I'm not that upset about it. Sexuality, to me, isn't black or white. It's a very fluid thing.
I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.
I guess I'm more looking for advice or BTDT experiences from others.
Please don't be mean or judgemental.

I think that you ARE upset about it, given the title of your thread is "DH had gay sex." If you were concerned that he was sexually abused, the title would've been "DH was sexually abused."

Please ask your husband how you can support him, and then do what he asks. If you're not able to make peace with it, seek counseling on your own.

I think this PP got it 100%. You do care. So, what do you want to know to "deal with it?" Do you think it makes him less attracted to you?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't have any hang ups about it. It doesn't change how I feel about or view my husband. We were just hanging out on the couch talking and he said "There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time," and he told me. He says that he doesn't really think much about the abuse anymore. Being his wife, I can see some ways that it may still be affecting him. As far as the "relationship," is it pretty normal for men to experiment but still be heterosexual? I'm accepting, but a bit confused.

[Anonymous]

The only reason I led with the gay sex thing is because I thought more people would read it. I wanted to get a wide range of responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't have any hang ups about it. It doesn't change how I feel about or view my husband. We were just hanging out on the couch talking and he said "There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time," and he told me. He says that he doesn't really think much about the abuse anymore. Being his wife, I can see some ways that it may still be affecting him. As far as the "relationship," is it pretty normal for men to experiment but still be heterosexual? I'm accepting, but a bit confused.

How do you think it affects him?

Can he describe the abuse or is it too hard to talk about?

[Anonymous]

Did any lightbulbs go off when he told you?

"Ohhhhh, so that explains why..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't have any hang ups about it. It doesn't change how I feel about or view my husband. We were just hanging out on the couch talking and he said "There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time," and he told me. He says that he doesn't really think much about the abuse anymore. Being his wife, I can see some ways that it may still be affecting him. As far as the "relationship," is it pretty normal for men to experiment but still be heterosexual? I'm accepting, but a bit confused.

I guess that depends on what you mean by "normal." Is it common? Maybe, maybe not. I know men who have had very strong emotionally charged relationships with other men that were definitely ROMANTIC but weren't sexual. I think it's more socially acceptable for women to experiment like that, because we are a patriarchal society who thinks that's "hot" and not deviant. If by "normal" you actually mean "healthy" then I would say yes, it is perfectly healthy to experiment sexually, provided that the experimentation happens healthily (use protection, get consent, etc.).

What are the ways that you believe it's affecting him? More importantly, what does he want you to do with this information?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did any lightbulbs go off when he told you?

"Ohhhhh, so that explains why..."

None. Total surprise.

[Anonymous]

Have you been tested for Aspergers?