Did you learn how to ask for what you want in a relationship in an effective way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For brevity I left out some details, but here goes. A few days into BF's trip, I realized I was upset he hadn't gotten in touch during what we both knew was a tough time for me (not relating to him). So I texted him one evening and let him know I was struggling and in need of encouragement. I have never done this with anyone, so it was putting myself out there. I'm very independent, get things done. The next day at lunch he called and we had a great call.

Then nothing for days. He knew I'd been in distress and had x, y, and z coming up in those days. Yesterday he called and it was brief. He told me about the night before being his personal beer consumption best. We chatted about his trip, and just as I was opening my mouth to offer what had happened on my end, he asked to end the call. Never asked anything about me or how I was doing.

Good for you for putting yourself out there!

He may have thought the call resolved things, or was so wrapped up in his trip that he was less considerate than usual. I would bring it up at a calm time, like having a snuggle on the couch. I would say "Hey, can I ask you about something that bothered me on your trip? I noticed a communication breakdown and I would like to figure out how I can better communicate my needs to you. I really appreciated the great phone call when I told you I was having a rough time, but was confused that you didn't bring it up after that. I would have liked to hear from you in the following days, how could I have communicated that clearer?"

By asking what you could have done differently you're not putting him on the defensive right away. You're genuinely asking how to fix a problem you guys had, and making him aware of it at the same time.

Sure, but watch his reaction. There is a chance he'll be positive, not realize that what he felt was enough support wasn't what you considered enough support, and will work toward greater understanding so this doesn't happen again.

But there's an equal chance that he's giving you all the support he will. He may not come out and say that directly. Watch what he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 40, divorced, in a serious relationship. I was in a long marriage where I exited full of resentment for having swallowed down my own needs, waiting for him to be a partner, and finally realizing it was never going to happen. No regrets about ending the marriage, but I do realize that I was not good at asking for what I needed in that relationship and I need to learn.

I dated for a bit and had good experiences, now with this boyfriend for over a year. Mostly it's an "easy" relationship in a good way--he delivers mostly everything I need without having to specify it, and vice versa. Generally we communicate well and are in a good flow.

He just really disappointed me and I'm struggling to raise it in a productive way. Basically, I needed some TLC and support during a tough time. It's probably a misunderstanding overall (he was on a long work trip but knew I was in need, even a few texts to check in would have been appreciated but he was mostly silent). He's back and cheerful and attentive. I don't want to be Debbie Downer and go all "I'm disappointed in you", but I also don't want to swallow my disappointment.

So, your first marriage failed due to your inadequate communication skills, and now you want to destroy your new relationship over the same thing, seeing no deficiency in your attitude or skills. That's interesting. Do you see your expectation that in a relationship, you have no obligation to communicate your needs--i.e. the man must be a mind reader--"he delivers mostly everything I need without having to specify it"--is a recipe for failure? If you needed TLC did you ever ask for it? If not, it's not your boyfriend's fault. It's your fault, just like it was your fault in your marriage that you were unable to express your needs.

Baby, you need to grow up. You're already in your 40's. Stop acting like a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tend to not call or text much when I am away for work, and my BF doesn't mind much, but I can understand that this is important to many people.

We communicate well because we are both very direct. Luckily BF is good at retaining information and usually corrects whatever has upset me in the future. But I don't play games or expect him to read my mind as to why I'm upset. It's simply "this is why I'm mad and this is what I would have liked to happen." I also don't STAY mad. Once I air my grievances I move on and everything is cool--belaboring the point never helps. I don't bring it up 16 times in the future. I don't talk to him like a child. Just a direct, grown up discussion.

If getting mad and upset is your typical response to relationship issues, PP, you have some growing up to do, too. The last thing in the world your partner should do is change his behavior just because you decide you're upset or mad. That's called "enabling" and suggests he's a total doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you call him? Why didn't you text, email him: "Hey, I need some TLC, I'm going through a tough time." Why do you expect him to read your mind? That's a recipe for disaster.

X1000.

Clearly not done homework from previous marriage