How to help DD to be more assertive and have a social life

[Anonymous]

DD is 14. she has friends but never invites anyone over.

Whenever we tell her that she can have friends over, she will reply that no one will come if she invites..
she gives any one of the reasons:
she is not cool enough,
there is some exam going on and they are studying,
busy with some competition,
she has to study..

Once she tried to invite, then another friend in the group took over and changed the meeting location to their home.
Now she does not even try to invite anyone..

How can I help DD have a social life?

[Anonymous]

I probably has a root in social anxiety. It can be difficult to host and arrange social events and friends for some kids. What if it's lame? What if no one has a good time? What if I invite the wrong person? What if I say something silly? The problem is if they never do it, they never get experience and the fear just keeps getting bigger.

You could try just having her invite one friend to do something. then work up to two friends. and then maybe a group or party.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say-- my 15 year old kid is the same. We encourage DC to do activities which build confidence (sports they're not already good at, volunteering, etc.)

And we basically don't react much if they invite someone over and it falls apart before it happens. No big deal.


Just wanted to empathize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 14. she has friends but never invites anyone over.

Whenever we tell her that she can have friends over, she will reply that no one will come if she invites..
she gives any one of the reasons:
she is not cool enough,
there is some exam going on and they are studying,
busy with some competition,
she has to study..

Once she tried to invite, then another friend in the group took over and changed the meeting location to their home.
Now she does not even try to invite anyone..

How can I help DD have a social life?

It doesn't sound like she's not trying to invite people over. I would encourage her to make plans with one other friend preferably face to face or emailing/texting them directly. A problem with social media is that it can actually make social interaction harder.

The other aspect to building friendships is being specific. "Let's get together" or "Let's hang out" is vague. If there's something specific that she likes to do, e.g., see a movie, ice skating, rock climbing, paint-your-own pottery, etc. it might be easier to pin a friend down.

Do you know the parents of the kids in her social circle? You could initiate an invitation for a family get together, e.g., brunch or pizza night at your house or at a restaurant. She's at the age where as a parent you can longer "arrange playdates," but there's nothing wrong in trying to foster social opportunities.

She also sounds like she lacks confidence. I would make sure that she has something to do this summer that feeds/builds her interests whether it's sports, art, whatever. Also, volunteering is a way for kids to feel like they've accomplished something. GL.

[Anonymous]

My middle schooler is like that and gives similar reasons.

When my kid gives the "not popular enough so no one wants to come" I counter with:

Are the kids in your firend group the "popular" kids
-- "No."

You are not a popular kid, and if one of your equally non popular friends were to suggest getting together, going to a movie, etc would your turn up your nose, refuse the invite or make fun of them for suggesting it?

-- "No. I would be excited to be asked to do something."

Don't you thing all of the somewhat of the unpopular kids (most of the school) would feel the same way as you if they are invited to do something fun so they don't have to spend Friday and Saturday nights with mom, dad and their little siblings?

-- "Uhhh..."

Don't you and your friends enjoy each other's company and have fun when you are together and isn't that more fun than staring at a screen alone?

-- "Yes, but"

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

FINALLY, it clicked and my kid decided to initiate a group outing to see a new release movie this past weekend with the "unpopular" group of kids he hangs out with at lunch.

Surprise! (Not to me) All the kids, including two additional kids who are not in their lunch group came and they had a great time. The next night, another kid organized a social event from an overlapping group. There is talk of another event next weekend, and a possible end of the year party.

All from some really nice kids in the lower social brackets who probably all felt too "unpopular" throughout middle school to organize any social gathering that anyone would want to attend.

It is hard, but try to convince your daughter that if she feels this way likely other girls she is friendly with feel the exact same way and would love for something to do on the weekends.

I think social media makes it so much harder to convince them of this since the "popular" kids are constantoy chronicalling online how fun and wonderful they are compared to the minnions.

You just need to convince your daughter there are more minnions than popular kids and that the minnions, just like your daughter, would love something to do on tye weekends besides hanging out alone at home.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the poor spelling, but you should get my drift

[Anonymous]

17:08 here again.

OP, if she organizes some kind of outing like movies with a couple of friends, you can offer to drive everyone. Have the parents drop of at your house an hour before for pizza and hanging out, then you take over a carload of kids. That will establish your daughter as the hostess,and might build her confidence to initiate more events and get togethers.

[Anonymous]

She needs to ask one friend to do something easy, like watch a movie and walk around the mall.

[Anonymous]

Mine is 13 going on 14 and I have been encouraging her to make her own social plans this school year. Two of her very good friends don't have cell phones so it is hard for her to make plans with them. Lucky for me, their moms are super nice and very easy to plan stuff with when she wants to get together with them. She still keeps in touch with some very good friends from elementary school and they all make their own plans. Her social life is *far* more active than mine and has been for a while.

[Anonymous]

This was me as a younger teen. Having a set activity really helped, like going to the movies, going out for lunch, going to the mall, etc. I naturally came out of my shell in high school and have been pretty social ever since.

When I was that age I also noticed that I really never had my own opinions on anything. While it's probably normal developmentally at that age, it kind of bothered me. So I started reading random articles in the newspaper, online and would just form my own personal opinion about whatever it was. This really helped me be more confident and assertive in social situations once I knew *how* to form my own opinion.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone for your responses.
I appreciate all your advice.

[Anonymous]

I mean this in all sincerity, OP. My 14 year-old DD is social butterfly. Has something every night (or could if we let her) there is always drama over someone being left out and the girls do not always have each other's back. Anyway, I wish DD wanted more alone, family, studying or one on one friend time. Your DD might be doing it right and peak at the perfect time in confidence and social and strong sustainable friendships when she finds one. It is tough to parent my DD setting limits and steering values. We have to force family time and the running around is exhausting. I was not like this as a teen. Anyway, just letting you know the social, maybe perceived by others as "popular kids" life has its problems too.

[Anonymous]

OP here:
just wanted to update and take feedback from you all.

My daughter invited 2 friends over --both her friends agreed initially and later one of them dropped out.
Then she tried to invite another girl ----she is busy.
Then she asked 4 other friends if they can get together. --- two replied that they can't as they have some other plans already. one said she needs more advanced notice. 4th one didn't reply yet.

DD has one friend who agreed to visit her.
DD is very disappointed as she faced a lot of refusals in one day.
DD says she will cancel the get together as only one person agreed.

as a parent, it is very hard for me to watch her struggle this hard to invite friends for a simple get together.

I have made some comments (which I regret) as to why she is finding it so hard for friends to spend time with her.
she is really upset.

Any advice is welcome.

[Anonymous]

Don't cancel on the one girl.

Go do something fun like a movie or just hanging out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't cancel on the one girl.

Go do something fun like a movie or just hanging out.

+1 Better to take this small positive step than to give up just because some girls declined. Celebrate that one girl is interested and build from there.