Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
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Anonymous
That was actually my first post on this thread. So I don't think you know very much about my needs, be they constant or fleeting. |
Anonymous
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Op, does this sound familiar.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200806/sadomasochism-in-everyday-relationships |
Anonymous
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I think it's really cool that he shared that with you. It shows that he's a very emotionally healthy man.
Enjoy your lives together. DW |
Anonymous
Yes and the people who were abused should be able to tell their SO's these things without being raked over the coals, having people be suspicious of them and directing them to therapy like they are broken. Fewer of them would be broken if people weren't horrified when the person talks about it. Have a good life, PP, okay? |
Anonymous
Omg go take your anti anxiety meds (preferably mix them with wine, honey) get some actual gay friends and chill. |
Anonymous
+1 I'm not saying its impossible that he needs therapy. Or that he might have more confessions later. But its also entirely plausible and possible that this is just something he wanted to get off his chest and now its over. All of this rank speculation about how this is a BIG DEAL that needs to be dealt with is probably the reason he was afraid to open his mouth sooner. |
Anonymous
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It's not rank speculation. Anyone who has researched or knows anything about childhood sexual abuse knows that it very often can have profound effects on people's future relationships--on feelings of trust, on feelings of abandonment, all kinds of things.
No one is saying he is "broken." But someone revealing that they were raped as a child is a huge deal. When I finally told my DH about the sexual abuse in my past that he did not know about, he did not say much. He just kind of left it there. He did not know how to respond. It wasn't until years later, when I finally sought help for all kinds of relationship problems we were having, that I realized how totally inadequate his response had been and how it left me feeling further neglected and abandoned by the people who should have cared for me. No one is saying you should be "suspicious" of your DH. But for the love of God, in your original post you just sort of glossed over that he'd been raped a child and talked about gay sex in his 20s. All the people here are saying is that childhood sexual abuse can be, and often is (again, depending on many, many features such as who did it, what happened, whether the person told and was believed or not, etc.) something that has profound effects throughout adulthood. OP, you need to educate yourself. Read some books so you can become more sensitive and empathetic. I wish my spouse had. Because some of the things he did and said after I told him about my past were totally unacceptable and really hurtful to me. I only realized that later when I went to a therapist, told him, and my therapist reacted in a completely different way that did not minimize what had happened. I had "normalized" what had happened when it was actually really disturbing. I acted like it wasn't such a big deal, because that's how I got along for so many years. But it catches up to you. As a PP noted, for me it was having my own kids that really triggered a lot of the emotional effects. |
Anonymous
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PP here I see now that you said you were more upset about the sexual abuse in your original post.
You should be. You should encourage him to seek therapy. Not because he is "broken". But to support him. Read some books, OP. This can be really heavy stuff and my own spouse remained clueless for far too long. |