Did you learn how to ask for what you want in a relationship in an effective way?

[Anonymous]

I'm 40, divorced, in a serious relationship. I was in a long marriage where I exited full of resentment for having swallowed down my own needs, waiting for him to be a partner, and finally realizing it was never going to happen. No regrets about ending the marriage, but I do realize that I was not good at asking for what I needed in that relationship and I need to learn.

I dated for a bit and had good experiences, now with this boyfriend for over a year. Mostly it's an "easy" relationship in a good way--he delivers mostly everything I need without having to specify it, and vice versa. Generally we communicate well and are in a good flow.

He just really disappointed me and I'm struggling to raise it in a productive way. Basically, I needed some TLC and support during a tough time. It's probably a misunderstanding overall (he was on a long work trip but knew I was in need, even a few texts to check in would have been appreciated but he was mostly silent). He's back and cheerful and attentive. I don't want to be Debbie Downer and go all "I'm disappointed in you", but I also don't want to swallow my disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Tell him exactly what you wrote in your last paragraph.

[Anonymous]

I am a person of few words and have always held my emotions tightly. But my man has encouraged me to say, simply, "I want...".

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you call him? Why didn't you text, email him: "Hey, I need some TLC, I'm going through a tough time." Why do you expect him to read your mind? That's a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you call him? Why didn't you text, email him: "Hey, I need some TLC, I'm going through a tough time." Why do you expect him to read your mind? That's a recipe for disaster.

Immaturity.

[Anonymous]

Key to longterm healthy relationships is truly understanding the other person is not you. This means they may not think like you or handle situation the way you would.
Something that is obvious to you may not be obvious to someone else.
Instead of pouting and demanding apologies for being different, vocalize what you need. In a calm manner.

Realize this works both ways.

[Anonymous]

You have to be direct. Also you shouldn't b relying entirely on him to make things better.'that's your responsibility. He is not your parent and you are not 3.

[Anonymous]

Like the pp said you have to be direct. I just broke up with a guy who thought I could read his mind. Granted he did say he had communication problems and my response was, are you just going to keep saying that or improve on it. If you can't communicate then your relationships will never last. No one can read your mind and all your concerns. I had to learn to be direct and share my concerns and expectations early on in any relationship.

[Anonymous]

The other poster in another thread (at home with 2 kids, pregnant with a 3rd), who called and texted DH about feeling overwhelmed and needing to hear from him, should have been pissed and disappointed not to get what she requested of her partner. Your situation is different.

For you, this recent experience can be the eye-opener or reminder you need to communicate with your partner so you never have to swallow down your own needs. He's cheerful and attentive now, and might well could have been had you shared with him these feelings when he was away.

Good on you for seeing this, and for NOT immediately raining disappointment down on DBF for not being a mindreader. Moving forward, have the courage to say what you need. After what you've been through in your marriage, I really hope you get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Key to longterm healthy relationships is truly understanding the other person is not you. This means they may not think like you or handle situation the way you would.
Something that is obvious to you may not be obvious to someone else.
Instead of pouting and demanding apologies for being different, vocalize what you need. In a calm manner.

Realize this works both ways.

Good advice. I'll add that it can take time for a partner to be mindful of your preferences....in my DH's case, it was years. But, because our communication was good (even though my feelings were hurt), we were able to work through it and reach a state where we were both comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

"I need X, Y, Z."

That's all it takes.

[Anonymous]

I tend to not call or text much when I am away for work, and my BF doesn't mind much, but I can understand that this is important to many people.

We communicate well because we are both very direct. Luckily BF is good at retaining information and usually corrects whatever has upset me in the future. But I don't play games or expect him to read my mind as to why I'm upset. It's simply "this is why I'm mad and this is what I would have liked to happen." I also don't STAY mad. Once I air my grievances I move on and everything is cool--belaboring the point never helps. I don't bring it up 16 times in the future. I don't talk to him like a child. Just a direct, grown up discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

"I need X, Y, Z."

That's all it takes.

Well, that's all it takes for a good ask, sure. But in order for that to be effective, the person you're asking has to A) listen, B) understand, and C) give enough of a damn to at least try.

If you're with someone who plays headgames, or freaks out and reacts instead of listening, or doesn't give a damn, what constitutes "effective communication" in a normal setting won't work.

[Anonymous]

OP here. For brevity I left out some details, but here goes. A few days into BF's trip, I realized I was upset he hadn't gotten in touch during what we both knew was a tough time for me (not relating to him). So I texted him one evening and let him know I was struggling and in need of encouragement. I have never done this with anyone, so it was putting myself out there. I'm very independent, get things done. The next day at lunch he called and we had a great call.

Then nothing for days. He knew I'd been in distress and had x, y, and z coming up in those days. Yesterday he called and it was brief. He told me about the night before being his personal beer consumption best. We chatted about his trip, and just as I was opening my mouth to offer what had happened on my end, he asked to end the call. Never asked anything about me or how I was doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For brevity I left out some details, but here goes. A few days into BF's trip, I realized I was upset he hadn't gotten in touch during what we both knew was a tough time for me (not relating to him). So I texted him one evening and let him know I was struggling and in need of encouragement. I have never done this with anyone, so it was putting myself out there. I'm very independent, get things done. The next day at lunch he called and we had a great call.

Then nothing for days. He knew I'd been in distress and had x, y, and z coming up in those days. Yesterday he called and it was brief. He told me about the night before being his personal beer consumption best. We chatted about his trip, and just as I was opening my mouth to offer what had happened on my end, he asked to end the call. Never asked anything about me or how I was doing.

Good for you for putting yourself out there!

He may have thought the call resolved things, or was so wrapped up in his trip that he was less considerate than usual. I would bring it up at a calm time, like having a snuggle on the couch. I would say "Hey, can I ask you about something that bothered me on your trip? I noticed a communication breakdown and I would like to figure out how I can better communicate my needs to you. I really appreciated the great phone call when I told you I was having a rough time, but was confused that you didn't bring it up after that. I would have liked to hear from you in the following days, how could I have communicated that clearer?"

By asking what you could have done differently you're not putting him on the defensive right away. You're genuinely asking how to fix a problem you guys had, and making him aware of it at the same time.